Even though I’m not working officially I feel so busy lately. Always trying to find something to do or somewhere to work. I need to finish my application to the teaching credential program. I’m grateful to my family for giving me an opportunity to redeem myself. I want to be able to help with my Tia as much as I can. Glad I finally reached out to my amigas too. I have to start utilizing my resources instead of isolating. Idk why I’m like that I’m just so sensitive and chillona. When I’m all crying a river Jordan I just want to be alone. I feel like lately I’ve been even more of a crybaby. I told Valeria how on Sunday I was just over life and contemplated just disappearing into the Sequoias like the guy in Into The Wild gave up society and took off to Alaska…but then I remembered how the movie ended and I was like well damn maybe I’ll just stay home and cry my eyes out instead. I’m in a better headspace now I’m just trying to be grateful and know that I’m doing my best every day. That’s all I can do and just lean on my loved ones when I need to. I’m glad I talked to Amelia too she always knows how to reel me in when I get carried away. Hopefully I find something steady soon!

Saturday’s have been my day off but today was kind of hectic. I was trying to see my Dad, clean Kari’s, clean my house, ship things out, etc. I did most things I wanted to. I’m disappointed in myself for not being there more for my family. It was hard to see my Tia Gloria and know that I haven’t been there for her in the ways that I should’ve been. I know my Grandpa is around though because I saw 222 when I was walking them to their car and we ran into a beautiful Gardenia around the corner. I miss him. I miss the warm moments the three of us shared. I felt like such a piece of shit. I feel like a piece of shit. I should’ve been there more. I can’t change anything now all I can do is just try to be more present and give people an opportunity to get to know me. I hate the idea that people think I’m lying about why I got fired like I stole something. I was telling Kacey how I can see it on people’s faces that they don’t think I’m telling the truth like they think I stole money or something. She said, “then they don’t know you amiga because you would never steal and even Kari said the same thing so people who think that just don’t know who you are”

I’m sad that my Tia Gloria doesn’t recognize me. I’m sad that my family doesn’t really know me and they have these misconceptions of who they think I am. I hope she gets well soon. I hope my cousin knows how much his mom loves him. He’s such a great person and he deserves the world. He’s kind and compassionate and I hope he finds everything he’s looking for in this life.

04/16/26

Today was rough. Trying to stay positive and make the best of things no me sirve to be crying. It’s good to let out my frustrations in regards to the repercussions of my own negligence but unfortunately now I’ll just have to pay the price and move forward with my life.

Getting back into school and pursuing job security while pushing myself to get my website to where I’ve always wanted it to be.

Todo en este vida se paga. I contemplate The Stranger and how sometimes we just have to play ball to get the things we want in life. Finding the balance in staying true to yourself - your identity while staying within the bounds. I thought of Robin William’s character in Dead Poet Society. You can have the education and qualifications but if you don’t play ball you risk losing everything. I fucked up in a lot of ways and now I’m having to take the L