05/24/25

It’s' technically past midnight, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count lol. Today’s been the best day for me so far. I will admit it was still the first thing I thought of when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. It was 9AM and I didn’t go to sleep until 4. I’m definitely in better spirits. I think that book helped a lot. Also, just trying to refocus my train of thought to things that are actually progressive towards my mental health and growth. I finished the book so I could give it to Mikayla today. The last chapter was about death. I’ve had a few near death experiences and it just makes me feel that there has to be some reason why I’m here. I have a purpose to be fulfilled. I got a lot done around the house today. Cleaned most of my house. Made myself a bomb little lunch while I baked a cake for Des’ last day at Olive Garden. I’m proud of myself for going out with the girls and keeping my word about not saying anything to any of them. I’m trying to be better about keeping to myself. As Kacey said there’s beauty in the mystery. I pride myself on honesty and being an open book so it’s hard to find balance. Though, the daily writing has been helping me greatly because it’s like I’m talking to myself. Looking inward for the answers rather than running my mouth to hear what I more than likely already know to be true. My own validation and intuition should be the loudest in my mind. I’m also working on being a better listener. I realize that often I wait to talk, or find a moment to cut in about how I’ve experienced something similar. I want to say that I do it not out of selfishness, but trying to let them know that I can relate to what they’re saying because I’ve experienced XYZ. I stopped myself though and I’m proud of that. I was about to say, “…that happened to me once…”, but I stopped myself and instead let them know I understood what they meant with a follow up as to why based on the information given; but not in relation to myself, or my experiences. The last two days I started listening to music again too. I don’t know why it was hard everything kept reminding me of him. So I started with trap shit to just get me hype af. Flockaveli goes hard as fuck. Today I just found a playlist on Spotify that was a Mexican party playlist it was pretty fire it had me thinking about how I’d like to date someone who speaks spanish and loves to dance. Dancing at The Abbey and at goth prom had me forgetting that my heart was broken. I was going to do yard work but I’ve been trying to strike while the fire is hot. A though crossed my mind to head out to Fresno to develop my film. I called they weren’t closing until 7. I was warming up my car when I looked up how much it cost to just get it done at Walmart and ended up wasting hella time there. I was going to get some prints for the frames I have that I haven’t hung up yet, when I asked what the turn around time for the film was. They said more than 5 weeks vs 1 week at Horn Photo. Fuck that it was still 5 wt a 45 min estimated travel time so I busted a mission to Fresnalgas and forked over the hundo for the 5 rolls. I see it as in investment in my happiness and creative expression. Each roll has 36 exposures so I’ll be getting back 180 photos. My Duke will be on there and some cute shots from the tattoo convention last year. I was laughing on the phone with Kacey, dancing my life away to cumbias, and excited that I was making moves for myself. After Horn Photo I looked up the nearest thrift. It ended up being one that my mom an I had gone to the first time I had been seeing Z. The day we had lunch and went to see The Crow. I didn’t like the prices there, didn’t find much, and honestly ended up getting a little bit sad. I remembered the last time I’d gone thrifting was when he and I went to the one around the corner. It had me reflecting on sweet moments we had where he made me smile. I miss him. I wish I would have listened to all the ways he was telling me/showing me he cared about me more than the skewed well-meaning perspectives of others. I can only change what I do in the future. Keeping my business, my business and asking myself for answers, while acknowledging that I have no control over people’s thoughts or actions. I need to be direct and assert boundaries. That comes with confidence and acceptance of the fact that people may filter themselves out of my life. That was the part that scared me. I have to be okay with people leaving my life. It’s something that happens naturally sometimes even without provocation. My results all came back clear. I was so nervous. Erykah Badu had this amazing quote that really resonated with me about not asking for things but rather being grateful for what was already present. She talked about wanting to be the most high or all around best versions of herself in the roles she plays in life. It’s hard to stop asking for things but it’s part of trusting that all things are playing out as intended. Trusting in the universe to relinquish the feigned sense of control.

For my studies tomorrow I want to research methods of building my self-esteem, and breaking down my fears of rejection/abandonment.

Didn’t get a chance to write today so taking some time to write my thought before the day ends. Here at goth night waiting to get my cards read. Got all dolled up. I’m flattered I got hit on he called me bonita. I’m just not ready to get involved with anyone right now. I feel so used. I’m trying not to get down on myself because it doesn’t serve me and I’ve been getting better every day but I’m just sad. I feel so gullible. Like an idiot. They always say never let a man tell you they don’t like you twice. I’m almost done with my book. Today’s chapter was talking about how you have to treat wins and losses in the same regard. What may feel like a win in the moment can later turn out to be something that’s not good for you while something you may see as a loss can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I’m starting to acknowledge all of the ways I’ve been disrespecting myself over the years. Not acknowledging the work I’ve been needing to do. It’s like I was frozen. Not wanting to deal with any of the hardships I’ve faced. I’ve had a very rough couple of years. While some things were completely out of my control. There are many situations where I’ve put myself in the space for harm. I should want to change for myself not because of someone else. That’s that he didn’t even know any of the things I’d been to an extent dishonest about or leaving out because I was afraid he wouldn’t want to be with me. The person I want to be with loves all of me despite who I’ve been in the past. They’re not going to be unsure of wanting to be with me. I’m worthy of being loved and I deserve to be with someone who acknowledges my worth and the strength it takes to still have a good heart despite all of the things that have happened to me.

05/22/25

Still no word yet on the results of my testing. Prayed for myself and my loved ones last night. This experience has helped me grow in so many different ways. I feel as though I’m in a great transitional phase. Growing into the person I’ve always wanted to be and know I could become. I know it hasn’t been that long that I stopped drinking, but as I was typing my last entry I just couldn’t believe the person I was becoming. Obviously I really cared about him but to say that we really had very many things in common wouldn’t be true. When asked what I like about him, it’s mostly how he made me want to become a better version of myself. Years of drinking and not wanting to face or cope with my feelings I didn’t realize until I was typing it last night how careless I had been about other people’s feelings. Jose and Patrick aren’t exactly the greatest people in the world, but they didn’t deserve the way I just tossed them aside as though they were nothing. It’s like I was pushing people away out of fear that they’d do it to me first. I was on a dark path. I was slowly killing myself. Developing into a person I no longer recognized. Definitely not someone I was proud of. I wouldn’t have wanted to date me either. That’s that most people had no idea the degree to which I was inebriating myself and how often. Even when I was still seeing him I remember I started to grow very insecure about myself and one night I got so drunk I bit all my nails off and chipped my front tooth. I hadn’t been able to find work that summer and had blown through my savings. I was relying heavily on my credit card. My insecurities had me believing that he would rather have his ex there instead of me. For years I’ve been tearing myself down whether it be about my weight, my financial status, my education, etc. Now that I’ve been listening to audiobooks about rewiring my thinking process, I realize that I was conditioning my brain to shit on myself all the time, about all the ways that I wasn’t good enough. It was easier to black out and not think about it. I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to change or that I was going to fail so why bother even trying. I had a true failure mentality. I was lying about who I was. My lunch is ending.

To be continued….

I’m getting better day by day. Trying to grow from all of this. I need to put myself first in ways that I haven’t in a very long time. I do for others and rob myself of peace and comfort. I resent myself and others in the end. I’m disappointed with myself and my immaturity. I need to focus on growing my communication skills. I can’t just shut down when things aren’t going my way. I can’t manipulate situations for my own personal gain. I feel guilty for letting other people warp my perception of how our relationship should be or should’ve been. I need to respect boundaries and be a better listener. In a lot of ways I’m waiting to talk. I need to make space for others. In any relationship I get in I need to learn how to communicate my fears, anxieties, and discomforts. Creating boundaries only pushes away what’s not meant for me. I can ask others for advice but I need to synthesize the advice with my lived experience and what I truly think is best for me. I trust my loved ones to give me good advice but ultimately that is derived from their lived experience. To say that he never cared about me is unfair to myself. Also, it goes against what his actions were saying. I knew things were never going to be easy between us. They started in a hard place. I understood

Got a call from Kacey and stopped writing.

Today was better than it’s been. I needed a nature reset, and a rewiring of my thought process. Yesterday I made an appointment to go to Planned Parenthood to get tested. Since the last time we ended things a friend told me to get tested. She didn’t give any other information as to why but I just assumed because he an his ex had a toxic relationship. I just thought they had both been cheating on one another and more than likely either she or he had contracted something. There are a lot of STIs that can be treated so I’m hoping if he had something at some point it was something that was treated. I didn’t want to show my face so soon at the Planned Parenthood because the last time I’d been there was when they let me know I was embarazada de su hijo. I’m sure they’ve seen it all there but I was embarrassed to be going again two months later because of different guy potentially giving me something. When I got the abortion I also had a pap smear that came back negative for anything so if I do have anything; I will know he is responsible. He’s the only person I’ve been with since August of last year. I also need to go get a check up at the doctor to make sure I’m healthy. I’m tired of people giving me shit about my weight. I’d like to be able to confidently say that I’m healthy. I’ve been moving through life with fear and anxiety. I’m beginning the work of facing my fears. Part of that is writing this journal entry. I’ve been afraid of people finding out my truths. The truth will set me free. If I’m open about who I am and the things I’ve endured I don’t have to worry about other people sharing my secrets. I have to live in my truth. Stand by my decisions and own that they were the best thing for me.

Today Jon V and I went up to Sky Line and afterwards I took him to where Patrick had taken me the day we had our rendezvous. We actually happened upon it randomly. Jon V was like go across and see what’s over there. I was like omg I remember this spot it’s a local’s only spot where this guy brought me. Lmfao I was looking down at the spot where Patrick and I had been all laid out in the sun. I was like wow so this is where I was all boo’d up with that worthless guy. Not gonna lie though it was a beautiful day that day. Even though he wasn’t the person I wanted to be with it was an experience I always wanted to have. I wouldn’t call it a fantasy necessarily I’ve always wanted to get freaky out in nature obviously you’d want it to be with someone you actually like - but it felt good to be wanted. The weather was perfect, and the landscape was beautiful. The only complaint I really had was the company. How can you be mad or sad about life when you’re out in the sun getting your titties sucked all the bomb? I guess it’s crazy the way things work out. I was out there with Patrick - sad to not be with worthless ass Jose, only to dig myself into a deeper hole. Two weeks after that I’d gone to get tested things. Things never sorted themselves out with Jose but I can’t say that I really tried either he was someone I was okay with letting go. Patrick proved himself to be a worthless cokehead piece of shit too. I didn’t feel that I could really confide in anyone about what I was going through because I never thought I’d find myself in that situation. Lmao omg I just remembered that I did get back with Jose one last time after Patrick before the abortion hahahaha. I remember Kacey asking me, “Did you tell him you were embarazada de su hijo?” and me laughing sarcastically saying, “Oh, I forgot to tell him”. That was the last time I saw Jose romantically lmao I did see him later at Stacked one night when I was out with the girls. I just acted like I didn’t. He was a repeat offender cartoon character ass motherfucker wearing the same stupid ass Ralph Lauren jacket he always did. Damn, lmao I’m such a hater sometimes but fuck it I’m honest. I had the abortion early August, a few days before we were supposed to go on the shop’s trip to Tahoe. I drove to Fresno took the first pill and went to work later at the shop. I felt so alone. The only person I’d told was trying to convince me to keep it. I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time. The night before I was gonna go I looked up Patrick on Instagram and thought to reach out to him but when I watched his story he was making out with a girl he had apparently been with for years??? So I blocked him again and decided to just go alone. I remember I had to leave the shop early because I started to have an allergic reaction to the pill. The next day after I took the second pill was awful. Maybe because I’m lucky that I don’t deal with cramps usually but there were moments where I literally thought I was going to die. My mom wanted to go to Red Lobster in Visalia and I remember when I when to the bathroom I thought I was going to bleed out I had never seen so much blood come out of me. I can’t remember the dates exactly but I remember it was sometime mid week and the trip was the upcoming weekend of the first week of August. I never cried about the abortion. I don’t feel any regrets about it to be honest and I didn’t feel guilty, I just felt like I was doing the best thing for myself. The same day I took the second pill was the day he got into his accident.

When we found out he was in the hospital I had already been drinking so I remember I skateboarded over there. I wasn’t able to see him but I remember crying on the way back home. I was shocked at my tears to be honest. I felt like I had a crush on him and never acted on it because of the awful things my friends said about him. I felt that now I’d never get the opportunity to tell him. I remember being scared to see him the next day, afraid that he was going to be all mangled or disfigured. He was being released and going home. We all went over and little by little everyone left, and I stayed. I was so grateful for him to be alive, for me to be able to tell him how I felt. We ended up kissing that day, I know he was trying to go further. I lied and said I was on my period since I was still bleeding from the abortion. I thought it would only last a week. I didn’t know that I would continue to bleed for a while. There was a day when his sister came to visit him and we were scared it was Joseph. That’s when I gave him an out. I asked him if he thought we were making a mistake. He reassured me that everything was going to work out. The last time I saw him we couldn’t keep our hands off one another, I had to go to work but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just be with him all day, but I needed the money. We made plans for the weekend. That was the weekend he ended things with me over Snapchat. I was devastated. I had never cared so deeply for a man. I was trying to help heal him, but he was healing me too. I’d always thought the worst of men. Their capacity to hurt people. The ways I had been strung along, or treated; none of it mattered because fate brought me to this person who was in many ways just as broken and lost as I was. He made me want to be a better version of myself. The path that I had been on for a long time of just downward spiral. I couldn’t recognize who I was becoming. Depression had warped me into this loathsome person who I never thought I would be or could be. I was unhappy with my living situation, my jobs, my finances, and my path of self-destruction I had been riding for a long time.

To be continued….I’m sleepy.