06/10/25

Maybe I have the post vacation blues like Livy calls it. It’s all fun and games, then back to reality. I’m thankful to be busy and working so much. I fell off from my housework. Trying to catch up and get my house to where I like it. Yard work is next. My lawn looks like shit. I need to start watering everything too. I don’t want the plants to die. My indoor plants need some love too. I’ve been revisiting old Kanye albums too. Graduation and My Dark Twisted Fantasy. They’ve always helped me boost my confidence in times of depression. I’m not depressed right now though. I’m just heartbroken. I’ve been praying to stop caring about him. I’ve been doing the work and I feel a lot better about myself, my confidence, and my mental-health. I know the changes I need to make. I acknowledge the growth I’ve been making, and have gratitude for the enlightenment I’ve gained through this period of sadness. It’s weird I’m in a paradox of feeling like I like staying busy with work to keep my mind off things, yet I never have time for my own work. Also slightly reclusive. I don’t want to hang out with people I want to read, write, and work on my business. I’m at a point where I’d rather write and essentially talk to myself, or rather visualize my thoughts than talk to my friends. Visiting the boys makes me want to move back to the bay. I came back supposedly to be with family but I don’t really even do that. I can always visit whoever I do want to see. It’s nice having my own place but I feel like I want to get out of here. I wonder what’s here for me. I want to leave. Make new friends. It’d be different. I’d be in a better headspace, have my own room, and actually have a license. I’d even be down to get my own place out there. I wonder if I could find something that’s about the same price range. Or if the boys would even have me there again lol. Or even potentially with Livy. Who knows things may just level out here too. I’m just trying to run away I think. Ready for a new beginning. I think it’s different when you move somewhere and don’t have friends it’s because you haven’t established yourself. Here I guess I just feel alone because the friends I have are usually too busy or don’t make time. I just have to keep busy too or make new friends. Either way I can’t move anywhere until January. I’m just exploring my options. I’m getting better though. Day by day it’s going to get easier for me. It’s hard when you imagined yourself with the person you’ve cared about so deeply for for long. I have to accept the reality of what it really was, and how it’s over now. I think that’s why I’ve been fantasizing about moving away that’d make it permanent. There’s still a small part of me that has hope that he’ll reach out to me.

06/09/25

So tired right now. Woke up at 7, packed up all my shit, grabbed coffee, gas, and zip ties to put together my car lol. Made it home with 20 min to get ready for work. I hope my sleep schedule is fixed now though. I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight. I feel like I’m living on fumes and coffee. Caught up with Chris, Livy, and Robert on the way back down. I was tripping out on Robert’s friend. I see a lot of similarities between us. We both got our DUI’s around the same time, she got a lawyer and hers was reduced to a Wet & Reckless. They told me she’s still drinking and driving and now she’s in this toxic relationship with this very controlling person. I admit I was having a hard time this weekend I think because I took a break from my reading, writing, and healing work. I had an awesome time over there. Lots of laughter and bonding. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by so many people who love me. I’m grateful to be able to have free time, a car, a license, and be bodily able to go and do the things I did, and saw. I just can’t help but miss him. It’s hard though because I see Robert’s friend’s situation and reflecting on the path she’s on in comparison to me it’s jarring. I need some time but I know things ended for the best. If we hadn’t ended I would’ve never started this healing journey, I wouldn’t have reached out to the boys, and I wouldn’t have gone this weekend. Even having to take accountability and suffering the full consequences of my DUI - I’m grateful for all of it now. Not that she needs my pity, but I feel bad for her that she’s on this reckless path. It propels me to continue what I’m doing, and also be more appreciative for things not working out. Everything happens for a reason. I needed to do this healing work. Seeing what she’s done, and the ways she’s acting out of desperation and fear of being alone, highlights the way I was acting. I’m thankful to have willpower that I didn’t have. I still had an amazing time and didn’t feel the need to drink, or even tempted to. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.

06/06/25

I’m better than I was a few weeks ago. I think about him less, and less. I still think about him though. I miss him. His smile, eyes, his touch. Wrapping my arms around him. Kissing him. I’ve been doing this work every day and I am better. I feel more like myself every day. More confident, more loving with myself, soft, and gentle with my heart. I know missing him is contrary to that progress. Wanting him means denying myself the things I know I deserve. I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them. I’m disappointed that there’s lingering hope in me for us. I wonder what he’s doing, and how he’s feeling. If he thinks about me the way I think of him. I had stopped praying for him, out of spite. Not just for him, but for the people I pray to. I’d prayed to my Tia Lupe and spoke to her about how I know it was hard for her walking through life alone, and how I didn’t want that for myself. I told my Grandpa to acknowledge the loneliness he felt after he’d lost my Grandma and Carmelita; how he felt alone in the house before I’d moved in. I wanted them to acknowledge the loneliness I’d been walking with. To help me because I’d never cared about anyone like this. I thought I was being gifted a blessing, what I’d been asking for. I guess I was being foolish. I was so thankful to have him back. When 222 appeared I thought it was fate. I thought it was a message of divine approval. I know I have to trust that things are working out as they are meant to. I’m still trying to find meaning in this. I think it happened so I can go through this self-healing journey to love myself. I have nothing to lose from loving myself. I’m hurt that I felt that I was getting what I thought I wanted only to have it ripped away. Like I was being teased, taunted almost. Maybe they were tired of me asking for something that was never real. I guess I got what I wanted. It just wasn’t what I thought it’d be. They just wanted me to see that for myself. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me. I didn’t believe anyone when they told me about Isaac either. I need to learn my lesson. I’m disappointed in myself for having faith in him. It was hard to believe them when I saw and felt such light in him, around him. I have to light my own path. Every living creature on this earth dies alone. I have to find comfort in my solitude. I can’t have expectations for others. Life will get better for me if I let it. I have to remind myself that this chapter is closed. I need to move on. Hope that there’s better out there for me. I need to be better, the best version of myself. I wasn’t the best version of myself. I’m pushing forward. I’ll get there. I haven’t stopped praying to them. I pray for myself, my family, my friends, and loved ones. I pray for him too. Not for him to be with me anymore, but for him to try to find himself, the way I’m trying to find my authentic self. Anything’s possible.

Looking forward to this weekend. It’s going to be good for me to get my mind off things. Laugh with people who I love. Catch up and see, experience new things. Can’t wait for pride. Seeing Livy. I’ve been praying to Dona Julia for her too. Life is good. I’m very blessed. Trying to focus on gratitude for the love I do have, and have experienced in this life. No one has everything in this world. I’m not without love that’s fersure. Sometimes I just wish it was more than just familial or platonic. My time will come. I’m happy I’ll get to be surrounded with love and acceptance this weekend. Excited to make new friends, and visit old ones.