05/24/25

It’s' technically past midnight, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count lol. Today’s been the best day for me so far. I will admit it was still the first thing I thought of when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. It was 9AM and I didn’t go to sleep until 4. I’m definitely in better spirits. I think that book helped a lot. Also, just trying to refocus my train of thought to things that are actually progressive towards my mental health and growth. I finished the book so I could give it to Mikayla today. The last chapter was about death. I’ve had a few near death experiences and it just makes me feel that there has to be some reason why I’m here. I have a purpose to be fulfilled. I got a lot done around the house today. Cleaned most of my house. Made myself a bomb little lunch while I baked a cake for Des’ last day at Olive Garden. I’m proud of myself for going out with the girls and keeping my word about not saying anything to any of them. I’m trying to be better about keeping to myself. As Kacey said there’s beauty in the mystery. I pride myself on honesty and being an open book so it’s hard to find balance. Though, the daily writing has been helping me greatly because it’s like I’m talking to myself. Looking inward for the answers rather than running my mouth to hear what I more than likely already know to be true. My own validation and intuition should be the loudest in my mind. I’m also working on being a better listener. I realize that often I wait to talk, or find a moment to cut in about how I’ve experienced something similar. I want to say that I do it not out of selfishness, but trying to let them know that I can relate to what they’re saying because I’ve experienced XYZ. I stopped myself though and I’m proud of that. I was about to say, “…that happened to me once…”, but I stopped myself and instead let them know I understood what they meant with a follow up as to why based on the information given; but not in relation to myself, or my experiences. The last two days I started listening to music again too. I don’t know why it was hard everything kept reminding me of him. So I started with trap shit to just get me hype af. Flockaveli goes hard as fuck. Today I just found a playlist on Spotify that was a Mexican party playlist it was pretty fire it had me thinking about how I’d like to date someone who speaks spanish and loves to dance. Dancing at The Abbey and at goth prom had me forgetting that my heart was broken. I was going to do yard work but I’ve been trying to strike while the fire is hot. A though crossed my mind to head out to Fresno to develop my film. I called they weren’t closing until 7. I was warming up my car when I looked up how much it cost to just get it done at Walmart and ended up wasting hella time there. I was going to get some prints for the frames I have that I haven’t hung up yet, when I asked what the turn around time for the film was. They said more than 5 weeks vs 1 week at Horn Photo. Fuck that it was still 5 wt a 45 min estimated travel time so I busted a mission to Fresnalgas and forked over the hundo for the 5 rolls. I see it as in investment in my happiness and creative expression. Each roll has 36 exposures so I’ll be getting back 180 photos. My Duke will be on there and some cute shots from the tattoo convention last year. I was laughing on the phone with Kacey, dancing my life away to cumbias, and excited that I was making moves for myself. After Horn Photo I looked up the nearest thrift. It ended up being one that my mom an I had gone to the first time I had been seeing Z. The day we had lunch and went to see The Crow. I didn’t like the prices there, didn’t find much, and honestly ended up getting a little bit sad. I remembered the last time I’d gone thrifting was when he and I went to the one around the corner. It had me reflecting on sweet moments we had where he made me smile. I miss him. I wish I would have listened to all the ways he was telling me/showing me he cared about me more than the skewed well-meaning perspectives of others. I can only change what I do in the future. Keeping my business, my business and asking myself for answers, while acknowledging that I have no control over people’s thoughts or actions. I need to be direct and assert boundaries. That comes with confidence and acceptance of the fact that people may filter themselves out of my life. That was the part that scared me. I have to be okay with people leaving my life. It’s something that happens naturally sometimes even without provocation. My results all came back clear. I was so nervous. Erykah Badu had this amazing quote that really resonated with me about not asking for things but rather being grateful for what was already present. She talked about wanting to be the most high or all around best versions of herself in the roles she plays in life. It’s hard to stop asking for things but it’s part of trusting that all things are playing out as intended. Trusting in the universe to relinquish the feigned sense of control.

For my studies tomorrow I want to research methods of building my self-esteem, and breaking down my fears of rejection/abandonment.

Didn’t get a chance to write today so taking some time to write my thought before the day ends. Here at goth night waiting to get my cards read. Got all dolled up. I’m flattered I got hit on he called me bonita. I’m just not ready to get involved with anyone right now. I feel so used. I’m trying not to get down on myself because it doesn’t serve me and I’ve been getting better every day but I’m just sad. I feel so gullible. Like an idiot. They always say never let a man tell you they don’t like you twice. I’m almost done with my book. Today’s chapter was talking about how you have to treat wins and losses in the same regard. What may feel like a win in the moment can later turn out to be something that’s not good for you while something you may see as a loss can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I’m starting to acknowledge all of the ways I’ve been disrespecting myself over the years. Not acknowledging the work I’ve been needing to do. It’s like I was frozen. Not wanting to deal with any of the hardships I’ve faced. I’ve had a very rough couple of years. While some things were completely out of my control. There are many situations where I’ve put myself in the space for harm. I should want to change for myself not because of someone else. That’s that he didn’t even know any of the things I’d been to an extent dishonest about or leaving out because I was afraid he wouldn’t want to be with me. The person I want to be with loves all of me despite who I’ve been in the past. They’re not going to be unsure of wanting to be with me. I’m worthy of being loved and I deserve to be with someone who acknowledges my worth and the strength it takes to still have a good heart despite all of the things that have happened to me.

05/22/25

Still no word yet on the results of my testing. Prayed for myself and my loved ones last night. This experience has helped me grow in so many different ways. I feel as though I’m in a great transitional phase. Growing into the person I’ve always wanted to be and know I could become. I know it hasn’t been that long that I stopped drinking, but as I was typing my last entry I just couldn’t believe the person I was becoming. Obviously I really cared about him but to say that we really had very many things in common wouldn’t be true. When asked what I like about him, it’s mostly how he made me want to become a better version of myself. Years of drinking and not wanting to face or cope with my feelings I didn’t realize until I was typing it last night how careless I had been about other people’s feelings. Jose and Patrick aren’t exactly the greatest people in the world, but they didn’t deserve the way I just tossed them aside as though they were nothing. It’s like I was pushing people away out of fear that they’d do it to me first. I was on a dark path. I was slowly killing myself. Developing into a person I no longer recognized. Definitely not someone I was proud of. I wouldn’t have wanted to date me either. That’s that most people had no idea the degree to which I was inebriating myself and how often. Even when I was still seeing him I remember I started to grow very insecure about myself and one night I got so drunk I bit all my nails off and chipped my front tooth. I hadn’t been able to find work that summer and had blown through my savings. I was relying heavily on my credit card. My insecurities had me believing that he would rather have his ex there instead of me. For years I’ve been tearing myself down whether it be about my weight, my financial status, my education, etc. Now that I’ve been listening to audiobooks about rewiring my thinking process, I realize that I was conditioning my brain to shit on myself all the time, about all the ways that I wasn’t good enough. It was easier to black out and not think about it. I guess I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to change or that I was going to fail so why bother even trying. I had a true failure mentality. I was lying about who I was. My lunch is ending.

To be continued….