Maybe I’m giving myself too much guilt  

but I’m now deeply questioning my part in the disassociation wt these people

i shouldn’t look too deeply into it though

people come and go  

I think everyone just wants to feel loved and when they don’t they react in various ways

im an asshole so when I don’t feel loved  

It’s like well I’m gonna make you feel just as unloved as I do

i need to work on that

Sorry if you’ve fallen victim to my emotional rampages where I get all angry and hurt and do shit to make other people as angry and hurt as I am

Maybe my reaction

Is a form of laziness  

like I’m hurt that these people aren’t there for me the way that i would be for them

i was having one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time I legit cried and shit all little bitch all hurt all sad girl

I tried calling you

you brushed me off like I didn’t matter  

even though we had had plans

what  

 

now I have to grow emotionally by myself

i have to pick myself up  

I get all hurt and overreact  

I’m sorry

Are you my friend?

I feel mean about the words that I wrote last night

while I feel like they do bear truth

We still had a great time when we’d hang out

I think I get asshurt and do mean shit  

say hurtfull shit

ive been more mean to Danny than any other newer friends of mine

i think because i was so comfortable around him  

but I think that’s why I was so scared to trust him

he never gained my confidence in him

man I ripped my silk pjs last night

anyways I guess I just need to clarify  

he’s not stupid I think I kept saying shit about his intellect what I meant by that is I think he’s easily influenced to the point where you don’t know what his true feelings are about shit; part of the deceit  

things just never added up

words didn’t equate action  

or maybe the words were part of the act of manipulation  

i just always felt like he was trying to manipulate my feelings and I always questioned if he was talking shit about me behind my back

if I feel that way about you  

then that already tells me the answer  

I’ve had people who I’ve known for years and they’ve fucked me over like I was nothing like our friendship meant nothing  

I was something that could be done away with

who knows maybe I lost a good friend because I let my situations and insecurities about other people cloud my judgement about him

i don’t think that what I wrote yesterday was just about him though in that moment I was mad because I was second guessing my actions I kept thinking

was I too rash in my decision to remove all those people

what if I’m just being an asshole

do I just want their attention

i think I was just making a move to try to do something positive for myself but I shouldn’t hurt people’s feelings if I really am trying to cleanse myself

rip my friendships wt y’all thanks for the good times

im moving on  

I did my time missing you now you’ll just be remembered

 

 

 

People make me laugh

It’s so funny when people try to act like they care

but I guess that’s the act:

-i care about you

-i appreciate you

-i enjoy our intellectual conversation  

- i love how we interact emotionally

the act is really in the ‘we’ and the ‘our’ 

they want to ‘act’ like you’re a part of their manipulation

they want you to think that you’re growing mutually

when they’re in fact growing like a cancer; at your expense; feeding off of your intellect and emotional creativity

parasites  

cancers

but essentially just theives   

people without the individual capacity to think for themselves

people afraid to be themselves

people skilled in the art of deceit

they act only to conceal their overwhelming fears and insecurities  

actors with masks and scripts

living a lie that they want you play a part of

they want you as low as they feel intellectually  

Directing you to the level of depression that they exist at

the level of dissatisfaction with life

the level of unhappiness  

weight

they want to weigh you down

they don’t like that you’re high

they don’t like that you’re happy

they don’t want you to succeed

they don’t want you to be you

because you being happy is another insecurity for them  

these are the type of people who will ask themselves, “Why do they get to be so happy when I’m not?!”  

The start of their attempt at your demise

the conception of their futile acts of poison

 

towards you  

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