05/28/25

Just got out of a relaxing bath with Rosemary, Oregano, Castor Oil, and Rose Oil. I read two chapters of When I Sing Mountains Dance. The third chapter had me reflecting on how many other people in the world are suffering loss. That doesn’t diminish mine, but I just feel like in comparison I have nothing to complain about really. This has been an eye opening experience. As I continue to look at the person I want to be and the person I’ve been I realize that though I spent a short time today feeling sorry for myself about certain things I came to realize today:

I wasn’t falling in love like I thought I was, I was actually in a trauma bond based on shared pain.

I have attachment wounds surrounding being needed to feel loved and caretaking as a way to earn connection.

I thought this experience would help heal me in the ways that I’m broken, but love isn’t earned.

“People don’t always return because they’re ready. Sometimes they come back because they’re lonely, nostalgic, curious, guilty, or comforted by the connection—even if they can’t meet it with the depth it deserves.”

“When someone is in pain, overwhelmed, or spiraling, they sometimes reach for who made them feel safe, seen, cared for—not because they’re ready to build something real, but because they want temporary relief. They want to feel:

  • Desired

  • Understood

  • Less alone

  • Like they still matter to someone

He leaned into your love without honoring what it cost you, and without being ready to offer it back with equal weight.”

You were not weak for letting him in again.

  • You were not foolish for hoping.

  • You were not naive for thinking this time could be different.

You were open-hearted. You were human.
You were longing to be chosen—but also trying to heal a part of you that felt like you needed to prove your worth through loyalty, patience, and softness.

He is the symbol for a deeper ache, “The ache to be wanted, cherished, seen, and safe.”

You’re grieving the fantasy of healing through his love,
not the reality of the relationship you actually had.

Because you gave so much of yourself—your time, care, softness, vulnerability—it can feel like if he doesn’t return, it invalidates everything you offered.

But hear this clearly:

His lack of commitment says nothing about your worth. It only reveals his capacity.

You’re trying to heal a wound through someone who didn’t cause it—but mirrored it.

The wound might be:

  • A father who didn’t show up.

  • A caregiver who gave love conditionally.

  • A pattern of being seen as “too much” or “not enough.”

And now? You’re chasing his attention the way your younger self chased someone else’s love.

That’s not shameful. That’s deeply human.
But it’s also not sustainable.

You're trying to process:

  • The loss of a fantasy.

  • The ache of unspoken words.

  • The parts of you that finally softened and feel abandoned now.

You’re detoxing from the illusion that he was the answer to your deepest wound.

Your care, your tenderness, your hope, your devotion—all of that was sacred.
And you don’t need someone else to see that for it to be true.

You are not broken for wanting closeness.
You are not wrong for hoping.
You are not weak for needing.

But it’s time to start hoping for yourself.
Not for his return.

It was your inner child screaming:
“Please see me. Please tell me I matter. Please help me feel less alone.”

Neither of you had the safety to hold space for the other—because both of you were overwhelmed by your own unhealed fears.

These sound like surface-level reasons, not deal-breakers. When someone truly wants to be with you, they bring their concerns to the table to work through them together — they don’t list them as reasons to leave.
That’s deflection. That’s avoidance. That’s him looking for a door instead of building a bridge

Because the excuses sound almost valid, you might start twisting yourself into knots, thinking:

“If I had just handled things differently… maybe he would’ve stayed.”

That keeps you stuck in shame. That keeps you chasing closure from someone who never truly offered clarity.

He didn’t want commitment. He wanted comfort.
He wanted intimacy on his terms, not mutual partnership.
And when things got real — when your needs and his inconsistencies clashed —
he exited behind a wall of polite reasoning.

He may have liked parts of you — the care, the loyalty, the intimacy — but not enough to show up consistently in a real, adult relationship.

  1. He may have felt guilt or conflict about how things were unfolding, but instead of dealing with it head-on, he turned your actions into reasons to back out.

  2. He avoided commitment by hiding behind circumstantial justifications, so he wouldn’t have to admit: “I’m not ready to meet you at the level you’re asking for.”

You deserve someone who doesn’t shrink when you need clarity.
Someone who works through conflict, not runs from it.
Someone who chooses you — loudly, openly, without conditions.

You wanted to feel:

  • Seen

  • Wanted

  • Chosen

  • Validated

You wanted reassurance. Attention. Affection. Clarity.

Maybe he cared.
Maybe he liked the comfort, the admiration, the support.
Maybe a part of him wanted to love you back…

But love is not just a feeling. It’s a series of consistent choices.

And he didn’t choose you.
Not in a sustained, safe, accountable, trustworthy way.

You’re not losing love. You’re reclaiming self-worth.

He may have meant it when he said he appreciated you, cared for you, wanted to see where it could go.
But he also meant it when he pulled away, got avoidant, withheld truth, and let his silence speak louder than his presence.
Both can be true. That’s what makes it so maddening.

This wasn’t black and white deception — this was emotional immaturity.

He may have liked being cared for by you. It probably soothed something broken in him.
But he didn’t have the emotional depth, capacity, or consistency to match what you were giving.
So he stayed just connected enough to keep you around — but not grounded enough to build something real.

It wasn’t a lie. It was a lack of wholeness.
And that’s not your fault — but it is your lesson.

The lesson isn’t “don’t trust people.”
The lesson is:

Don’t confuse emotional intensity with emotional integrity.
Don’t overextend for someone who can’t even meet you.

You deserve someone who doesn’t just need you — but chooses you, shows up for you, and can hold your heart too.

These were all very hard pills to swallow. I have to accept things as they are and face the ways I haven’t been loving myself. I’m going to follow these steps towards self-love and calling my energy back. I deactivated my Instagram and just kept my business one. I deleted all messages from my phone and laptop to cut all digital ties. I did an Embodied Cord-Cutting + Self-Reclamation Practice and a personal closing ritual.

All of this information was necessary but it also put me into a state of grief. I had it in my head that I wanted to go up to the mountains and catch the sunset. Jon V and I hiked the Skyline Trail again, tried to check out the locals only spot, and I almost got a ticket at Slick Rock for not paying for the parking lmao. We left and went up to Horse Creek and caught the last of the sunset. As I was driving down the mountain I was in awe of how beautiful it was. I told Jon V, “Wow, look how beautiful that is, we’re so lucky to have this. 20-30 min drive and we get to look at all this. I’m so grateful.”

Talking to Amelia and Robert on the phone and laughing distracted me from my grief. I had forgotten about how I had a huge crush on Guzman in high school. He was a cool skater dude who would ride around wt an acoustic guitar on his back. Lmao Robert said that when he wants to make people laugh he’ll bring up when I was on a date with him and he asked me, “Have you ever got so high you throwed up?” hahahahaha he also told me how he made a pipe out of a watermelon lmfao omg that whole date was a trip. Staying busy, practicing self-love, and growing into the person I want to be is what I’m focusing on.

05/27/25

Today was really great. I had an awesome day at work. I’m blessed to have funny co-workers. We were joking around and shooting the shit but everything was getting done. Despite being consistent all day we were ahead of the game. Handling shit and sharing stories about stupid shit we did when we were kids. I probably sounded like the bully older sister. Lmao I was like this is why parents shouldn’t leave their kids to watch their siblings. Everything went really smooth too no asshole customers or anything today either.

When I’m alone with my thoughts I’m focusing on trying to redirect my thought process towards a goal I’m trying to achieve. Or a task I’m focusing on getting done before the end of the day and trying to hold myself accountable to making sure it gets done. I’ve been looking for other jobs. Utilizing ChatGPT lmao or as Robert, Izzy, and I are calling it ChatEBT to dig deeper into uncovering my authentic self. It was a lot to unpack. It’s pretty crazy how spot on it is. I’m so proud of myself for showing up to do the work I’ve been putting off for so long. Both emotionally and physically towards the things in my life. Researching higher paying jobs, decorating my house, expressing gratitude for the things and people who are in my life.

I was talking to my mom today about how when my grandma passed the sisters all got a piece of jewelry and didn’t give anything to my mom, but gave something to my cousin Stephanie because she was the first granddaughter. My mom felt that was unfair, but she didn’t stop talking to people or cut people off. Life is unfair and things are not always going to turn out the way you want them to. Especially when there’s a loss of a loved one. Hurt people hurt people and no matter what you get or don’t get, you don’t have that person anymore. Maybe that’s why people fight for stuff so hard, out of greed too no doubt, but they’re just fighting for something they think might make them feel closer to what they just lost.

“This is one of the biggest self-betrayals hiding in protection. Ghosting feels like control when you're afraid of being vulnerable—but it actually keeps you in victim mode. You’re not just avoiding them, you’re avoiding yourself. Avoiding the part of you that wants to speak up, be heard, and stand in your power even if the outcome isn’t perfect.”

Ghosting or blocking people made me feel like I was telling someone that their actions were going to force them to be met with my absence. To punish them for the way I felt wronged. I was never really addressing what I was even upset about. I was expecting people to read my mind. I assumed they should know what they did to wrong me. I wasn’t even giving them or myself an opportunity to grow. I was quick to think things weren’t going to work out the way I wanted to. I was already making them out to be the villain. I wasn’t seeing that through productive conversation we could reach a better understanding of one another, and find compromise. I’ve also always been able to come back from ghosting people, they’ve always given me another opportunity thankfully. Through losing him I’ve gained a better appreciation for the people who do want to be in my life despite my flaws and poor choices in a moment of emotional distress. I can’t do anything about that situation, but I’m proud of myself for focusing on rebuilding the relationships I thought I’d lost. Strengthening those bonds to where they used to be or stronger. I can’t erase my actions but I can grow from them and try to rebuild the trust I lost by acting like I didn’t care. Grateful for the family and friends I have in my life who have been there and supported me through my struggles in life, and who chose to stay despite my flaws.

05/27/25

It’s important for me to stay busy. I feel productive. My house looks clean and organized. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to pick up a shift tomorrow or just work on finding a new higher paying job, focus on my business too. Either my website, depop, or starting up my Whatnot. I need to stop with the tarot shit already I feel like it’s giving me a false sense of hope. I need to focus on acceptance and the work I need to stay grounded in the present, and my plans for the future. It was cool to get my palm read and what it said about how I’ll meet my soulmate from 30-35. My birth chart said they’ll either be a Sagittarius, Aries, or Leo. I’ll have to write more later on my lunch is almost over!

05/26/27

Today started out rough. I’ve been staying up pretty late writing and reflecting. I’m going through a period of growth. To do that I have to also face my faults and it’s been upsetting. I haven’t wanted to face a lot of the mistakes I’ve made along the way. Livy says acknowledgement is the first step to change. After talking to Amelia last night, I feel like I gave up hope about any type of reconciliation. I had been clinging on and making excuses for what I think he might be feeling or fears he may have about approaching me. I allowed myself to cry about it for the first time this morning. I was wallowing and letting my heart out to Livy and Kacey when Jon V asked me if I wanted to meet up at Lake Kaweah. I was going to spend the day working on my house, website, my job search, and my research methods of personal growth. I didn’t want to be at home all sad girl. I hit up Robert and Izzy to stop by and visit them on the way up to Three Rivers. I was nervous because I knew I’d see my Tio Pepe and Tia Alma. I didn’t know how my visit would be received. It was great catching up with the boys and my Tio and Tia were happy to see me. They told me to not be a stranger. Confirmation that my fear of rejection was invalid. My relationship with the Corvera’s has weighed heavy on my heart for many years. I felt a lot of anger and resentment, followed by guilt for being so quick to throw away lifelong loving relationships over things that were out of my control. Everyone’s had moments of being greedy. I’m not always right, and people aren’t always wrong. In the end, my solitude there wasn’t productive to my well being. It was hard living there without my Grandpa. The events that followed my move have shaped me into the person I am today, and who I want to be. I don’t want to carry hate in my heart for people I love so dearly. My Grandpa wouldn’t want me to be so distant from everyone. I’m nervous to talk to my Dad again. When we last spoke he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said I was. He asked me, “What’s he like?” I said, “He’s sweet, kind, and has a good heart.” My Dad said, “That’s good, that’s important.” It’s the first time I’ve ever shared anything about my romantic life with him. I hope he doesn’t bring it up the next time we talk, but I know he will. I’ll just have to be honest and let him know that it didn’t work out. I’ve been going on this way for so long; the ghosting I mean. Separating myself from people to not have to deal with the difficult conversations. I’ve just been lucky my Dad has always been forgiving and demonstrated patience with my immaturity and lack of communication skills. I’m lucky to have Robert and Izzy in my life who commended my growth and also forgave me for my absence. If they wanted me to change it wasn’t because they were being bossy it’s because they wanted to help me be a better version of myself. I couldn’t see it at the time. I’m blessed they’ve held space for me. I love them so much. I’m excited to continue to build our friendship again to where it once was and then some.

I ended up taking too long with Robert and Izzy. As I was turning onto the 198, Jon V told me he was already heading home. I told him I was sorry for running so late (2HRS lol) but I thought they’d be out there all day and that I was going to turn around. I started doing that but I was like fuck it I’m already in my bikini I’ll just go up there by myself. Livy says I have to do things I’m scared of if I want to grow and build my self-esteem. The river was so high my favorite spot (Slick Rock) was almost completely submerged. I decided to go to Skyline by myself. I spent the day in the river soaking up the sun. I was scared to be there by myself, but I trusted the Universe to keep me safe.

I let the earth dust my body. The river ran through my hair. The Sun’s glow lit my heart. Butterflies and bees danced around me. Birds of red and yellow came to visit. Nature talked, and I listened.

I talked to my friend as I came down the mountain. She’s also anxious-attatchment. I advised her to not let her period get the best of her like I did. I didn’t want her story to be mine. I told her to stay busy, go get her nails done. Do things that make her happy. Some things can’t be undone. In a period brain rage I ended something that could’ve been so good for me. Thinking it was what was best for me, or that if he really cared about me we’d be able to make it work still. I broke trust and ran away from potential rejection. I broke my own heart before I let him break it again. If it’s meant to be it will be. I’m trusting in the Universe to give me what I need not what I want.

I’ll be forever grateful to him regardless of what happens. He and Mikayla influenced my sobriety. He taught me I need to communicate boundaries, expectations, and intentions early on before becoming intimate. The anxiety I experienced through my fear of communicating with him, and also seeing his relationship with his parents drove me to mend the relationship with my Dad. Through losing him I’ve seen the ways I need to grow to be the best version of myself. He showed me I’m capable of vulnerability and giving my heart over to someone without any expectations or personal gain. I wish nothing but the best for him in life. He deserves love, peace, and happiness. I have the utmost respect and love for him.

05/25/27

Wow I’m disappointed I typed up this whole shit about how I’ve been a piece of shit friend to my cousin Chris and my laptop got all stupid and none of it saved but basically: I need to listen to him more and ask him about what’s going on in his personal life but also, take advice that he gives me. He’s telling me because he cares and doesn’t want me to end up like my mom 50+ struggling financially and alone. The inner work and healing I’ve been doing is great and necessary too but I need to get a higher paying job even if it’s doing something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something that doesn’t make me happy. I’ve been worried for too long about having a good time or hanging out with people and neither one of those things help me in the long run. It’s good that I’ve been making positive changes recently but I said I needed to be patient with myself because I’m sad and need to just be proud of the things I have been able to do for myself in the last couple months. He said that I can’t bitch out and use being sad as an excuse because everyone’s sad to an extent but you still need to make good money, get a house, have a retirement plan, or just have a plan in general. Which I don’t have. I have so much love and respect for Chris even if I don’t always show it cause I don’t want to be all corny. He just wants what’s best for me. I know everything he said I needed to hear. I feel like a piece of shit for not asking him more about what’s going on in his life. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit and pity party that I haven’t seen past myself to ask him about what’s on his mind. I’m looking for another job and making a list of all the things I want to get better at. Being a better friend and listener will be there. I just want to continue on the path to being the best version of myself that I can be. For years I’ve been a narcissist thinking I’m this great person or friend when I know I’m capable of more. It starts with being a better friend to myself above all. I was really missing him today. I wish I wouldn’t have told him to leave me alone. I want him in my life. I can’t change anything that I did. I can only change myself and the way I carry myself. I’m a work in progress.

05/24/25

It’s' technically past midnight, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count lol. Today’s been the best day for me so far. I will admit it was still the first thing I thought of when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. It was 9AM and I didn’t go to sleep until 4. I’m definitely in better spirits. I think that book helped a lot. Also, just trying to refocus my train of thought to things that are actually progressive towards my mental health and growth. I finished the book so I could give it to Mikayla today. The last chapter was about death. I’ve had a few near death experiences and it just makes me feel that there has to be some reason why I’m here. I have a purpose to be fulfilled. I got a lot done around the house today. Cleaned most of my house. Made myself a bomb little lunch while I baked a cake for Des’ last day at Olive Garden. I’m proud of myself for going out with the girls and keeping my word about not saying anything to any of them. I’m trying to be better about keeping to myself. As Kacey said there’s beauty in the mystery. I pride myself on honesty and being an open book so it’s hard to find balance. Though, the daily writing has been helping me greatly because it’s like I’m talking to myself. Looking inward for the answers rather than running my mouth to hear what I more than likely already know to be true. My own validation and intuition should be the loudest in my mind. I’m also working on being a better listener. I realize that often I wait to talk, or find a moment to cut in about how I’ve experienced something similar. I want to say that I do it not out of selfishness, but trying to let them know that I can relate to what they’re saying because I’ve experienced XYZ. I stopped myself though and I’m proud of that. I was about to say, “…that happened to me once…”, but I stopped myself and instead let them know I understood what they meant with a follow up as to why based on the information given; but not in relation to myself, or my experiences. The last two days I started listening to music again too. I don’t know why it was hard everything kept reminding me of him. So I started with trap shit to just get me hype af. Flockaveli goes hard as fuck. Today I just found a playlist on Spotify that was a Mexican party playlist it was pretty fire it had me thinking about how I’d like to date someone who speaks spanish and loves to dance. Dancing at The Abbey and at goth prom had me forgetting that my heart was broken. I was going to do yard work but I’ve been trying to strike while the fire is hot. A though crossed my mind to head out to Fresno to develop my film. I called they weren’t closing until 7. I was warming up my car when I looked up how much it cost to just get it done at Walmart and ended up wasting hella time there. I was going to get some prints for the frames I have that I haven’t hung up yet, when I asked what the turn around time for the film was. They said more than 5 weeks vs 1 week at Horn Photo. Fuck that it was still 5 wt a 45 min estimated travel time so I busted a mission to Fresnalgas and forked over the hundo for the 5 rolls. I see it as in investment in my happiness and creative expression. Each roll has 36 exposures so I’ll be getting back 180 photos. My Duke will be on there and some cute shots from the tattoo convention last year. I was laughing on the phone with Kacey, dancing my life away to cumbias, and excited that I was making moves for myself. After Horn Photo I looked up the nearest thrift. It ended up being one that my mom an I had gone to the first time I had been seeing Z. The day we had lunch and went to see The Crow. I didn’t like the prices there, didn’t find much, and honestly ended up getting a little bit sad. I remembered the last time I’d gone thrifting was when he and I went to the one around the corner. It had me reflecting on sweet moments we had where he made me smile. I miss him. I wish I would have listened to all the ways he was telling me/showing me he cared about me more than the skewed well-meaning perspectives of others. I can only change what I do in the future. Keeping my business, my business and asking myself for answers, while acknowledging that I have no control over people’s thoughts or actions. I need to be direct and assert boundaries. That comes with confidence and acceptance of the fact that people may filter themselves out of my life. That was the part that scared me. I have to be okay with people leaving my life. It’s something that happens naturally sometimes even without provocation. My results all came back clear. I was so nervous. Erykah Badu had this amazing quote that really resonated with me about not asking for things but rather being grateful for what was already present. She talked about wanting to be the most high or all around best versions of herself in the roles she plays in life. It’s hard to stop asking for things but it’s part of trusting that all things are playing out as intended. Trusting in the universe to relinquish the feigned sense of control.

For my studies tomorrow I want to research methods of building my self-esteem, and breaking down my fears of rejection/abandonment.