Still no word yet on the results of my testing. Prayed for myself and my loved ones last night. This experience has helped me grow in so many different ways. I feel as though I’m in a great transitional phase. Growing into the person I’ve always wanted to be and know I could become. I know it hasn’t been that long that I stopped drinking, but as I was typing my last entry I just couldn’t believe the person I was becoming. Obviously I really cared about him but to say that we really had very many things in common wouldn’t be true. When asked what I like about him, it’s mostly how he made me want to become a better version of myself. Years of drinking and not wanting to face or cope with my feelings I didn’t realize until I was typing it last night how careless I had been about other people’s feelings. Jose and Patrick aren’t exactly the greatest people in the world, but they didn’t deserve the way I just tossed them aside as though they were nothing. It’s like I was pushing people away out of fear that they’d do it to me first. I was on a dark path. I was slowly killing myself. Developing into a person I no longer recognized. Definitely not someone I was proud of. I wouldn’t have wanted to date me either. That’s that most people had no idea the degree to which I was inebriating myself and how often. Even when I was still seeing him I remember I started to grow very insecure about myself and one night I got so drunk I bit all my nails off and chipped my front tooth. I hadn’t been able to find work that summer and had blown through my savings. I was relying heavily on my credit card. My insecurities had me believing that he would rather have his ex there instead of me. For years I’ve been tearing myself down whether it be about my weight, my financial status, my education, etc. Now that I’ve been listening to audiobooks about rewiring my thinking process, I realize that I was conditioning my brain to shit on myself all the time, about all the ways that I wasn’t good enough. It was easier to black out and not think about it. I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to change or that I was going to fail so why bother even trying. I had a true failure mentality. I was lying about who I was. My lunch is ending.

To be continued….