I’ve been trying to remind myself that I’m right where I need to be. I look for why things may be happening to me in the way that they are and I find the answer in the ways my life is blossoming. As I start to get discouraged along the way as my healing is not linear. I’ve had some really rough days lately when I question if I’m making the right choice by not reaching out to someone who I care so deeply about. I wonder if I’m denying myself a great love. I see the ways my healing is working. How it’s driving me to be the best version of myself and how it can inspire others to do the same. It’s hard to do the right thing sometimes. I’m proud of myself for being afraid and doing things anyways. I’ve been trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason, sometimes you just can’t see the full picture yet. I’ve been on a journey of empowerment. I didn’t think I could find something else besides the shop and the school, and I did. I got the interview, and ultimately the job. I wasn’t sure if I could hack it, and now I’ve been here nearly a year. I didn’t know if I would find another place or be able to afford staying here. Now I’m turning this place into my home. A place I can love and surrounding myself with all these things I love. Expressing myself in my photography, floral arrangements, gardening, etc. I’ve risen to the challenge of being a good leader, and voicing the concerns of people who were too afraid to say something. It was hard and it comes with it’s own paradox; feeling proud of myself for saying something, while similarly feeling guilty as far as not knowing what the outcome of it will be. I know that my actions came from the heart and me trying to do what I think is the right thing. While I don’t know what the outcome is, I know that I’ve been through worse things in my life and have made due. This is an act that will empower me to stand up for what’s right and will make it easier for myself the next time I need to stand up for myself and others. After having that talk today with my friend I’m grateful that I was placed into the path of meeting her. I realize if things had initially worked out with Z and I, I would have never challenged myself in any of the ways I’ve already talked about today. I also would have never met Valeria. Our talks validated the work I sometimes questioned. She reminded me that it was beautiful the way that I was going about things, and I appreciated her encouragement along the way about the things I was focusing on. I’m proud to have shared my struggles and experiences with her even though they were hard to talk about. It’s not easy to talk about my alcoholism and the things that drove me to cope in unhealthy ways. The ways I disrespected myself and in some ways invited others to do the same. To share my story and how I’m choosing to have compassion for myself and forgiveness for others. I need to get myself to bed already since I’m going into work earlier than usual. I’m still sad that things didn’t work out between Z and I. I miss him so much and don’t know why things turned out the way they did. I don’t know how to fix them, if that’s possible, or if I should even want to fix them. I don’t know what will become of the actions I’ve taken in the work place. I do know that I’m proud of the person I’m becoming, and that when I feel myself asking why things didn’t work out between he and I, I find the answers in the ways the universe is showing me love and gratitude. Valeria’s words meant a lot to me tonight. She makes me recognize that the work I’ve been doing is meaningful, it is worth it, and even though I’m sad, two things can be true at the same time. I can be sad and hurt that things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, but they worked out the way it was meant to. I’m becoming the best version of myself and inspiring others to do the same. It also makes me reflect more on the things I shared with Z about how my friends felt about him. Being on the receiving end of workplace bullying and not even in the same degree as he may feel, I can only imagine how powerless he must feel in so many aspect of his life. To potentially be giving people the benefit of the doubt in assuming they’re just joking around with you, yet to find these are the things they really think about you. How hurtful that must have been, and again to feel like you’re in a position where you have to stay there and take it. I can’t take what I said back, and it was true. It doesn’t make it right though. While the hurt I caused wasn’t intentional, I can see why it happened. This is a person who feels powerless in a multitude of ways. I’m sorry for not seeing that sooner. Not being empathetic to his situations and just being someone who could listen to him and be there for him. I’ll do better for my next partner.