Had a rough last two days. I dreamt of my Tia Lupe for the first time ever. I woke myself up from crying. I’m not sure if I was so overcome with emotion from seeing her that I never got to speak with her or just don’t remember what we spoke of. For some reason though I awoke with the feeling that she told me that things were over forever between he and I. Not sure I guess I’ll never know. It’s been hard lately though. I think I thought I’d feel better. People tell me that I look like I’m glowing and healthy, but it’s hard to feel like that. I keep pushing I guess that’s all I can do really. I did all my yard work in the front yard. I pride myself on my independence and understand that I’m capable of doing it myself and I do enjoy it to an extent minus the heat. However, lately it’s been healing thinking of all the things my future man would do to help me. Whether it be helping me with the yard personally, or coming home and seeing that he paid someone to do it so I wouldn’t have to. Someone being thoughtful of the things I like and going the extra mile to ensure that I feel seen, and helped. I realize I’m romanticizing the relationship we had. I’ve been doing that. I’ve also been blaming myself for the downfall, potentially gaslit into thinking that. Not sure yet on that one but ultimately it’s something else I’ll never really know. I just know I need to stop talking and thinking about it. As a whole. To anyone. I need to cut it out of me and just grow around it. It was fate, but not fate as a means to a true and lasting romance, fate to love myself and grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be. There was many things I needed to address. I’m regurgitating a lot of things I’ve already written about, but if I’m sad it’s only because I’m being ungrateful about the things I do in fact have in my life. I have to appreciate these things, people, places, experiences, and talk about that. I can’t waste my breath on this person anymore. It doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t serve to benefit me. Eventually I will feel better it’s just going to take more time. It’s only been two months. These emotions were built over a year time period. I have to open myself to the potentials that are available to me, the things I deserve, and the reality of what it was I had. I spent more time fantasizing about having this person around than actual time spent. I’m mourning what could have been. I can’t change that. I can change how I want to make more money and be financially stable. I know I like helping people and nature. I need to see if there’s a career path more aligned with these passions that’s within my reach. These are things that are worth my energy. Not replaying sweet moments, or errors, or how I could’ve done things differently. The bottom line is it’s over. I can be sad about it; that’s valid - but I need to move on and use this pain to make much needed changes. Continue to share my time with people who inspire me. Maybe Chris is right, so is Livy. A sense of community is good for you but I have to recognize that I want better friends. Starting with being the best friend to myself. Even if that means distancing myself from people who haven’t been the best of friends to me. I have to go where there’s reciprocity. I will no longer reach out to people who don’t reach out to me. I will not pour my energy into situations that simply drain me. Everyone is busy, you make time for the things that matter; if they’re not making time for me it’s for none other than that I don’t truly matter to them. I need to work on many things about myself that I wasn’t being honest about. In my substance abuse I was taking actions to utilize people for potential information, or with the intent to make him jealous. It’s not right to use people in that way. It also put me in a situation of potential danger, and backfired on making me look like I was seeing these people romantically. I was wrong for this. I was also wrong for exposing what my friends said about this person without defending them. For my next romantic partner they must take priority, I need to defend them when people speak ill of them. Truth clears shame. I’m ashamed of the ways I acted in the past but I’m writing about it so I can grow from it. I’m excited for my adventure to the mountains tomorrow. I’m going to attempt to be more brave. I told Livy if I die in the mountains I will have died doing what I love. If it’s my time it’s my time. I can be scared and brave at the same time. I have nothing to lose. What is the point of life if you’re not living it to the fullest? I used to drink multiple bottles of wine in a day, I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning and that didn’t stop me. Yes, you can drown in the river, but you can die actually in I believe it’s 3” of water too. How brave would I feel though descending from that bridge? Maybe it will make me a stronger person. If I don’t make it. I have this website as my legacy, my art, my written works, my photography. I can never really die. Just in case I leave all my belongings to Amelia and Livy to divvy up fairly between my loved ones. I don’t want to be in a coma, unplug me once everyone’s said their good-byes. To the people I’ve hurt I’m sorry, I love you; I hope you forgive me. To the people who have hurt me, I love you; I forgive you. Juuuuuuust in case. Who knows I mean I could theoretically die in my sleep tonight and never even make it to the mountains. We’re not promised tomorrow. Know that I’m with my loved ones and I’ll be in your hearts and memories forever.

With Love,

Alicia