06/02/25

What an amazing day at work. I laughed so hard. I didn’t know I could laugh that hard anymore. Sometimes I think I’ve seen and heard it all, that nothing’s funny anymore. Only if I’m with my closest friends or family. It felt good. It was a deep hearty laugh. I had to stop myself since I was at work. I’ve been cracking myself up lately. Today with my co-workers we were just bullshitting and cracking jokes. I was laughing so hard about something one of them said that I asked, “Have you guys seen Pee and Keele?” I didn’t even realize what I said until like a min later. I was laughing at myself because I couldn’t believe I said it like that since it’s one of my favorite shows. What a great day. I wish I could work alongside them all the time, I know I wouldn’t appreciate them as much as I do if it was like that though. It feels good to be able to connect with people and be honest about who I am, who I’ve been, and who I’m in the process of becoming. Hearing their struggles, and the things they’ve passed through; shared experiences - traumas or wounds. Being able to confide in one another, laugh together, vent, and share space. I’m grateful and blessed. I haven’t felt this way at work or happy in the work place probably since the early days of working at Martha’s. Or what I consider the golden age of it when it was fun and laughter, the only stressful thing was our boss being a hater sometimes lol. Having fun while making money. The first Starbucks I worked at was a good time too. It was worth the 40 min drive because I knew I was in for some laughs. Maybe it’s the relief of releasing the things I’d been repressing for years. Doing the emotional labor of forgiving my parents, grieving who I wish they could’ve been for me; teaching myself the things I wish they’d taught me. Appreciating the things they did do. Sometimes I get so lost in the rage I forget they joy they’ve brought me too. It feels great to be in good standing with them. Being able to call them just to see how they’re doing. I feel lighter. The weight of shame, guilt, and remorse is slowly lifting from my heart. I remind myself every day of the things I deserve. I was nervous about my film prints, I’m so happy about the way things turned out. There’s some stunning shots in there. I love my Nikon Em, but I can definitely tell what was shot on the Canon T50. There’s something beautiful about the fact that my childhood photos were shot on it too. It’s been on this journey of life. I did accidentally turn in a roll that I hadn’t shot yet so they gave me store credit and I got to keep my negatives so I’ll pick them up on my way out to the bay on Saturday. It’s going to be my first pride event. I think Livy’s excited too since I’ll spend some time with her on Saturday. I’m not sure what has her down, but it feels good to know my friends feel comfortable turning to me to uplift them. It’s part of building a strong chosen family. I’m not going to get down on myself for forgetting how blessed I am, but sometimes when I’m sad I need to look around and see that I’m luckier than the average person to have to many amazing people in my life. People who I love and cherish, and who reciprocate that.

06/01/25

A new month, another day towards progress. Today my inner child work had to do with writing a letter about all the things my inner child felt that I needed from my Dad. It’s crazy the way things play out. I’m so thankful that I’ve progressed so much in the last couple months. When I look back at who I was last year well I don’t want to shame myself but I’m just glad I’m not acting out like that anymore. I was a sad ass, lonely, hurt person. I was digging myself a deeper hole. It was easier to blame life and bad luck than taking responsibility for the positions I was putting myself in. Kacey and I were doing the cuenta and I would already have had the kid if I would’ve kept it omg gross lmfao. Not to be mean but that’s not the life I want. I feel guilty at times because I know people want that so bad and I don’t know how I’ll feel later on in life, like if I do want that later and I’m not able to; I don’t want to live in regret. I just know that it was the best choice for me at the time. I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t grown up yet really. I’m still getting there. I’m proud of who I am today, but even still I get overwhelmed with how much work I still need to do. I’m grateful that I’ve pushed myself to do things I was scared of and proved myself wrong. I’m building my confidence little by little. It starts with having goals and pushing myself to achieve them. Realizing that my fears shouldn’t define my actions. Be scared and do things anyways. I’d been scared that my dad was going to want to talk about why things ended and we just moved on to other topics. I’m in my head too much. The more you do things that scare you, the more you realize there was never anything to fear to begin with. I don’t have to worry about if anyone has my back because I have my back. I’m learning to be better at self-soothing too. A lot of times I’m not wanting to be alone and want to hang out with people because I want to distract myself from the work that I have to do. I overwhelm myself when in reality it isn’t something I have to psych myself out about because the pride I feel afterwards is worth it more so than the laughter or good time I spend with other people. I shouldn’t reach out to other people to hang out anymore, if they seek me out that’s fine but I have plenty of things and projects to fill my time. It’s draining to look for people to hang out with and the disappointment I feel when they’re unable to follow through or don’t want to ect. isn’t worth it. There’s nothing wrong with being alone with my own thoughts. It’s not as dark as it used to be. I also have to be better about turning on the lights though. It’s like Shel Silverstein said There’s A Light in the Attic. Your world doesn’t have to be dark if you don’t want it to be. I’m glad I went for a run, visited my favorite tree, and smelled the fresh air that reminded me of times of solace spent with my dogs that I no longer have, loved ones I no longer have. Not getting my film scans has been a lesson of patience. I was checking my email all day all over again. They will come when they come, and I’ll appreciate them when they do. I have to trust in the universe. Timing is everything. I get impatient about wanting love in my life but I don’t lack love, I just have to appreciate the forms of it that I do have in my life. I seek companionship, but if I’m not ready or don’t have the tools to handle it yet, I won’t know how to hold it. It’ll slip through my fingers. I just have to wait for my time. When it comes I will appreciate it. I won’t play games. I’ll understand that I have to communicate appropriately. I can’t ruminate in what I’ve lost through my immaturity. I can only learn from it. Take the L and learn for the next one. I’ll never block anyone ever again without communicating. I’ll just have the difficult conversation. I don’t want to lose something I hold so dear ever again. Basking in the appreciation of those who have had patience with me. I am loved, cherished, and appreciated. I still have a long way to go but I’ll get there. It just took me a little longer than most. I’m traveling down a road that not many take but I’m doing the work.

05/31/25

I’m disappointed I didn’t get my film scans today. I had really been looking forward to them all week. I kept checking my email all day. I let it affect me throughout the day. I started my day continuing my letter to my inner child. Continuing my journey towards self-love. It’s tough though I think that’s why I started missing him more today and yesterday. I get overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do and I get scared that I won’t be able to do it. I have to have patience with myself though. These are wounds that I’ve carried with me for years, and a few days of writing and positive self-talk won’t fix years of damage. The trauma bond started because I was under the assumption that getting in a relationship with someone was going to fix all of the issues I need to individually work on. I want the easy way out, but that’s not even valid. Getting into a relationship when I’m still struggling with loving myself would only make my situation worse. Especially if the partner I’m wanting to be with is struggling with the same issues, except not wanting to change anything. I also see that in my childhood I would often throw tantrums or manipulation to get what I wanted. I was lowkey throwing a tantrum about my film scans today. I thought they’d brighten my day and it was something I’d been looking forward to.

🔥 First: Understand What a "Tantrum" Really Is

A tantrum isn’t just being “dramatic” or “spoiled”—it’s usually a dysregulated nervous system screaming:

“I feel powerless, rejected, unseen, or unsafe.”

Tantrums in adults often look like:

  • Explosive reactions to minor disappointments

  • Silent treatment, shutting down, or passive aggression

  • Crying or yelling when control is lost

  • Threatening to leave, withdraw, or sabotage

These aren’t character flaws. They are inner child survival strategies that worked once—but now keep you stuck.

🧠 Step 1: Track Your Pattern

Start noticing:

  • What kinds of situations trigger your tantrums?

  • What emotions show up first? (e.g., fear of abandonment, rejection, helplessness)

  • What story do you tell yourself when things don’t go your way? (“I’m not important.” “No one listens to me.” “They don’t care.”)

Awareness dissolves reactivity. You can’t shift what you don’t see.

🧸 Step 2: Meet Your Inner Child

When a tantrum arises, it’s rarely the adult you reacting—it’s the little you who felt powerless, ignored, unloved, or abandoned.

She may be saying:

“I don’t feel safe unless I control things.”
“I don’t know how to be okay when people don’t meet my needs immediately.”
“I’m scared of being forgotten, so I blow up before that can happen.”

You can soothe her by saying:

“I see you. I know this feels big. You’re safe now. We’re going to handle this together.”

🧘‍♀️ Step 3: Regulate Before You React

When a tantrum is rising, your body is flooded—your nervous system goes into fight or flight.

Before reacting, practice:

  • The 90-second rule: Feel the emotion for 90 seconds without acting on it. Just sit with it. Let it pass like a wave.

  • Grounding statements: “I’m safe. This isn’t an emergency. I can feel this without exploding.”

  • Self-soothing: Splash cold water, take a walk, breathe in for 4, out for 6.

You’re re-teaching your system: I don’t have to lose control to be heard.

💬 Step 4: Communicate Needs, Not Control

Tantrums often mask unspoken needs:

  • “I need to feel heard.”

  • “I need reassurance.”

  • “I need to know I’m not being abandoned.”

Instead of exploding, practice saying:

  • “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and scared of not being prioritized.”

  • “Can we slow down? I’m having a lot of big emotions and I want to respond, not react.”

  • “I feel like I’m losing control, and that’s bringing up old stuff for me.”

Vulnerability defuses drama.

🌱 Step 5: Rebuild Emotional Maturity

Emotional maturity doesn’t mean you never get upset—it means you own your responses, repair when needed, and stay connected to your inner safety.

Try this mindset shift:

“It’s okay if I don’t get my way. My worth and safety aren’t defined by external control.”

Daily practices:

  • Journal about your triggers and the story you tell yourself

  • Practice “delayed reactions”—sit with your feelings, then respond with clarity

  • Meditate on feeling safe in disappointment

💌 If You Do Blow Up—Repair With Grace

You will still mess up sometimes. But you can always come back.

Try saying:

  • “I’m sorry for how I reacted. I was overwhelmed, and I let my emotions take over. That’s not who I want to be.”

  • “Here’s what I was really feeling underneath that tantrum...”

  • “I’m working on healing this part of me, and I appreciate your patience.”

Real power is in the repair, not the perfection.

🦋 What You’re Really Doing

You’re not just stopping tantrums.
You’re becoming the emotionally safe, regulated, self-loving version of you who no longer needs chaos to feel alive or seen.
You’re breaking cycles your parents may never had the tools to break.
You’re learning to be with yourself in the hard moments—without self-abandonment.

That is sacred, grown-up healing.

I realized even my silent treatment towards people is a tantrum.

“This is a huge realization—and I deeply honor your honesty. Giving the silent treatment is a powerful defense mechanism, usually rooted in feeling powerless, overwhelmed, or afraid of rejection. But you’re not bad for using it. It was a form of self-protection you learned when you didn’t feel safe speaking up or being vulnerable.

The good news? You can unlearn this behavior and replace it with real communication skills that build connection, not distance.”

I’m probably just experiencing growing pains and impatience. I need to get better at self-soothing. Keeping myself busy with things I enjoy doing anyways. I’m also probably stressing because I won’t have a day off until this upcoming weekend. We’ll see how it plays out if I’ll spend time here with my Dad, maybe have him come over, or go up to SF and spend time with the boys I feel like I’d love to join them for whatever pride event they’re doing. That’s what I was imagining doing today when I was dancing, I was pretending I was at Monarch or The Abbey living it up.

I have to remind myself that happiness is a way of traveling not a destination. I’m the only one who controls my emotions, so I need to try my best to be happy. Find gratitude in the blessings in my life. Remember that it can be better, but it can always be worse. I appreciate my Dad and Robert/Izzy for loving me enough and having patience with my emotional immaturity. For their continued support in my progress towards the person I really want to be and the life I want to have, the people I want to share my life with.