I need to apply myself to writing daily I feel like I’ve got so much to say and get off my chest. I’m feeling like I’m finally healing from my heartbreak maybe Elda’s right. I can see my growth and the ways that my personal development has been improving my life. I finally reached out to Bridget and at first I didn’t think she was going to respond but she did and it went really well. Next is my Tias. I hope that goes well too. I also made myself proud because I’ve had a little crush on this guy who delivers to our store sometimes, he always gives me little flirty vibes. I was sitting in my car on my 30 when he pulled up and there he was already all smiling aaaaalll cute at me. I was like oh damn I better go hang out in cafe and say something. I ended up going to hang out in the back and before he left I asked him what his name was and we introduced ourselves. I told him I’d see him next time. Lmao today we were all laughing because they said I had him all flustered since he forgot our whole RP order. He was back like 20 minutes later. He was blushing from embarrassment lmao. I had him all twisted like Keith Sweat hahaha. Theeeeenn I think he thought I was going to give him my number or something because I had to go tell him that he couldn’t leave the order on the pallet or he’d get written up. When he saw me he lit up lol then I told him and he said he’d take the write up. I thought he was going to be there today so I curled my hair and did my make-up all cute. I’m just shocked that I even said anything to him at all. It demonstrates how I’m building my self-confidence. I’m also proud that I know that after things ended with Isaac I didn’t ever want to be with someone because I actually liked them or was ready for a new chance at love it was always either to make him jealous or until I thought he would come around. Which is nuts because in a sense I was just waiting for him. I’m proud of myself for being open for new opportunities. I genuinely feel like the universe is rewarding me for the work and healing that I’m generating. I had a few minor setbacks in regards to the heartbreak but I’m just going to push forward in the large scheme of things they weren’t big setbacks they were just an opportunity for me to see how quickly I can propel myself into a negative space should I allow myself to. I know what predictable outcomes would come of such behaviors. To an extent I knew that if I went looking for something I was potentially going to find something that was detrimental to my mental health and I lowkey did. Not anything I was certain about, but I just need to focus on the things that uplift me not trigger my biggest insecurities. If I continue to do the work the Universe will continue to reward me. I am grateful for my growth. I appreciate the things/people I have in my life. Also grateful for the fact that I’m able to communicate with people better even in regards to my disappointment, Amelia was trying to cancel Yosemite tomorrow with me and I was just tripping out on her cause you’re really trying to tell me only a few hours before and want me to not be upset. The old me would’ve been like fine and hung up. I addressed the reasons why I was disappointed and tried to come to a compromise which is what we did, and now we’re just going a little later, I’m going to drive so she can handle some work over the phone, and I let her know that some of her behaviors lately and lack of communication have been really bothering me. I’ve expressed myself, we compromised, and now we’re going to enjoy our day as planned. Also, there’s a guy who I’m not sure if he’s love bombing me but I’m flattered that he’s been trying so hard to try to take me out and get to know me. I’m giving him a chance too. When the girls came over the other night I realized that there have been a few guys that have liked me and tried to express that to me and I’m going to do better about opening my heart and being more kind. Also focus on being honest with men about why I don’t see us working out instead of just ghosting them. While it is easier than confronting the issue, it’d make me feel better as a human being.

07/21/25

Had a great time out at the river minus having to get a new phone. I know I needed one it’s just an unexpected cost. It may just be the push I needed to really start looking for my big girl job. I want to start making more money so I can have more financial freedom to do all the things I want to do. I just have to push myself. I’ve been doing better in terms of the heart though. I think in some ways it was good for me to hang out with the girls the other day. I have mixed feelings about it actually. I was a good time, but they do remind me of him. I couldn’t sleep. I did good about not naming him though I just said I was dealing with heartbreak but didn’t say who. I just want to feel better already but I know it’s going to take some time. I am putting feelers out there though so maybe my Tia Elda is right, un clavo saca otro clavo. It’s hard though when your heart was set on something for so long. It’s going to take time to unravel that. I reflect on how this time last year though I was all twisted over Jose so it’s just going to take me some time. I deserve someone who is willing to give me grace. I also needed to grow and heal from my trauma wounds from childhood. I’m rewiring my brain. Every day I read my affirmations. I spent 32 years hating on myself so I can’t expect that in two months I’m going to love myself. Especially, when I’ve been harboring a lot of guilt from the way things ended between us. I have to accept that I’ll never know if he was just gaslighting me or if he really felt like that. If he did then, that’s his right also. I wonder if Chris is right that I can’t hang out with the girls anymore. At least until I’m fully over it. We’ll see what happens. I still enjoy their company. I think it’s important to have a sense of community. I do need to focus on personal development, and that should be my first priority above everything. Trying to trust that the universe has something better to offer me. Abundance is coming my way.

07/17/25

Had a rough last two days. I dreamt of my Tia Lupe for the first time ever. I woke myself up from crying. I’m not sure if I was so overcome with emotion from seeing her that I never got to speak with her or just don’t remember what we spoke of. For some reason though I awoke with the feeling that she told me that things were over forever between he and I. Not sure I guess I’ll never know. It’s been hard lately though. I think I thought I’d feel better. People tell me that I look like I’m glowing and healthy, but it’s hard to feel like that. I keep pushing I guess that’s all I can do really. I did all my yard work in the front yard. I pride myself on my independence and understand that I’m capable of doing it myself and I do enjoy it to an extent minus the heat. However, lately it’s been healing thinking of all the things my future man would do to help me. Whether it be helping me with the yard personally, or coming home and seeing that he paid someone to do it so I wouldn’t have to. Someone being thoughtful of the things I like and going the extra mile to ensure that I feel seen, and helped. I realize I’m romanticizing the relationship we had. I’ve been doing that. I’ve also been blaming myself for the downfall, potentially gaslit into thinking that. Not sure yet on that one but ultimately it’s something else I’ll never really know. I just know I need to stop talking and thinking about it. As a whole. To anyone. I need to cut it out of me and just grow around it. It was fate, but not fate as a means to a true and lasting romance, fate to love myself and grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be. There was many things I needed to address. I’m regurgitating a lot of things I’ve already written about, but if I’m sad it’s only because I’m being ungrateful about the things I do in fact have in my life. I have to appreciate these things, people, places, experiences, and talk about that. I can’t waste my breath on this person anymore. It doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t serve to benefit me. Eventually I will feel better it’s just going to take more time. It’s only been two months. These emotions were built over a year time period. I have to open myself to the potentials that are available to me, the things I deserve, and the reality of what it was I had. I spent more time fantasizing about having this person around than actual time spent. I’m mourning what could have been. I can’t change that. I can change how I want to make more money and be financially stable. I know I like helping people and nature. I need to see if there’s a career path more aligned with these passions that’s within my reach. These are things that are worth my energy. Not replaying sweet moments, or errors, or how I could’ve done things differently. The bottom line is it’s over. I can be sad about it; that’s valid - but I need to move on and use this pain to make much needed changes. Continue to share my time with people who inspire me. Maybe Chris is right, so is Livy. A sense of community is good for you but I have to recognize that I want better friends. Starting with being the best friend to myself. Even if that means distancing myself from people who haven’t been the best of friends to me. I have to go where there’s reciprocity. I will no longer reach out to people who don’t reach out to me. I will not pour my energy into situations that simply drain me. Everyone is busy, you make time for the things that matter; if they’re not making time for me it’s for none other than that I don’t truly matter to them. I need to work on many things about myself that I wasn’t being honest about. In my substance abuse I was taking actions to utilize people for potential information, or with the intent to make him jealous. It’s not right to use people in that way. It also put me in a situation of potential danger, and backfired on making me look like I was seeing these people romantically. I was wrong for this. I was also wrong for exposing what my friends said about this person without defending them. For my next romantic partner they must take priority, I need to defend them when people speak ill of them. Truth clears shame. I’m ashamed of the ways I acted in the past but I’m writing about it so I can grow from it. I’m excited for my adventure to the mountains tomorrow. I’m going to attempt to be more brave. I told Livy if I die in the mountains I will have died doing what I love. If it’s my time it’s my time. I can be scared and brave at the same time. I have nothing to lose. What is the point of life if you’re not living it to the fullest? I used to drink multiple bottles of wine in a day, I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning and that didn’t stop me. Yes, you can drown in the river, but you can die actually in I believe it’s 3” of water too. How brave would I feel though descending from that bridge? Maybe it will make me a stronger person. If I don’t make it. I have this website as my legacy, my art, my written works, my photography. I can never really die. Just in case I leave all my belongings to Amelia and Livy to divvy up fairly between my loved ones. I don’t want to be in a coma, unplug me once everyone’s said their good-byes. To the people I’ve hurt I’m sorry, I love you; I hope you forgive me. To the people who have hurt me, I love you; I forgive you. Juuuuuuust in case. Who knows I mean I could theoretically die in my sleep tonight and never even make it to the mountains. We’re not promised tomorrow. Know that I’m with my loved ones and I’ll be in your hearts and memories forever.

With Love,

Alicia

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