05/26/27

Today started out rough. I’ve been staying up pretty late writing and reflecting. I’m going through a period of growth. To do that I have to also face my faults and it’s been upsetting. I haven’t wanted to face a lot of the mistakes I’ve made along the way. Livy says acknowledgement is the first step to change. After talking to Amelia last night, I feel like I gave up hope about any type of reconciliation. I had been clinging on and making excuses for what I think he might be feeling or fears he may have about approaching me. I allowed myself to cry about it for the first time this morning. I was wallowing and letting my heart out to Livy and Kacey when Jon V asked me if I wanted to meet up at Lake Kaweah. I was going to spend the day working on my house, website, my job search, and my research methods of personal growth. I didn’t want to be at home all sad girl. I hit up Robert and Izzy to stop by and visit them on the way up to Three Rivers. I was nervous because I knew I’d see my Tio Pepe and Tia Alma. I didn’t know how my visit would be received. It was great catching up with the boys and my Tio and Tia were happy to see me. They told me to not be a stranger. Confirmation that my fear of rejection was invalid. My relationship with the Corvera’s has weighed heavy on my heart for many years. I felt a lot of anger and resentment, followed by guilt for being so quick to throw away lifelong loving relationships over things that were out of my control. Everyone’s had moments of being greedy. I’m not always right, and people aren’t always wrong. In the end, my solitude there wasn’t productive to my well being. It was hard living there without my Grandpa. The events that followed my move have shaped me into the person I am today, and who I want to be. I don’t want to carry hate in my heart for people I love so dearly. My Grandpa wouldn’t want me to be so distant from everyone. I’m nervous to talk to my Dad again. When we last spoke he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said I was. He asked me, “What’s he like?” I said, “He’s sweet, kind, and has a good heart.” My Dad said, “That’s good, that’s important.” It’s the first time I’ve ever shared anything about my romantic life with him. I hope he doesn’t bring it up the next time we talk, but I know he will. I’ll just have to be honest and let him know that it didn’t work out. I’ve been going on this way for so long; the ghosting I mean. Separating myself from people to not have to deal with the difficult conversations. I’ve just been lucky my Dad has always been forgiving and demonstrated patience with my immaturity and lack of communication skills. I’m lucky to have Robert and Izzy in my life who commended my growth and also forgave me for my absence. If they wanted me to change it wasn’t because they were being bossy it’s because they wanted to help me be a better version of myself. I couldn’t see it at the time. I’m blessed they’ve held space for me. I love them so much. I’m excited to continue to build our friendship again to where it once was and then some.

I ended up taking too long with Robert and Izzy. As I was turning onto the 198, Jon V told me he was already heading home. I told him I was sorry for running so late (2HRS lol) but I thought they’d be out there all day and that I was going to turn around. I started doing that but I was like fuck it I’m already in my bikini I’ll just go up there by myself. Livy says I have to do things I’m scared of if I want to grow and build my self-esteem. The river was so high my favorite spot (Slick Rock) was almost completely submerged. I decided to go to Skyline by myself. I spent the day in the river soaking up the sun. I was scared to be there by myself, but I trusted the Universe to keep me safe.

I let the earth dust my body. The river ran through my hair. The Sun’s glow lit my heart. Butterflies and bees danced around me. Birds of red and yellow came to visit. Nature talked, and I listened.

I talked to my friend as I came down the mountain. She’s also anxious-attatchment. I advised her to not let her period get the best of her like I did. I didn’t want her story to be mine. I told her to stay busy, go get her nails done. Do things that make her happy. Some things can’t be undone. In a period brain rage I ended something that could’ve been so good for me. Thinking it was what was best for me, or that if he really cared about me we’d be able to make it work still. I broke trust and ran away from potential rejection. I broke my own heart before I let him break it again. If it’s meant to be it will be. I’m trusting in the Universe to give me what I need not what I want.

I’ll be forever grateful to him regardless of what happens. He and Mikayla influenced my sobriety. He taught me I need to communicate boundaries, expectations, and intentions early on before becoming intimate. The anxiety I experienced through my fear of communicating with him, and also seeing his relationship with his parents drove me to mend the relationship with my Dad. Through losing him I’ve seen the ways I need to grow to be the best version of myself. He showed me I’m capable of vulnerability and giving my heart over to someone without any expectations or personal gain. I wish nothing but the best for him in life. He deserves love, peace, and happiness. I have the utmost respect and love for him.

05/25/27

Wow I’m disappointed I typed up this whole shit about how I’ve been a piece of shit friend to my cousin Chris and my laptop got all stupid and none of it saved but basically: I need to listen to him more and ask him about what’s going on in his personal life but also, take advice that he gives me. He’s telling me because he cares and doesn’t want me to end up like my mom 50+ struggling financially and alone. The inner work and healing I’ve been doing is great and necessary too but I need to get a higher paying job even if it’s doing something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something that doesn’t make me happy. I’ve been worried for too long about having a good time or hanging out with people and neither one of those things help me in the long run. It’s good that I’ve been making positive changes recently but I said I needed to be patient with myself because I’m sad and need to just be proud of the things I have been able to do for myself in the last couple months. He said that I can’t bitch out and use being sad as an excuse because everyone’s sad to an extent but you still need to make good money, get a house, have a retirement plan, or just have a plan in general. Which I don’t have. I have so much love and respect for Chris even if I don’t always show it cause I don’t want to be all corny. He just wants what’s best for me. I know everything he said I needed to hear. I feel like a piece of shit for not asking him more about what’s going on in his life. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit and pity party that I haven’t seen past myself to ask him about what’s on his mind. I’m looking for another job and making a list of all the things I want to get better at. Being a better friend and listener will be there. I just want to continue on the path to being the best version of myself that I can be. For years I’ve been a narcissist thinking I’m this great person or friend when I know I’m capable of more. It starts with being a better friend to myself above all. I was really missing him today. I wish I wouldn’t have told him to leave me alone. I want him in my life. I can’t change anything that I did. I can only change myself and the way I carry myself. I’m a work in progress.

05/24/25

It’s' technically past midnight, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count lol. Today’s been the best day for me so far. I will admit it was still the first thing I thought of when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. It was 9AM and I didn’t go to sleep until 4. I’m definitely in better spirits. I think that book helped a lot. Also, just trying to refocus my train of thought to things that are actually progressive towards my mental health and growth. I finished the book so I could give it to Mikayla today. The last chapter was about death. I’ve had a few near death experiences and it just makes me feel that there has to be some reason why I’m here. I have a purpose to be fulfilled. I got a lot done around the house today. Cleaned most of my house. Made myself a bomb little lunch while I baked a cake for Des’ last day at Olive Garden. I’m proud of myself for going out with the girls and keeping my word about not saying anything to any of them. I’m trying to be better about keeping to myself. As Kacey said there’s beauty in the mystery. I pride myself on honesty and being an open book so it’s hard to find balance. Though, the daily writing has been helping me greatly because it’s like I’m talking to myself. Looking inward for the answers rather than running my mouth to hear what I more than likely already know to be true. My own validation and intuition should be the loudest in my mind. I’m also working on being a better listener. I realize that often I wait to talk, or find a moment to cut in about how I’ve experienced something similar. I want to say that I do it not out of selfishness, but trying to let them know that I can relate to what they’re saying because I’ve experienced XYZ. I stopped myself though and I’m proud of that. I was about to say, “…that happened to me once…”, but I stopped myself and instead let them know I understood what they meant with a follow up as to why based on the information given; but not in relation to myself, or my experiences. The last two days I started listening to music again too. I don’t know why it was hard everything kept reminding me of him. So I started with trap shit to just get me hype af. Flockaveli goes hard as fuck. Today I just found a playlist on Spotify that was a Mexican party playlist it was pretty fire it had me thinking about how I’d like to date someone who speaks spanish and loves to dance. Dancing at The Abbey and at goth prom had me forgetting that my heart was broken. I was going to do yard work but I’ve been trying to strike while the fire is hot. A though crossed my mind to head out to Fresno to develop my film. I called they weren’t closing until 7. I was warming up my car when I looked up how much it cost to just get it done at Walmart and ended up wasting hella time there. I was going to get some prints for the frames I have that I haven’t hung up yet, when I asked what the turn around time for the film was. They said more than 5 weeks vs 1 week at Horn Photo. Fuck that it was still 5 wt a 45 min estimated travel time so I busted a mission to Fresnalgas and forked over the hundo for the 5 rolls. I see it as in investment in my happiness and creative expression. Each roll has 36 exposures so I’ll be getting back 180 photos. My Duke will be on there and some cute shots from the tattoo convention last year. I was laughing on the phone with Kacey, dancing my life away to cumbias, and excited that I was making moves for myself. After Horn Photo I looked up the nearest thrift. It ended up being one that my mom an I had gone to the first time I had been seeing Z. The day we had lunch and went to see The Crow. I didn’t like the prices there, didn’t find much, and honestly ended up getting a little bit sad. I remembered the last time I’d gone thrifting was when he and I went to the one around the corner. It had me reflecting on sweet moments we had where he made me smile. I miss him. I wish I would have listened to all the ways he was telling me/showing me he cared about me more than the skewed well-meaning perspectives of others. I can only change what I do in the future. Keeping my business, my business and asking myself for answers, while acknowledging that I have no control over people’s thoughts or actions. I need to be direct and assert boundaries. That comes with confidence and acceptance of the fact that people may filter themselves out of my life. That was the part that scared me. I have to be okay with people leaving my life. It’s something that happens naturally sometimes even without provocation. My results all came back clear. I was so nervous. Erykah Badu had this amazing quote that really resonated with me about not asking for things but rather being grateful for what was already present. She talked about wanting to be the most high or all around best versions of herself in the roles she plays in life. It’s hard to stop asking for things but it’s part of trusting that all things are playing out as intended. Trusting in the universe to relinquish the feigned sense of control.

For my studies tomorrow I want to research methods of building my self-esteem, and breaking down my fears of rejection/abandonment.

Didn’t get a chance to write today so taking some time to write my thought before the day ends. Here at goth night waiting to get my cards read. Got all dolled up. I’m flattered I got hit on he called me bonita. I’m just not ready to get involved with anyone right now. I feel so used. I’m trying not to get down on myself because it doesn’t serve me and I’ve been getting better every day but I’m just sad. I feel so gullible. Like an idiot. They always say never let a man tell you they don’t like you twice. I’m almost done with my book. Today’s chapter was talking about how you have to treat wins and losses in the same regard. What may feel like a win in the moment can later turn out to be something that’s not good for you while something you may see as a loss can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I’m starting to acknowledge all of the ways I’ve been disrespecting myself over the years. Not acknowledging the work I’ve been needing to do. It’s like I was frozen. Not wanting to deal with any of the hardships I’ve faced. I’ve had a very rough couple of years. While some things were completely out of my control. There are many situations where I’ve put myself in the space for harm. I should want to change for myself not because of someone else. That’s that he didn’t even know any of the things I’d been to an extent dishonest about or leaving out because I was afraid he wouldn’t want to be with me. The person I want to be with loves all of me despite who I’ve been in the past. They’re not going to be unsure of wanting to be with me. I’m worthy of being loved and I deserve to be with someone who acknowledges my worth and the strength it takes to still have a good heart despite all of the things that have happened to me.

05/22/25

Still no word yet on the results of my testing. Prayed for myself and my loved ones last night. This experience has helped me grow in so many different ways. I feel as though I’m in a great transitional phase. Growing into the person I’ve always wanted to be and know I could become. I know it hasn’t been that long that I stopped drinking, but as I was typing my last entry I just couldn’t believe the person I was becoming. Obviously I really cared about him but to say that we really had very many things in common wouldn’t be true. When asked what I like about him, it’s mostly how he made me want to become a better version of myself. Years of drinking and not wanting to face or cope with my feelings I didn’t realize until I was typing it last night how careless I had been about other people’s feelings. Jose and Patrick aren’t exactly the greatest people in the world, but they didn’t deserve the way I just tossed them aside as though they were nothing. It’s like I was pushing people away out of fear that they’d do it to me first. I was on a dark path. I was slowly killing myself. Developing into a person I no longer recognized. Definitely not someone I was proud of. I wouldn’t have wanted to date me either. That’s that most people had no idea the degree to which I was inebriating myself and how often. Even when I was still seeing him I remember I started to grow very insecure about myself and one night I got so drunk I bit all my nails off and chipped my front tooth. I hadn’t been able to find work that summer and had blown through my savings. I was relying heavily on my credit card. My insecurities had me believing that he would rather have his ex there instead of me. For years I’ve been tearing myself down whether it be about my weight, my financial status, my education, etc. Now that I’ve been listening to audiobooks about rewiring my thinking process, I realize that I was conditioning my brain to shit on myself all the time, about all the ways that I wasn’t good enough. It was easier to black out and not think about it. I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to change or that I was going to fail so why bother even trying. I had a true failure mentality. I was lying about who I was. My lunch is ending.

To be continued….