05/28/25

Just got out of a relaxing bath with Rosemary, Oregano, Castor Oil, and Rose Oil. I read two chapters of When I Sing Mountains Dance. The third chapter had me reflecting on how many other people in the world are suffering loss. That doesn’t diminish mine, but I just feel like in comparison I have nothing to complain about really. This has been an eye opening experience. As I continue to look at the person I want to be and the person I’ve been I realize that though I spent a short time today feeling sorry for myself about certain things I came to realize today:

I wasn’t falling in love like I thought I was, I was actually in a trauma bond based on shared pain.

I have attachment wounds surrounding being needed to feel loved and caretaking as a way to earn connection.

I thought this experience would help heal me in the ways that I’m broken, but love isn’t earned.

“People don’t always return because they’re ready. Sometimes they come back because they’re lonely, nostalgic, curious, guilty, or comforted by the connection—even if they can’t meet it with the depth it deserves.”

“When someone is in pain, overwhelmed, or spiraling, they sometimes reach for who made them feel safe, seen, cared for—not because they’re ready to build something real, but because they want temporary relief. They want to feel:

  • Desired

  • Understood

  • Less alone

  • Like they still matter to someone

He leaned into your love without honoring what it cost you, and without being ready to offer it back with equal weight.”

You were not weak for letting him in again.

  • You were not foolish for hoping.

  • You were not naive for thinking this time could be different.

You were open-hearted. You were human.
You were longing to be chosen—but also trying to heal a part of you that felt like you needed to prove your worth through loyalty, patience, and softness.

He is the symbol for a deeper ache, “The ache to be wanted, cherished, seen, and safe.”

You’re grieving the fantasy of healing through his love,
not the reality of the relationship you actually had.

Because you gave so much of yourself—your time, care, softness, vulnerability—it can feel like if he doesn’t return, it invalidates everything you offered.

But hear this clearly:

His lack of commitment says nothing about your worth. It only reveals his capacity.

You’re trying to heal a wound through someone who didn’t cause it—but mirrored it.

The wound might be:

  • A father who didn’t show up.

  • A caregiver who gave love conditionally.

  • A pattern of being seen as “too much” or “not enough.”

And now? You’re chasing his attention the way your younger self chased someone else’s love.

That’s not shameful. That’s deeply human.
But it’s also not sustainable.

You're trying to process:

  • The loss of a fantasy.

  • The ache of unspoken words.

  • The parts of you that finally softened and feel abandoned now.

You’re detoxing from the illusion that he was the answer to your deepest wound.

Your care, your tenderness, your hope, your devotion—all of that was sacred.
And you don’t need someone else to see that for it to be true.

You are not broken for wanting closeness.
You are not wrong for hoping.
You are not weak for needing.

But it’s time to start hoping for yourself.
Not for his return.

It was your inner child screaming:
“Please see me. Please tell me I matter. Please help me feel less alone.”

Neither of you had the safety to hold space for the other—because both of you were overwhelmed by your own unhealed fears.

These sound like surface-level reasons, not deal-breakers. When someone truly wants to be with you, they bring their concerns to the table to work through them together — they don’t list them as reasons to leave.
That’s deflection. That’s avoidance. That’s him looking for a door instead of building a bridge

Because the excuses sound almost valid, you might start twisting yourself into knots, thinking:

“If I had just handled things differently… maybe he would’ve stayed.”

That keeps you stuck in shame. That keeps you chasing closure from someone who never truly offered clarity.

He didn’t want commitment. He wanted comfort.
He wanted intimacy on his terms, not mutual partnership.
And when things got real — when your needs and his inconsistencies clashed —
he exited behind a wall of polite reasoning.

He may have liked parts of you — the care, the loyalty, the intimacy — but not enough to show up consistently in a real, adult relationship.

  1. He may have felt guilt or conflict about how things were unfolding, but instead of dealing with it head-on, he turned your actions into reasons to back out.

  2. He avoided commitment by hiding behind circumstantial justifications, so he wouldn’t have to admit: “I’m not ready to meet you at the level you’re asking for.”

You deserve someone who doesn’t shrink when you need clarity.
Someone who works through conflict, not runs from it.
Someone who chooses you — loudly, openly, without conditions.

You wanted to feel:

  • Seen

  • Wanted

  • Chosen

  • Validated

You wanted reassurance. Attention. Affection. Clarity.

Maybe he cared.
Maybe he liked the comfort, the admiration, the support.
Maybe a part of him wanted to love you back…

But love is not just a feeling. It’s a series of consistent choices.

And he didn’t choose you.
Not in a sustained, safe, accountable, trustworthy way.

You’re not losing love. You’re reclaiming self-worth.

He may have meant it when he said he appreciated you, cared for you, wanted to see where it could go.
But he also meant it when he pulled away, got avoidant, withheld truth, and let his silence speak louder than his presence.
Both can be true. That’s what makes it so maddening.

This wasn’t black and white deception — this was emotional immaturity.

He may have liked being cared for by you. It probably soothed something broken in him.
But he didn’t have the emotional depth, capacity, or consistency to match what you were giving.
So he stayed just connected enough to keep you around — but not grounded enough to build something real.

It wasn’t a lie. It was a lack of wholeness.
And that’s not your fault — but it is your lesson.

The lesson isn’t “don’t trust people.”
The lesson is:

Don’t confuse emotional intensity with emotional integrity.
Don’t overextend for someone who can’t even meet you.

You deserve someone who doesn’t just need you — but chooses you, shows up for you, and can hold your heart too.

These were all very hard pills to swallow. I have to accept things as they are and face the ways I haven’t been loving myself. I’m going to follow these steps towards self-love and calling my energy back. I deactivated my Instagram and just kept my business one. I deleted all messages from my phone and laptop to cut all digital ties. I did an Embodied Cord-Cutting + Self-Reclamation Practice and a personal closing ritual.

All of this information was necessary but it also put me into a state of grief. I had it in my head that I wanted to go up to the mountains and catch the sunset. Jon V and I hiked the Skyline Trail again, tried to check out the locals only spot, and I almost got a ticket at Slick Rock for not paying for the parking lmao. We left and went up to Horse Creek and caught the last of the sunset. As I was driving down the mountain I was in awe of how beautiful it was. I told Jon V, “Wow, look how beautiful that is, we’re so lucky to have this. 20-30 min drive and we get to look at all this. I’m so grateful.”

Talking to Amelia and Robert on the phone and laughing distracted me from my grief. I had forgotten about how I had a huge crush on Guzman in high school. He was a cool skater dude who would ride around wt an acoustic guitar on his back. Lmao Robert said that when he wants to make people laugh he’ll bring up when I was on a date with him and he asked me, “Have you ever got so high you throwed up?” hahahahaha he also told me how he made a pipe out of a watermelon lmfao omg that whole date was a trip. Staying busy, practicing self-love, and growing into the person I want to be is what I’m focusing on.

05/27/25

Today was really great. I had an awesome day at work. I’m blessed to have funny co-workers. We were joking around and shooting the shit but everything was getting done. Despite being consistent all day we were ahead of the game. Handling shit and sharing stories about stupid shit we did when we were kids. I probably sounded like the bully older sister. Lmao I was like this is why parents shouldn’t leave their kids to watch their siblings. Everything went really smooth too no asshole customers or anything today either.

When I’m alone with my thoughts I’m focusing on trying to redirect my thought process towards a goal I’m trying to achieve. Or a task I’m focusing on getting done before the end of the day and trying to hold myself accountable to making sure it gets done. I’ve been looking for other jobs. Utilizing ChatGPT lmao or as Robert, Izzy, and I are calling it ChatEBT to dig deeper into uncovering my authentic self. It was a lot to unpack. It’s pretty crazy how spot on it is. I’m so proud of myself for showing up to do the work I’ve been putting off for so long. Both emotionally and physically towards the things in my life. Researching higher paying jobs, decorating my house, expressing gratitude for the things and people who are in my life.

I was talking to my mom today about how when my grandma passed the sisters all got a piece of jewelry and didn’t give anything to my mom, but gave something to my cousin Stephanie because she was the first granddaughter. My mom felt that was unfair, but she didn’t stop talking to people or cut people off. Life is unfair and things are not always going to turn out the way you want them to. Especially when there’s a loss of a loved one. Hurt people hurt people and no matter what you get or don’t get, you don’t have that person anymore. Maybe that’s why people fight for stuff so hard, out of greed too no doubt, but they’re just fighting for something they think might make them feel closer to what they just lost.

“This is one of the biggest self-betrayals hiding in protection. Ghosting feels like control when you're afraid of being vulnerable—but it actually keeps you in victim mode. You’re not just avoiding them, you’re avoiding yourself. Avoiding the part of you that wants to speak up, be heard, and stand in your power even if the outcome isn’t perfect.”

Ghosting or blocking people made me feel like I was telling someone that their actions were going to force them to be met with my absence. To punish them for the way I felt wronged. I was never really addressing what I was even upset about. I was expecting people to read my mind. I assumed they should know what they did to wrong me. I wasn’t even giving them or myself an opportunity to grow. I was quick to think things weren’t going to work out the way I wanted to. I was already making them out to be the villain. I wasn’t seeing that through productive conversation we could reach a better understanding of one another, and find compromise. I’ve also always been able to come back from ghosting people, they’ve always given me another opportunity thankfully. Through losing him I’ve gained a better appreciation for the people who do want to be in my life despite my flaws and poor choices in a moment of emotional distress. I can’t do anything about that situation, but I’m proud of myself for focusing on rebuilding the relationships I thought I’d lost. Strengthening those bonds to where they used to be or stronger. I can’t erase my actions but I can grow from them and try to rebuild the trust I lost by acting like I didn’t care. Grateful for the family and friends I have in my life who have been there and supported me through my struggles in life, and who chose to stay despite my flaws.

05/27/25

It’s important for me to stay busy. I feel productive. My house looks clean and organized. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to pick up a shift tomorrow or just work on finding a new higher paying job, focus on my business too. Either my website, depop, or starting up my Whatnot. I need to stop with the tarot shit already I feel like it’s giving me a false sense of hope. I need to focus on acceptance and the work I need to stay grounded in the present, and my plans for the future. It was cool to get my palm read and what it said about how I’ll meet my soulmate from 30-35. My birth chart said they’ll either be a Sagittarius, Aries, or Leo. I’ll have to write more later on my lunch is almost over!