Today started out rough. I’ve been staying up pretty late writing and reflecting. I’m going through a period of growth. To do that I have to also face my faults and it’s been upsetting. I haven’t wanted to face a lot of the mistakes I’ve made along the way. Livy says acknowledgement is the first step to change. After talking to Amelia last night, I feel like I gave up hope about any type of reconciliation. I had been clinging on and making excuses for what I think he might be feeling or fears he may have about approaching me. I allowed myself to cry about it for the first time this morning. I was wallowing and letting my heart out to Livy and Kacey when Jon V asked me if I wanted to meet up at Lake Kaweah. I was going to spend the day working on my house, website, my job search, and my research methods of personal growth. I didn’t want to be at home all sad girl. I hit up Robert and Izzy to stop by and visit them on the way up to Three Rivers. I was nervous because I knew I’d see my Tio Pepe and Tia Alma. I didn’t know how my visit would be received. It was great catching up with the boys and my Tio and Tia were happy to see me. They told me to not be a stranger. Confirmation that my fear of rejection was invalid. My relationship with the Corvera’s has weighed heavy on my heart for many years. I felt a lot of anger and resentment, followed by guilt for being so quick to throw away lifelong loving relationships over things that were out of my control. Everyone’s had moments of being greedy. I’m not always right, and people aren’t always wrong. In the end, my solitude there wasn’t productive to my well being. It was hard living there without my Grandpa. The events that followed my move have shaped me into the person I am today, and who I want to be. I don’t want to carry hate in my heart for people I love so dearly. My Grandpa wouldn’t want me to be so distant from everyone. I’m nervous to talk to my Dad again. When we last spoke he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said I was. He asked me, “What’s he like?” I said, “He’s sweet, kind, and has a good heart.” My Dad said, “That’s good, that’s important.” It’s the first time I’ve ever shared anything about my romantic life with him. I hope he doesn’t bring it up the next time we talk, but I know he will. I’ll just have to be honest and let him know that it didn’t work out. I’ve been going on this way for so long; the ghosting I mean. Separating myself from people to not have to deal with the difficult conversations. I’ve just been lucky my Dad has always been forgiving and demonstrated patience with my immaturity and lack of communication skills. I’m lucky to have Robert and Izzy in my life who commended my growth and also forgave me for my absence. If they wanted me to change it wasn’t because they were being bossy it’s because they wanted to help me be a better version of myself. I couldn’t see it at the time. I’m blessed they’ve held space for me. I love them so much. I’m excited to continue to build our friendship again to where it once was and then some.
I ended up taking too long with Robert and Izzy. As I was turning onto the 198, Jon V told me he was already heading home. I told him I was sorry for running so late (2HRS lol) but I thought they’d be out there all day and that I was going to turn around. I started doing that but I was like fuck it I’m already in my bikini I’ll just go up there by myself. Livy says I have to do things I’m scared of if I want to grow and build my self-esteem. The river was so high my favorite spot (Slick Rock) was almost completely submerged. I decided to go to Skyline by myself. I spent the day in the river soaking up the sun. I was scared to be there by myself, but I trusted the Universe to keep me safe.
I let the earth dust my body. The river ran through my hair. The Sun’s glow lit my heart. Butterflies and bees danced around me. Birds of red and yellow came to visit. Nature talked, and I listened.
I talked to my friend as I came down the mountain. She’s also anxious-attatchment. I advised her to not let her period get the best of her like I did. I didn’t want her story to be mine. I told her to stay busy, go get her nails done. Do things that make her happy. Some things can’t be undone. In a period brain rage I ended something that could’ve been so good for me. Thinking it was what was best for me, or that if he really cared about me we’d be able to make it work still. I broke trust and ran away from potential rejection. I broke my own heart before I let him break it again. If it’s meant to be it will be. I’m trusting in the Universe to give me what I need not what I want.
I’ll be forever grateful to him regardless of what happens. He and Mikayla influenced my sobriety. He taught me I need to communicate boundaries, expectations, and intentions early on before becoming intimate. The anxiety I experienced through my fear of communicating with him, and also seeing his relationship with his parents drove me to mend the relationship with my Dad. Through losing him I’ve seen the ways I need to grow to be the best version of myself. He showed me I’m capable of vulnerability and giving my heart over to someone without any expectations or personal gain. I wish nothing but the best for him in life. He deserves love, peace, and happiness. I have the utmost respect and love for him.