Today was really great. I had an awesome day at work. I’m blessed to have funny co-workers. We were joking around and shooting the shit but everything was getting done. Despite being consistent all day we were ahead of the game. Handling shit and sharing stories about stupid shit we did when we were kids. I probably sounded like the bully older sister. Lmao I was like this is why parents shouldn’t leave their kids to watch their siblings. Everything went really smooth too no asshole customers or anything today either.
When I’m alone with my thoughts I’m focusing on trying to redirect my thought process towards a goal I’m trying to achieve. Or a task I’m focusing on getting done before the end of the day and trying to hold myself accountable to making sure it gets done. I’ve been looking for other jobs. Utilizing ChatGPT lmao or as Robert, Izzy, and I are calling it ChatEBT to dig deeper into uncovering my authentic self. It was a lot to unpack. It’s pretty crazy how spot on it is. I’m so proud of myself for showing up to do the work I’ve been putting off for so long. Both emotionally and physically towards the things in my life. Researching higher paying jobs, decorating my house, expressing gratitude for the things and people who are in my life.
I was talking to my mom today about how when my grandma passed the sisters all got a piece of jewelry and didn’t give anything to my mom, but gave something to my cousin Stephanie because she was the first granddaughter. My mom felt that was unfair, but she didn’t stop talking to people or cut people off. Life is unfair and things are not always going to turn out the way you want them to. Especially when there’s a loss of a loved one. Hurt people hurt people and no matter what you get or don’t get, you don’t have that person anymore. Maybe that’s why people fight for stuff so hard, out of greed too no doubt, but they’re just fighting for something they think might make them feel closer to what they just lost.
“This is one of the biggest self-betrayals hiding in protection. Ghosting feels like control when you're afraid of being vulnerable—but it actually keeps you in victim mode. You’re not just avoiding them, you’re avoiding yourself. Avoiding the part of you that wants to speak up, be heard, and stand in your power even if the outcome isn’t perfect.”
Ghosting or blocking people made me feel like I was telling someone that their actions were going to force them to be met with my absence. To punish them for the way I felt wronged. I was never really addressing what I was even upset about. I was expecting people to read my mind. I assumed they should know what they did to wrong me. I wasn’t even giving them or myself an opportunity to grow. I was quick to think things weren’t going to work out the way I wanted to. I was already making them out to be the villain. I wasn’t seeing that through productive conversation we could reach a better understanding of one another, and find compromise. I’ve also always been able to come back from ghosting people, they’ve always given me another opportunity thankfully. Through losing him I’ve gained a better appreciation for the people who do want to be in my life despite my flaws and poor choices in a moment of emotional distress. I can’t do anything about that situation, but I’m proud of myself for focusing on rebuilding the relationships I thought I’d lost. Strengthening those bonds to where they used to be or stronger. I can’t erase my actions but I can grow from them and try to rebuild the trust I lost by acting like I didn’t care. Grateful for the family and friends I have in my life who have been there and supported me through my struggles in life, and who chose to stay despite my flaws.