I’m getting better day by day. Trying to grow from all of this. I need to put myself first in ways that I haven’t in a very long time. I do for others and rob myself of peace and comfort. I resent myself and others in the end. I’m disappointed with myself and my immaturity. I need to focus on growing my communication skills. I can’t just shut down when things aren’t going my way. I can’t manipulate situations for my own personal gain. I feel guilty for letting other people warp my perception of how our relationship should be or should’ve been. I need to respect boundaries and be a better listener. In a lot of ways I’m waiting to talk. I need to make space for others. In any relationship I get in I need to learn how to communicate my fears, anxieties, and discomforts. Creating boundaries only pushes away what’s not meant for me. I can ask others for advice but I need to synthesize the advice with my lived experience and what I truly think is best for me. I trust my loved ones to give me good advice but ultimately that is derived from their lived experience. To say that he never cared about me is unfair to myself. Also, it goes against what his actions were saying. I knew things were never going to be easy between us. They started in a hard place. I understood

Got a call from Kacey and stopped writing.

Today was better than it’s been. I needed a nature reset, and a rewiring of my thought process. Yesterday I made an appointment to go to Planned Parenthood to get tested. Since the last time we ended things a friend told me to get tested. She didn’t give any other information as to why but I just assumed because he an his ex had a toxic relationship. I just thought they had both been cheating on one another and more than likely either she or he had contracted something. There are a lot of STIs that can be treated so I’m hoping if he had something at some point it was something that was treated. I didn’t want to show my face so soon at the Planned Parenthood because the last time I’d been there was when they let me know I was embarazada de su hijo. I’m sure they’ve seen it all there but I was embarrassed to be going again two months later because of different guy potentially giving me something. When I got the abortion I also had a pap smear that came back negative for anything so if I do have anything; I will know he is responsible. He’s the only person I’ve been with since August of last year. I also need to go get a check up at the doctor to make sure I’m healthy. I’m tired of people giving me shit about my weight. I’d like to be able to confidently say that I’m healthy. I’ve been moving through life with fear and anxiety. I’m beginning the work of facing my fears. Part of that is writing this journal entry. I’ve been afraid of people finding out my truths. The truth will set me free. If I’m open about who I am and the things I’ve endured I don’t have to worry about other people sharing my secrets. I have to live in my truth. Stand by my decisions and own that they were the best thing for me.

Today Jon V and I went up to Sky Line and afterwards I took him to where Patrick had taken me the day we had our rendezvous. We actually happened upon it randomly. Jon V was like go across and see what’s over there. I was like omg I remember this spot it’s a local’s only spot where this guy brought me. Lmfao I was looking down at the spot where Patrick and I had been all laid out in the sun. I was like wow so this is where I was all boo’d up with that worthless guy. Not gonna lie though it was a beautiful day that day. Even though he wasn’t the person I wanted to be with it was an experience I always wanted to have. I wouldn’t call it a fantasy necessarily I’ve always wanted to get freaky out in nature obviously you’d want it to be with someone you actually like - but it felt good to be wanted. The weather was perfect, and the landscape was beautiful. The only complaint I really had was the company. How can you be mad or sad about life when you’re out in the sun getting your titties sucked all the bomb? I guess it’s crazy the way things work out. I was out there with Patrick - sad to not be with worthless ass Jose, only to dig myself into a deeper hole. Two weeks after that I’d gone to get tested things. Things never sorted themselves out with Jose but I can’t say that I really tried either he was someone I was okay with letting go. Patrick proved himself to be a worthless cokehead piece of shit too. I didn’t feel that I could really confide in anyone about what I was going through because I never thought I’d find myself in that situation. Lmao omg I just remembered that I did get back with Jose one last time after Patrick before the abortion hahahaha. I remember Kacey asking me, “Did you tell him you were embarazada de su hijo?” and me laughing sarcastically saying, “Oh, I forgot to tell him”. That was the last time I saw Jose romantically lmao I did see him later at Stacked one night when I was out with the girls. I just acted like I didn’t. He was a repeat offender cartoon character ass motherfucker wearing the same stupid ass Ralph Lauren jacket he always did. Damn, lmao I’m such a hater sometimes but fuck it I’m honest. I had the abortion early August, a few days before we were supposed to go on the shop’s trip to Tahoe. I drove to Fresno took the first pill and went to work later at the shop. I felt so alone. The only person I’d told was trying to convince me to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time. The night before I was gonna go I looked up Patrick on Instagram and thought to reach out to him but when I watched his story he was making out with a girl he had apparently been with for years??? So I blocked him again and decided to just go alone. I remember I had to leave the shop early because I started to have an allergic reaction to the pill. The next day after I took the second pill was awful. Maybe because I’m lucky that I don’t deal with cramps usually but there were moments where I literally thought I was going to die. My mom wanted to go to Red Lobster in Visalia and I remember when I when to the bathroom I thought I was going to bleed out I had never seen so much blood come out of me. I can’t remember the dates exactly but I remember it was sometime mid week and the trip was the upcoming weekend of the first week of August. I never cried about the abortion. I don’t feel any regrets about it to be honest and I didn’t feel guilty, I just felt like I was doing the best thing for myself. The same day I took the second pill was the day he got into his accident.

When we found out he was in the hospital I had already been drinking so I remember I skateboarded over there. I wasn’t able to see him but I remember crying on the way back home. I was shocked at my tears to be honest. I felt like I had a crush on him and never acted on it because of the awful things my friends said about him. I felt that now I’d never get the opportunity to tell him. I remember being scared to see him the next day, afraid that he was going to be all mangled or disfigured. He was being released and going home. We all went over and little by little everyone left, and I stayed. I was so grateful for him to be alive, for me to be able to tell him how I felt. We ended up kissing that day, I know he was trying to go further. I lied and said I was on my period since I was still bleeding from the abortion. I thought it would only last a week. I didn’t know that I would continue to bleed for a while. There was a day when his sister came to visit him and we were scared it was Joseph. That’s when I gave him an out. I asked him if he thought we were making a mistake. He reassured me that everything was going to work out. The last time I saw him we couldn’t keep our hands off one another, I had to go to work but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just be with him all day, but I needed the money. We made plans for the weekend. That was the weekend he ended things with me over Snapchat. I was devastated. I had never cared so deeply for a man. I was trying to help heal him, but he was healing me too. I’d always thought the worst of men. Their capacity to hurt people. The ways I had been strung along, or treated; none of it mattered because fate brought me to this person who was in many ways just as broken and lost as I was. He made me want to be a better version of myself. The path that I had been on for a long time of just downward spiral. I couldn’t recognize who I was becoming. Depression had warped me into this loathsome person who I never thought I would be or could be. I was unhappy with my living situation, my jobs, my finances, and my path of self-destruction I had been riding for a long time.

To be continued….I’m sleepy.