I didn’t end up writing about my day yesterday. I think it’s because I had mixed emotions. The chapter I read in my book triggered my insecurities. It was about a man who had been sleeping with a woman when burglars came in and had them get down on their knees. In the craziness, the man ended up getting shot, and wound up in a coma. When he awoke he lost his eye, and walked with a limp. He told the woman he didn’t want to see her anymore. He associated her with what happened to him. He didn’t want to have to protect her from burglars. He didn’t think he could. She was a reminder of something terrible that happened to him, and the ways in which he was powerless to defend her, or himself. How the whole situation put him into a stupor of fear and that drove him to not want to feel anything. So he didn’t. He left the city and sought solace in the mountains. It was on an adventure when he met Mia. Someone he wasn’t necessarily attracted to physically, but just drawn towards. She had eyes that spoke to him, even when she didn’t. She didn’t ask him what had happened to him, she didn’t even really seek him out. He sought her out, he went to visit her. She made him feel again. Maybe he just associates me with a great disappointment in his life, the accident. Maybe he really did try to feel something with me, but I’m just a constant reminder of that moment, that time. I’m a reminder of the people who he feels he isn’t good enough for. He’s always comparing himself to them, seeking their approval. Maybe that’s all I was too; an attempt to seek their approval. Doing something they thought he should do. He was forcing himself to try to fit the mold. While also trying to feel better because he feels so depressed right now. Maybe he just wanted to feel something or at least try to since he feels nothing. In the book he sees Mia and it’s the first time he’s felt something in a long time, and that’s why he’s drawn to her. I also saw this video about how people who are sad or in a deep depression are in that state because they’re in a state of division in their own mind. They’re separating themselves from others, and maybe even themselves. They’re in a state of isolation. People who are in a state of division can’t love, because division is the opposite of love. It was hard to read that chapter, and hear the words in that video because to an extent I still have some part of me that had hope we’d come back together eventually. After I’ve grown and you’ve grown. I realized I have to let that go and accept that it may never happen. I’m wrapped up in things that disappoint you and make you feel bad about yourself. Nothing I could have done differently can change that. As much as it hurts, you’ll probably find someone else. Someone who makes you want to climb mountains just to share a day with them, share a cup of coffee. It’s just not me. You’re not in the headspace, and I’m not the one. It makes me cry. Grieve the fantasy that we were going to heal one another. It leaves the work to me. It hurts to imagine you putting effort to be with someone else. It triggers my feelings of unworthiness, rejection and wanting to be chosen. I keep thinking you’ll come back to me. I have to choose myself. I have to accept and want myself and it’s hard. It’s hard to face the things I’ve been repressing. It’s hard to face my fears. To face myself. Face my loneliness. Face the hardships I’ve endured, and forgive myself for my part in those hardships. I’m proud of myself for doing it every day even though it’s hard. Even though it hurts. I’m healing. I saw a video that said something about how they felt like they were broken, but they later realized they had only broken to let in the light. It really resonated with me because I know I’ve had so many times where I myself have felt very broken. I have to change my perspective. Lizzie told me it’s like I’m sad about a Carl’s Jr burger, but I don’t even know that somewhere out there there’s a Double-Double, animal-style, with chili’s waiting for me. I also finally finished Urban Cowboy. It made me cry. It was so beautiful to see John Travolta swallow his pride and apologize to Sissy because he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. If it’s meant to be it will be. I have to be okay with whatever is in store for me. I don’t know what the future holds, I know where I’ve been, and that I need to live in and appreciate the present. My heart is in the right place. I’m doing the work I’ve always needed to do. I’ll get to the place I want to be, because I have love in my heart. I have people who love me and I need to appreciate what I do have. Today’s chapter about LLuna also made me cry, but forgive myself. I know Duke knew I loved him. I need to let go of the guilt. When it’s your time it’s your time. I can’t do things differently I need to find peace in that he’s with my Grandpa and they live in my heart. I carry them with me always. We had a special bond and nothing can take that from me.