It was nice seeing everyone today. I’m really glad I went. I feel like I’ve been down in the dumps lately. Or more so coming to terms with the consequences of my actions. Owning where I’m at in life, and trying to climb my way out of the situation I’m in. I was very close to just staying home. I’m glad I went and that I skateboarded over there. It’s crazy now reflecting on how Jocelyn was trying to tell me about her experience getting tattooed the day I was getting fired. Now knowing that she was trying to tell me who she saw. I’m upset that this whole situation has had such a hold on me. Jocelyn really inspires me. Her strength and even though she’s younger than me she’s so wise. I told her how I’ve always considered the idea of being writer. Maybe I could start writing about my life. I hope that once I start my new job and school, I’ll be so busy. I’m already so proud of the progress I’ve made since coming to terms with the fact that we’re done. I’ve been so busy with life I know I haven’t been dwelling as much. I redirect my attention to things that actually benefit me. After talking to Jocelyn today I know that people are right when they say men have a tendency to be selfish. I should have better considered the position I was putting myself in by getting involved with a coworker; and someone who had already broken my heart once. I should have learned my lesson after Isaac. I want to give my energy to myself or someone who is willing to offer respect and reciprocity. I am getting better at asserting boundaries, but there’s always room to grow. I’ve always needed to heal from the things that I was letting hold me back. It’s easier to blame other people than it is to admit that you’re afraid of facing your own traumas. I was brave enough to express myself. I feel that’s the thing I’m most proud of in all of this. My ability to love myself more and more despite the trials I’ve been facing. Love myself enough to stop drinking. Love myself enough to know my heart, know who I love; I need to be better about communicating that love to them - even when it means owning up to my flaws or taking accountability.
I feel so tired. I need to go to bed. I had an awesome day though. It was such a smooth day. There was a club at the high school that put together a dance for our students. They had an awesome time! They were playing bowling, dancing. I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many smiles and warm hearts. Both classrooms at this site are full of sweet students and loving staff. I’m grateful to have had such two smooth days to start back up.
