I’m getting better day by day. Trying to grow from all of this. I need to put myself first in ways that I haven’t in a very long time. I do for others and rob myself of peace and comfort. I resent myself and others in the end. I’m disappointed with myself and my immaturity. I need to focus on growing my communication skills. I can’t just shut down when things aren’t going my way. I can’t manipulate situations for my own personal gain. I feel guilty for letting other people warp my perception of how our relationship should be or should’ve been. I need to respect boundaries and be a better listener. In a lot of ways I’m waiting to talk. I need to make space for others. In any relationship I get in I need to learn how to communicate my fears, anxieties, and discomforts. Creating boundaries only pushes away what’s not meant for me. I can ask others for advice but I need to synthesize the advice with my lived experience and what I truly think is best for me. I trust my loved ones to give me good advice but ultimately that is derived from their lived experience. To say that he never cared about me is unfair to myself. Also, it goes against what his actions were saying. I knew things were never going to be easy between us. They started in a hard place. I understood

Got a call from Kacey and stopped writing.

Today was better than it’s been. I needed a nature reset, and a rewiring of my thought process. Yesterday I made an appointment to go to Planned Parenthood to get tested. Since the last time we ended things a friend told me to get tested. She didn’t give any other information as to why but I just assumed because he an his ex had a toxic relationship. I just thought they had both been cheating on one another and more than likely either she or he had contracted something. There are a lot of STIs that can be treated so I’m hoping if he had something at some point it was something that was treated. I didn’t want to show my face so soon at the Planned Parenthood because the last time I’d been there was when they let me know I was embarazada de su hijo. I’m sure they’ve seen it all there but I was embarrassed to be going again two months later because of different guy potentially giving me something. When I got the abortion I also had a pap smear that came back negative for anything so if I do have anything; I will know he is responsible. He’s the only person I’ve been with since August of last year. I also need to go get a check up at the doctor to make sure I’m healthy. I’m tired of people giving me shit about my weight. I’d like to be able to confidently say that I’m healthy. I’ve been moving through life with fear and anxiety. I’m beginning the work of facing my fears. Part of that is writing this journal entry. I’ve been afraid of people finding out my truths. The truth will set me free. If I’m open about who I am and the things I’ve endured I don’t have to worry about other people sharing my secrets. I have to live in my truth. Stand by my decisions and own that they were the best thing for me.

Today Jon V and I went up to Sky Line and afterwards I took him to where Patrick had taken me the day we had our rendezvous. We actually happened upon it randomly. Jon V was like go across and see what’s over there. I was like omg I remember this spot it’s a local’s only spot where this guy brought me. Lmfao I was looking down at the spot where Patrick and I had been all laid out in the sun. I was like wow so this is where I was all boo’d up with that worthless guy. Not gonna lie though it was a beautiful day that day. Even though he wasn’t the person I wanted to be with it was an experience I always wanted to have. I wouldn’t call it a fantasy necessarily I’ve always wanted to get freaky out in nature obviously you’d want it to be with someone you actually like - but it felt good to be wanted. The weather was perfect, and the landscape was beautiful. The only complaint I really had was the company. How can you be mad or sad about life when you’re out in the sun getting your titties sucked all the bomb? I guess it’s crazy the way things work out. I was out there with Patrick - sad to not be with worthless ass Jose, only to dig myself into a deeper hole. Two weeks after that I’d gone to get tested things. Things never sorted themselves out with Jose but I can’t say that I really tried either he was someone I was okay with letting go. Patrick proved himself to be a worthless cokehead piece of shit too. I didn’t feel that I could really confide in anyone about what I was going through because I never thought I’d find myself in that situation. Lmao omg I just remembered that I did get back with Jose one last time after Patrick before the abortion hahahaha. I remember Kacey asking me, “Did you tell him you were embarazada de su hijo?” and me laughing sarcastically saying, “Oh, I forgot to tell him”. That was the last time I saw Jose romantically lmao I did see him later at Stacked one night when I was out with the girls. I just acted like I didn’t. He was a repeat offender cartoon character ass motherfucker wearing the same stupid ass Ralph Lauren jacket he always did. Damn, lmao I’m such a hater sometimes but fuck it I’m honest. I had the abortion early August, a few days before we were supposed to go on the shop’s trip to Tahoe. I drove to Fresno took the first pill and went to work later at the shop. I felt so alone. The only person I’d told was trying to convince me to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time. The night before I was gonna go I looked up Patrick on Instagram and thought to reach out to him but when I watched his story he was making out with a girl he had apparently been with for years??? So I blocked him again and decided to just go alone. I remember I had to leave the shop early because I started to have an allergic reaction to the pill. The next day after I took the second pill was awful. Maybe because I’m lucky that I don’t deal with cramps usually but there were moments where I literally thought I was going to die. My mom wanted to go to Red Lobster in Visalia and I remember when I when to the bathroom I thought I was going to bleed out I had never seen so much blood come out of me. I can’t remember the dates exactly but I remember it was sometime mid week and the trip was the upcoming weekend of the first week of August. I never cried about the abortion. I don’t feel any regrets about it to be honest and I didn’t feel guilty, I just felt like I was doing the best thing for myself. The same day I took the second pill was the day he got into his accident.

When we found out he was in the hospital I had already been drinking so I remember I skateboarded over there. I wasn’t able to see him but I remember crying on the way back home. I was shocked at my tears to be honest. I felt like I had a crush on him and never acted on it because of the awful things my friends said about him. I felt that now I’d never get the opportunity to tell him. I remember being scared to see him the next day, afraid that he was going to be all mangled or disfigured. He was being released and going home. We all went over and little by little everyone left, and I stayed. I was so grateful for him to be alive, for me to be able to tell him how I felt. We ended up kissing that day, I know he was trying to go further. I lied and said I was on my period since I was still bleeding from the abortion. I thought it would only last a week. I didn’t know that I would continue to bleed for a while. There was a day when his sister came to visit him and we were scared it was Joseph. That’s when I gave him an out. I asked him if he thought we were making a mistake. He reassured me that everything was going to work out. The last time I saw him we couldn’t keep our hands off one another, I had to go to work but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just be with him all day, but I needed the money. We made plans for the weekend. That was the weekend he ended things with me over Snapchat. I was devastated. I had never cared so deeply for a man. I was trying to help heal him, but he was healing me too. I’d always thought the worst of men. Their capacity to hurt people. The ways I had been strung along, or treated; none of it mattered because fate brought me to this person who was in many ways just as broken and lost as I was. He made me want to be a better version of myself. The path that I had been on for a long time of just downward spiral. I couldn’t recognize who I was becoming. Depression had warped me into this loathsome person who I never thought I would be or could be. I was unhappy with my living situation, my jobs, my finances, and my path of self-destruction I had been riding for a long time.

To be continued….I’m sleepy.

What an amazing weekend. I’m trying to be grateful for the things I do have in my life. People come and go in your life - if they want to leave just let them. I have a lot of love and light to give and to share with people. I need to look internally for the answers. I need to focus on loving myself more.

Why do I allow people to dim my light?

Why do I seek external validation?

Why do I feel the need to talk to everyone willing to lend an ear about my problems?

Why is it so hard to stand up for myself?

I really liked this guy for so long and yes, even prayed for him to come back into my life (only if he was serious) but why would I want someone so badly who showed me time and time again that my feelings didn’t matter. I can make all the excuses in the world but it doesn’t take much to let someone know you care about them. Ultimately, I should’ve never gone down this road if I didn’t think couldn’t trust him to not hurt me. I didn’t want to feel like I was taking an opportunity I had asked for, for granted. When we were together I felt so happy. He made me smile. I was so grateful. I just wanted to take away his grief and make his world brighter. I should’ve gone to him directly about any concerns I had been feeling. I was anxious about if he was really even attracted to me, if he even really wanted to be with me, and if he even really liked me or if it was just because everyone else thought he should be with me. Maybe he just wanted to be with me because he wanted me to talk to the investigator. My brain was running a million different scenarios in my head which were different versions of me just shitting on myself if I’m being real. I can’t rely on someone else to change the way I think about myself. I was afraid of pushing him away by communicating my feelings. I ultimately think that neither one of us is ready to be in a relationship at this time. I need to focus on self-love and my feelings of low self-worth. How I can start to trust myself and my intuition more so I’m not relying on others to make choices for me. Yes, Chris told me to block him the first time, and this last time - but I can’t blame Chris. He loves me and just doesn’t want to see me get played. I as an adult should be able to ask for advice, but still use reasoning to make the best choice for myself. I’m going to make mistakes in this life, but I have to take accountability for my actions.

There’s a chance that Chris is right and that he was just using me this whole time to feel better about himself and his position in life. It’s hard for me to feel that way because he was genuinely so sweet to me when we were together. I would love to believe that he’s just some asshole who just wanted to use me because I’m an easy target with a big heart. He was letting me in but he just needed to be able to trust me and I needed to have patience. My actions were immature and impatient. I was falling into old behaviors that never served me. Doing things to poke at people’s jealousy or insecurities at my big age is bullshit. I just wasn’t feeling confident in myself and how I thought the relationship was going. I needed to communicate my needs and live in my truth instead of pacing my house wondering potential outcomes, and seeking validation from people who I really don’t give a fuck about.

I’m proud of myself for not drinking this weekend. It was temptation island fersure there was a few times where I almost thought I was going to cave. I just knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I knew I was too sad to be fucking with alcohol too because I didn’t want to end up being a crybaby or worse calling him and embarrassing myself even more. It was really hard to call him that day, when he didn’t answer. I thought that was my answer. I was surprised he called me back. I’m embarrassed about practically begging him to give me another opportunity when I knew neither one of us was in the space to do that for one another. My past relationships with people have left me with low self-esteem, distrustful, and anxious. For me to be in a healthy relationship with someone I would need more in a partner than he is able to offer me at this point. I need better communication. More than just a few text messages a day. If I’m having to fill in the gaps my past trauma’s are filling my head with ways that people have hurt me, and how there’s potential for this to be one of those situations again.

I have to work on my confidence. I should believe someone wants to be with me because of all of the great qualities I have. It’s going to be annoying for a partner to constantly have to be providing reassurance. I can’t expect anyone to boost my confidence. The fears I had towards him are rooted in my own belief that no one would want to be with me. If I believe that about myself, why would anyone else think otherwise?

What’s meant to be will be. As much as I’d love to think that we’ll end up together one day, I mean I don’t know. I do know that I really care about him. More than I have about anyone else. I just think that it couldn’t have worked the way things are now. He’s passing through a very hard time right now. I think he thought he could be with me and go through those things or maybe he mistakenly thought those times were over. Relationships are so much work, sacrifice, and trust. I was willing to do the work and sacrifice, but I wasn’t willing to trust. The lack of trust came from my low self-esteem and the way he had already hurt me. I hadn’t forgiven him. Reflecting on our time spent, I can’t say he did much work, sacrifice, or trusting. I think his own traumas always had me at an arms length. He let me in a little bit, but I think we were both as equally mistrusting.

I need to focus on myself and getting to a headspace where I love myself enough to set boundaries and establish intentions. Speak my truth and let people walk away if they aren’t willing to put in the work to be in a healthy relationship with me. If I feel confident in myself, I’ll feel confident in the choices I make, enough to actually make my own and not rely so heavily on the advice of others.