I had a beautiful day today. Trying not to stress so much about my situation and just be in the present. I can’t change anything about the choices I’ve made in the past but I can be more intentional with my life choices. I was ignorant to what life would be like for me. I thought if I finished school and didn’t have kids I would live a financially stable life. I’ve been fine with scraping along. Actually no, I realize that I want leadership roles but have always been hesitant to occupy them. Out of fear of: the disappointment of not getting the position, or the failure of not being able to hack it. I always thought one day I’ll be in a financial plateau where I’ll be able to put my all into my website and I’ll be successful in my business. I have a severe lack of following through on my commitments and it hinders me in so many aspects of my life. I’m not necessarily motivated by the idea of having lavish things; I just want to live comfortably without financial stress. Maybe what motivated my family into success was experiencing true poverty and knowing that they didn’t want to live that way. I want to be able to do nice things for my family one day. I was always scared my siblings didn’t like me and I was afraid of rejection so I never made a huge effort the way Amelia would. It melted my heart to see that Sam still had the camera I gave him years ago and Jake still had the mug I gave him. I love all my family so much I’m so grateful they’ve forgiven me for my mistakes. I hope I can continue to grow from them and do my best to mend the hurt I’ve caused them and in turn myself. I’m sad I missed the Sahagun Easter, but I had an amazing day that I’m so blessed to have experienced.

Que te digo. Being here always makes me wonder where I’d be at in life. I get so mad at myself for not seeing the opportunities my Dad and Bridget were trying to offer me. I didn’t have structure or any real rules and I thought that’s how I wanted things to be. I didn’t want to move over here because I’d miss my Tia Lupe too much, and because I wouldn’t be able to get away with mamadas the way that I was able to at home. I’m trying to live my life in a more structured way because I know that when I’m structured I’m more successful. I see how successful my siblings are and I’m so proud of them; I know that my Dad and Bridget just wanted to same for us and tried to show us how we could be successful and I don’t know why I just thought things would fall into place somehow. I need to do better for myself. Find a path and stick to it. Actually follow through though. I need to make things happen for myself.