Wow I’m disappointed I typed up this whole shit about how I’ve been a piece of shit friend to my cousin Chris and my laptop got all stupid and none of it saved but basically: I need to listen to him more and ask him about what’s going on in his personal life but also, take advice that he gives me. He’s telling me because he cares and doesn’t want me to end up like my mom 50+ struggling financially and alone. The inner work and healing I’ve been doing is great and necessary too but I need to get a higher paying job even if it’s doing something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something that doesn’t make me happy. I’ve been worried for too long about having a good time or hanging out with people and neither one of those things help me in the long run. It’s good that I’ve been making positive changes recently but I said I needed to be patient with myself because I’m sad and need to just be proud of the things I have been able to do for myself in the last couple months. He said that I can’t bitch out and use being sad as an excuse because everyone’s sad to an extent but you still need to make good money, get a house, have a retirement plan, or just have a plan in general. Which I don’t have. I have so much love and respect for Chris even if I don’t always show it cause I don’t want to be all corny. He just wants what’s best for me. I know everything he said I needed to hear. I feel like a piece of shit for not asking him more about what’s going on in his life. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit and pity party that I haven’t seen past myself to ask him about what’s on his mind. I’m looking for another job and making a list of all the things I want to get better at. Being a better friend and listener will be there. I just want to continue on the path to being the best version of myself that I can be. For years I’ve been a narcissist thinking I’m this great person or friend when I know I’m capable of more. It starts with being a better friend to myself above all. I was really missing him today. I wish I wouldn’t have told him to leave me alone. I want him in my life. I can’t change anything that I did. I can only change myself and the way I carry myself. I’m a work in progress.