I didn’t end up writing about my day yesterday. I think it’s because I had mixed emotions. The chapter I read in my book triggered my insecurities. It was about a man who had been sleeping with a woman when burglars came in and had them get down on their knees. In the craziness, the man ended up getting shot, and wound up in a coma. When he awoke he lost his eye, and walked with a limp. He told the woman he didn’t want to see her anymore. He associated her with what happened to him. He didn’t want to have to protect her from burglars. He didn’t think he could. She was a reminder of something terrible that happened to him, and the ways in which he was powerless to defend her, or himself. How the whole situation put him into a stupor of fear and that drove him to not want to feel anything. So he didn’t. He left the city and sought solace in the mountains. It was on an adventure when he met Mia. Someone he wasn’t necessarily attracted to physically, but just drawn towards. She had eyes that spoke to him, even when she didn’t. She didn’t ask him what had happened to him, she didn’t even really seek him out. He sought her out, he went to visit her. She made him feel again. Maybe he just associates me with a great disappointment in his life, the accident. Maybe he really did try to feel something with me, but I’m just a constant reminder of that moment, that time. I’m a reminder of the people who he feels he isn’t good enough for. He’s always comparing himself to them, seeking their approval. Maybe that’s all I was too; an attempt to seek their approval. Doing something they thought he should do. He was forcing himself to try to fit the mold. While also trying to feel better because he feels so depressed right now. Maybe he just wanted to feel something or at least try to since he feels nothing. In the book he sees Mia and it’s the first time he’s felt something in a long time, and that’s why he’s drawn to her. I also saw this video about how people who are sad or in a deep depression are in that state because they’re in a state of division in their own mind. They’re separating themselves from others, and maybe even themselves. They’re in a state of isolation. People who are in a state of division can’t love, because division is the opposite of love. It was hard to read that chapter, and hear the words in that video because to an extent I still have some part of me that had hope we’d come back together eventually. After I’ve grown and you’ve grown. I realized I have to let that go and accept that it may never happen. I’m wrapped up in things that disappoint you and make you feel bad about yourself. Nothing I could have done differently can change that. As much as it hurts, you’ll probably find someone else. Someone who makes you want to climb mountains just to share a day with them, share a cup of coffee. It’s just not me. You’re not in the headspace, and I’m not the one. It makes me cry. Grieve the fantasy that we were going to heal one another. It leaves the work to me. It hurts to imagine you putting effort to be with someone else. It triggers my feelings of unworthiness, rejection and wanting to be chosen. I keep thinking you’ll come back to me. I have to choose myself. I have to accept and want myself and it’s hard. It’s hard to face the things I’ve been repressing. It’s hard to face my fears. To face myself. Face my loneliness. Face the hardships I’ve endured, and forgive myself for my part in those hardships. I’m proud of myself for doing it every day even though it’s hard. Even though it hurts. I’m healing. I saw a video that said something about how they felt like they were broken, but they later realized they had only broken to let in the light. It really resonated with me because I know I’ve had so many times where I myself have felt very broken. I have to change my perspective. Lizzie told me it’s like I’m sad about a Carl’s Jr burger, but I don’t even know that somewhere out there there’s a Double-Double, animal-style, with chili’s waiting for me. I also finally finished Urban Cowboy. It made me cry. It was so beautiful to see John Travolta swallow his pride and apologize to Sissy because he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. If it’s meant to be it will be. I have to be okay with whatever is in store for me. I don’t know what the future holds, I know where I’ve been, and that I need to live in and appreciate the present. My heart is in the right place. I’m doing the work I’ve always needed to do. I’ll get to the place I want to be, because I have love in my heart. I have people who love me and I need to appreciate what I do have. Today’s chapter about LLuna also made me cry, but forgive myself. I know Duke knew I loved him. I need to let go of the guilt. When it’s your time it’s your time. I can’t do things differently I need to find peace in that he’s with my Grandpa and they live in my heart. I carry them with me always. We had a special bond and nothing can take that from me.

What an amazing day at work. I laughed so hard. I didn’t know I could laugh that hard anymore. Sometimes I think I’ve seen and heard it all, that nothing’s funny anymore. Only if I’m with my closest friends or family. It felt good. It was a deep hearty laugh. I had to stop myself since I was at work. I’ve been cracking myself up lately. Today with my co-workers we were just bullshitting and cracking jokes. I was laughing so hard about something one of them said that I asked, “Have you guys seen Pee and Keele?” I didn’t even realize what I said until like a min later. I was laughing at myself because I couldn’t believe I said it like that since it’s one of my favorite shows. What a great day. I wish I could work alongside them all the time, I know I wouldn’t appreciate them as much as I do if it was like that though. It feels good to be able to connect with people and be honest about who I am, who I’ve been, and who I’m in the process of becoming. Hearing their struggles, and the things they’ve passed through; shared experiences - traumas or wounds. Being able to confide in one another, laugh together, vent, and share space. I’m grateful and blessed. I haven’t felt this way at work or happy in the work place probably since the early days of working at Martha’s. Or what I consider the golden age of it when it was fun and laughter, the only stressful thing was our boss being a hater sometimes lol. Having fun while making money. The first Starbucks I worked at was a good time too. It was worth the 40 min drive because I knew I was in for some laughs. Maybe it’s the relief of releasing the things I’d been repressing for years. Doing the emotional labor of forgiving my parents, grieving who I wish they could’ve been for me; teaching myself the things I wish they’d taught me. Appreciating the things they did do. Sometimes I get so lost in the rage I forget they joy they’ve brought me too. It feels great to be in good standing with them. Being able to call them just to see how they’re doing. I feel lighter. The weight of shame, guilt, and remorse is slowly lifting from my heart. I remind myself every day of the things I deserve. I was nervous about my film prints, I’m so happy about the way things turned out. There’s some stunning shots in there. I love my Nikon Em, but I can definitely tell what was shot on the Canon T50. There’s something beautiful about the fact that my childhood photos were shot on it too. It’s been on this journey of life. I did accidentally turn in a roll that I hadn’t shot yet so they gave me store credit and I got to keep my negatives so I’ll pick them up on my way out to the bay on Saturday. It’s going to be my first pride event. I think Livy’s excited too since I’ll spend some time with her on Saturday. I’m not sure what has her down, but it feels good to know my friends feel comfortable turning to me to uplift them. It’s part of building a strong chosen family. I’m not going to get down on myself for forgetting how blessed I am, but sometimes when I’m sad I need to look around and see that I’m luckier than the average person to have to many amazing people in my life. People who I love and cherish, and who reciprocate that.