Woke up earlier than expected. Still no memorable dreams. I keep asking my ancestors to meet me in my dreams for guidance. I haven’t seen results, or none that I can recollect. My studies today were asking me to be honest about the things I’m lying to others or to myself about. The main thing that sticks out is that I’m healing from my heartbreak. I am and every day has been easier but today was rough. It’s shocking that it’s already been a month since we’ve talked. That was a very hard conversation for me. I’m still not proud of myself for how it ended. Me telling him to leave me alone. I didn’t mean that, I was hurt and felt rejected. I had been completely vulnerable and really put my heart out there. It was either too late, an excuse, or I’d hurt someone so deeply with rejection that they wanted me to feel as low as they did after discovering that I’d blocked them. Divine timing is crazy. I’m trying to listen to my intuition and let go of control, it’s just hard to configure everything. I believe everything happens for a reason. I don’t have to long for things because what is mine is already destined for me. Trying to push myself to let go. I’m just torn. In my writing I talked about how I came across this video that moved me because it was describing love today as being so confusing. Riddled with games and dishonesty. I’m not sure if it was just the times but the older man speaking probably grew up around WW2 times. They didn’t know if they were going to be sent off to war, or bombed. If they loved someone they told them, if they missed someone - they reached out to them. They didn’t waste time waiting around or wondering how people felt. They wore their hearts on their sleeves. I keep teetering on whether or not I should go this Sunday because he may or may not be there. If he does go I guess I wouldn’t even know what to say or do. I keep hearing MF Doom say, “Follow your heart”. My heart says go and just see what happens. I’m also feeling like I should stay away and let myself heal. Let myself just get over him. Do the opposite of what might be expected of me. I know that’s just me listening to others. I had such a good day at work. Laughing and getting along with everyone. I was shocked to see his sister at first I was like where do I know this girl from. I think we were both equally shocked. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what the universe means by this. Is this a message to go? I don’t even want to hope that he’ll be there. I feel like I’ll be disappointed if he’s not, but I’ll let myself down if he goes and I play it cool. If I do go I just can’t have any expectations other than to share space with my friends and share some laughter. I’ll just have to see how the day plays out. I’m not sure how long my Dad will be in town. If Jon V will want to go on the paddle boat. I’m going to follow my heart and trust my intuition. Be grounded in the present. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed I’m not going to worry about future problems. I just have to continue to work towards my progress.

Well, tomorrow marks one month since I’ve spoken to him. More than a month since I’ve seen him. I miss him terribly. I honestly didn’t think things would end so quickly between us. I’m relinquishing control or acknowledging that I have no control over what happens in this life. What’s meant for me is already mine. If love is real between two people nothing can keep them apart: people, time, or fears. I’ve changed so much in such a short amount of time. I’m proud of my growth. I’m proud of my strength. It’s been so hard to stay away, or not try to reach out. Not spy on his Instagram. I don’t think I’ve looked at it since before the LA trip. Basking in gratitude. I’m grateful for the nature that’s been healing me. I love putting my head in the water and letting my hair dance in the water currents. I ask mother nature to transmute in the ways that only she knows how. Turn my pain into self-love the way she turns death to flowers. Ground me. Help me be present. Look for the answers in myself, and in nature. The river doesn’t stop because a tree fell, it goes around it or pushes through it. I’ve been showing up for myself in ways that demonstrate the work I’ve been doing is working. I’m loving the person I’m blooming into. I’ve missed my Dad. I’m thankful to be given the opportunity to show up for one another again. Thankful to the boys and the grace they’ve given me. I love the laughs we’ve shared. Blessed to have such amazing people surrounding me. I laughed so hard today at work. I love girl’s night. I’m surrounded by love in so many ways. I’m not without. I’m so blessed. I can’t stop thinking about the book I read, When I Sing, Mountains Dance. I’m so sad that it’s over. It’s so beautifully written. I keep reflecting on the last chapters, and the different perspectives. So much time can pass, and people can move through so many changes in their lives, but if the red strings are still pulling at the heart; two souls who are destined to be will find their way back to one another. In The Crow, Sarah says, “…if love proves real, two people who are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart…” I’ve just found acceptance in letting go because divine timing is never wrong. How else can you explain us making it to Yosemite the day before they start to require reservations? Proud of myself for the re-parenting I’ve been doing for myself and getting myself the sweater I wanted from years ago. Healing my old wounds and loving myself in ways that other people just may not be capable of, and that’s okay. Finding peace in acceptance. Accepting who people are. Moving in ways that demonstrate self-love. Finding peace in not getting what I want in the timing that I want, because it could mean more to me later on. The sweater means more to me now, because it signifies the work I’m doing, and how I don’t need to rely on others for the love I want. The love I seek lives in me.