What an amazing weekend. I’m trying to be grateful for the things I do have in my life. People come and go in your life - if they want to leave just let them. I have a lot of love and light to give and to share with people. I need to look internally for the answers. I need to focus on loving myself more.

Why do I allow people to dim my light?

Why do I seek external validation?

Why do I feel the need to talk to everyone willing to lend an ear about my problems?

Why is it so hard to stand up for myself?

I really liked this guy for so long and yes, even prayed for him to come back into my life (only if he was serious) but why would I want someone so badly who showed me time and time again that my feelings didn’t matter. I can make all the excuses in the world but it doesn’t take much to let someone know you care about them. Ultimately, I should’ve never gone down this road if I didn’t think couldn’t trust him to not hurt me. I didn’t want to feel like I was taking an opportunity I had asked for, for granted. When we were together I felt so happy. He made me smile. I was so grateful. I just wanted to take away his grief and make his world brighter. I should’ve gone to him directly about any concerns I had been feeling. I was anxious about if he was really even attracted to me, if he even really wanted to be with me, and if he even really liked me or if it was just because everyone else thought he should be with me. Maybe he just wanted to be with me because he wanted me to talk to the investigator. My brain was running a million different scenarios in my head which were different versions of me just shitting on myself if I’m being real. I can’t rely on someone else to change the way I think about myself. I was afraid of pushing him away by communicating my feelings. I ultimately think that neither one of us is ready to be in a relationship at this time. I need to focus on self-love and my feelings of low self-worth. How I can start to trust myself and my intuition more so I’m not relying on others to make choices for me. Yes, Chris told me to block him the first time, and this last time - but I can’t blame Chris. He loves me and just doesn’t want to see me get played. I as an adult should be able to ask for advice, but still use reasoning to make the best choice for myself. I’m going to make mistakes in this life, but I have to take accountability for my actions.

There’s a chance that Chris is right and that he was just using me this whole time to feel better about himself and his position in life. It’s hard for me to feel that way because he was genuinely so sweet to me when we were together. I would love to believe that he’s just some asshole who just wanted to use me because I’m an easy target with a big heart. He was letting me in but he just needed to be able to trust me and I needed to have patience. My actions were immature and impatient. I was falling into old behaviors that never served me. Doing things to poke at people’s jealousy or insecurities at my big age is bullshit. I just wasn’t feeling confident in myself and how I thought the relationship was going. I needed to communicate my needs and live in my truth instead of pacing my house wondering potential outcomes, and seeking validation from people who I really don’t give a fuck about.

I’m proud of myself for not drinking this weekend. It was temptation island fersure there was a few times where I almost thought I was going to cave. I just knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore. I knew I was too sad to be fucking with alcohol too because I didn’t want to end up being a crybaby or worse calling him and embarrassing myself even more. It was really hard to call him that day, when he didn’t answer. I thought that was my answer. I was surprised he called me back. I’m embarrassed about practically begging him to give me another opportunity when I knew neither one of us was in the space to do that for one another. My past relationships with people have left me with low self-esteem, distrustful, and anxious. For me to be in a healthy relationship with someone I would need more in a partner than he is able to offer me at this point. I need better communication. More than just a few text messages a day. If I’m having to fill in the gaps my past trauma’s are filling my head with ways that people have hurt me, and how there’s potential for this to be one of those situations again.

I have to work on my confidence. I should believe someone wants to be with me because of all of the great qualities I have. It’s going to be annoying for a partner to constantly have to be providing reassurance. I can’t expect anyone to boost my confidence. The fears I had towards him are rooted in my own belief that no one would want to be with me. If I believe that about myself, why would anyone else think otherwise?

What’s meant to be will be. As much as I’d love to think that we’ll end up together one day, I mean I don’t know. I do know that I really care about him. More than I have about anyone else. I just think that it couldn’t have worked the way things are now. He’s passing through a very hard time right now. I think he thought he could be with me and go through those things or maybe he mistakenly thought those times were over. Relationships are so much work, sacrifice, and trust. I was willing to do the work and sacrifice, but I wasn’t willing to trust. The lack of trust came from my low self-esteem and the way he had already hurt me. I hadn’t forgiven him. Reflecting on our time spent, I can’t say he did much work, sacrifice, or trusting. I think his own traumas always had me at an arms length. He let me in a little bit, but I think we were both as equally mistrusting.

I need to focus on myself and getting to a headspace where I love myself enough to set boundaries and establish intentions. Speak my truth and let people walk away if they aren’t willing to put in the work to be in a healthy relationship with me. If I feel confident in myself, I’ll feel confident in the choices I make, enough to actually make my own and not rely so heavily on the advice of others.