I’m better than I was a few weeks ago. I think about him less, and less. I still think about him though. I miss him. His smile, eyes, his touch. Wrapping my arms around him. Kissing him. I’ve been doing this work every day and I am better. I feel more like myself every day. More confident, more loving with myself, soft, and gentle with my heart. I know missing him is contrary to that progress. Wanting him means denying myself the things I know I deserve. I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them. I’m disappointed that there’s lingering hope in me for us. I wonder what he’s doing, and how he’s feeling. If he thinks about me the way I think of him. I had stopped praying for him, out of spite. Not just for him, but for the people I pray to. I’d prayed to my Tia Lupe and spoke to her about how I know it was hard for her walking through life alone, and how I didn’t want that for myself. I told my Grandpa to acknowledge the loneliness he felt after he’d lost my Grandma and Carmelita; how he felt alone in the house before I’d moved in. I wanted them to acknowledge the loneliness I’d been walking with. To help me because I’d never cared about anyone like this. I thought I was being gifted a blessing, what I’d been asking for. I guess I was being foolish. I was so thankful to have him back. When 222 appeared I thought it was fate. I thought it was a message of divine approval. I know I have to trust that things are working out as they are meant to. I’m still trying to find meaning in this. I think it happened so I can go through this self-healing journey to love myself. I have nothing to lose from loving myself. I’m hurt that I felt that I was getting what I thought I wanted only to have it ripped away. Like I was being teased, taunted almost. Maybe they were tired of me asking for something that was never real. I guess I got what I wanted. It just wasn’t what I thought it’d be. They just wanted me to see that for myself. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me. I didn’t believe anyone when they told me about Isaac either. I need to learn my lesson. I’m disappointed in myself for having faith in him. It was hard to believe them when I saw and felt such light in him, around him. I have to light my own path. Every living creature on this earth dies alone. I have to find comfort in my solitude. I can’t have expectations for others. Life will get better for me if I let it. I have to remind myself that this chapter is closed. I need to move on. Hope that there’s better out there for me. I need to be better, the best version of myself. I wasn’t the best version of myself. I’m pushing forward. I’ll get there. I haven’t stopped praying to them. I pray for myself, my family, my friends, and loved ones. I pray for him too. Not for him to be with me anymore, but for him to try to find himself, the way I’m trying to find my authentic self. Anything’s possible.
Looking forward to this weekend. It’s going to be good for me to get my mind off things. Laugh with people who I love. Catch up and see, experience new things. Can’t wait for pride. Seeing Livy. I’ve been praying to Dona Julia for her too. Life is good. I’m very blessed. Trying to focus on gratitude for the love I do have, and have experienced in this life. No one has everything in this world. I’m not without love that’s fersure. Sometimes I just wish it was more than just familial or platonic. My time will come. I’m happy I’ll get to be surrounded with love and acceptance this weekend. Excited to make new friends, and visit old ones.