07/21/25

Had a great time out at the river minus having to get a new phone. I know I needed one it’s just an unexpected cost. It may just be the push I needed to really start looking for my big girl job. I want to start making more money so I can have more financial freedom to do all the things I want to do. I just have to push myself. I’ve been doing better in terms of the heart though. I think in some ways it was good for me to hang out with the girls the other day. I have mixed feelings about it actually. I was a good time, but they do remind me of him. I couldn’t sleep. I did good about not naming him though I just said I was dealing with heartbreak but didn’t say who. I just want to feel better already but I know it’s going to take some time. I am putting feelers out there though so maybe my Tia Elda is right, un clavo saca otro clavo. It’s hard though when your heart was set on something for so long. It’s going to take time to unravel that. I reflect on how this time last year though I was all twisted over Jose so it’s just going to take me some time. I deserve someone who is willing to give me grace. I also needed to grow and heal from my trauma wounds from childhood. I’m rewiring my brain. Every day I read my affirmations. I spent 32 years hating on myself so I can’t expect that in two months I’m going to love myself. Especially, when I’ve been harboring a lot of guilt from the way things ended between us. I have to accept that I’ll never know if he was just gaslighting me or if he really felt like that. If he did then, that’s his right also. I wonder if Chris is right that I can’t hang out with the girls anymore. At least until I’m fully over it. We’ll see what happens. I still enjoy their company. I think it’s important to have a sense of community. I do need to focus on personal development, and that should be my first priority above everything. Trying to trust that the universe has something better to offer me. Abundance is coming my way.

07/17/25

Had a rough last two days. I dreamt of my Tia Lupe for the first time ever. I woke myself up from crying. I’m not sure if I was so overcome with emotion from seeing her that I never got to speak with her or just don’t remember what we spoke of. For some reason though I awoke with the feeling that she told me that things were over forever between he and I. Not sure I guess I’ll never know. It’s been hard lately though. I think I thought I’d feel better. People tell me that I look like I’m glowing and healthy, but it’s hard to feel like that. I keep pushing I guess that’s all I can do really. I did all my yard work in the front yard. I pride myself on my independence and understand that I’m capable of doing it myself and I do enjoy it to an extent minus the heat. However, lately it’s been healing thinking of all the things my future man would do to help me. Whether it be helping me with the yard personally, or coming home and seeing that he paid someone to do it so I wouldn’t have to. Someone being thoughtful of the things I like and going the extra mile to ensure that I feel seen, and helped. I realize I’m romanticizing the relationship we had. I’ve been doing that. I’ve also been blaming myself for the downfall, potentially gaslit into thinking that. Not sure yet on that one but ultimately it’s something else I’ll never really know. I just know I need to stop talking and thinking about it. As a whole. To anyone. I need to cut it out of me and just grow around it. It was fate, but not fate as a means to a true and lasting romance, fate to love myself and grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be. There was many things I needed to address. I’m regurgitating a lot of things I’ve already written about, but if I’m sad it’s only because I’m being ungrateful about the things I do in fact have in my life. I have to appreciate these things, people, places, experiences, and talk about that. I can’t waste my breath on this person anymore. It doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t serve to benefit me. Eventually I will feel better it’s just going to take more time. It’s only been two months. These emotions were built over a year time period. I have to open myself to the potentials that are available to me, the things I deserve, and the reality of what it was I had. I spent more time fantasizing about having this person around than actual time spent. I’m mourning what could have been. I can’t change that. I can change how I want to make more money and be financially stable. I know I like helping people and nature. I need to see if there’s a career path more aligned with these passions that’s within my reach. These are things that are worth my energy. Not replaying sweet moments, or errors, or how I could’ve done things differently. The bottom line is it’s over. I can be sad about it; that’s valid - but I need to move on and use this pain to make much needed changes. Continue to share my time with people who inspire me. Maybe Chris is right, so is Livy. A sense of community is good for you but I have to recognize that I want better friends. Starting with being the best friend to myself. Even if that means distancing myself from people who haven’t been the best of friends to me. I have to go where there’s reciprocity. I will no longer reach out to people who don’t reach out to me. I will not pour my energy into situations that simply drain me. Everyone is busy, you make time for the things that matter; if they’re not making time for me it’s for none other than that I don’t truly matter to them. I need to work on many things about myself that I wasn’t being honest about. In my substance abuse I was taking actions to utilize people for potential information, or with the intent to make him jealous. It’s not right to use people in that way. It also put me in a situation of potential danger, and backfired on making me look like I was seeing these people romantically. I was wrong for this. I was also wrong for exposing what my friends said about this person without defending them. For my next romantic partner they must take priority, I need to defend them when people speak ill of them. Truth clears shame. I’m ashamed of the ways I acted in the past but I’m writing about it so I can grow from it. I’m excited for my adventure to the mountains tomorrow. I’m going to attempt to be more brave. I told Livy if I die in the mountains I will have died doing what I love. If it’s my time it’s my time. I can be scared and brave at the same time. I have nothing to lose. What is the point of life if you’re not living it to the fullest? I used to drink multiple bottles of wine in a day, I could’ve died from alcohol poisoning and that didn’t stop me. Yes, you can drown in the river, but you can die actually in I believe it’s 3” of water too. How brave would I feel though descending from that bridge? Maybe it will make me a stronger person. If I don’t make it. I have this website as my legacy, my art, my written works, my photography. I can never really die. Just in case I leave all my belongings to Amelia and Livy to divvy up fairly between my loved ones. I don’t want to be in a coma, unplug me once everyone’s said their good-byes. To the people I’ve hurt I’m sorry, I love you; I hope you forgive me. To the people who have hurt me, I love you; I forgive you. Juuuuuuust in case. Who knows I mean I could theoretically die in my sleep tonight and never even make it to the mountains. We’re not promised tomorrow. Know that I’m with my loved ones and I’ll be in your hearts and memories forever.

With Love,

Alicia

IX

07/15/25

Getting down cleaning my house. It feels good to be home and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been able to build for myself. I look around and I’m satisfied with the way my place looks; it’s really coming along. My laptop isn’t working anymore so that’s a bummer I’d been thinking about going back to school or working on my website more but it’s going to be difficult - not impossible, but difficult without an up-to-date laptop. Danny rescheduled for Saturday which is a bummer because I only have Thursday/Friday off this week. So I won’t be able to venture into the Sequoias this week. Trying to work on finding comfort in disappointment. I honestly didn’t get my hopes up too much though because I’ve been learning to trust people to be who they are, and I’ve known Danny to be a flake so I already knew to grace myself for the plans not happening. I can always see if Amelia’s down to do something or just take care of things that have been on my to-do list. I need an oil change and my yard is looking kind of crazy so maybe I can just utilize that time to be a little home body. I have plans with Misty on Friday so I still have something to look forward to. Again though, I’m just trying to live in the present, understand that not even the rest of today or tomorrow is for certain. I have to ground myself in gratitude and appreciation rather than disappointment and anger. Even I am not always able to follow through so I need to be more flexible. I feel like I’m taking it rather well though. Worst case scenario I just go to the Kaweah Oaks Preserve and pay my favorite tree a visit. I have work later hopefully it goes well. Keeping my heart open to good vibes, and positivity. Still working on mustering up the strength to reach out to Bridget and my Tias. Also, still trying to redirect my mind whenever he crosses it. I will have beautiful moments with other people in my future. The Universe is pushing me to where I need to be. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

07/14/25

Had an amazing time camping. I can’t say that there weren’t times where I was slightly tempted to drink, but proud of myself that I didn’t. So grateful to be home. Excited for the next couple weeks. I have the Sequoias coming up this Thursday, and Yosemite next week. So thankful to live so close to such beautiful spaces. I was in awe at how lush and breathtaking The Avenue of the Giants was. Lucky to have Robert and Izzy in my life. We made so many magical memories. I loved the experience but it made me so grateful to have such a comfortable bed, such amazing people in my life, and happy to be alive sharing such wonderful experiences with them. I’m trying to keep myself busy. I’m hoping to heal from this heartbreak faster through nature submersion. Soak up the sun and try to keep my mind off him. I was hoping to potentially meet someone out there. I just want to be swept off my feet in love with someone. I care deeply for this person, but I need to accept the way things ended. I’ve been having trouble letting go and giving in to the Universe. Tarot keeps telling me I’m resisting the transition, I’m really trying. I’ve journaled, done cord-cutting, I’m not sure how else I’m supposed to move forward. I haven’t reached out, I haven’t even looked at his Instagram since May. I deactivated my personal instagram so I wouldn’t have to see the group chat. I unfollowed accounts that reminded me of him - except my girl friends. I try to redirect my mind whenever I’m thinking of him. I’ve maintained my sobriety; minus smoking socially. I’ve just been trying to focus on my personal development. Working towards the things I want in life. Utilizing my creative skills to paint, sew, and build my brand. Doing the shadow work to heal from my trauma wounds. I know I can’t undo years of bullshit in a matter of weeks. I’m a work in progress. I just have to keep moving forward. Grateful nonetheless for my life, my loved ones, and my progress thus far.