Yesterday was an emotional day too. The anniversary of Dona Julia’s death. I told Livy about all the things I had been writing about. How I was having a hard time getting over Z. She was like well it’s like that for a bit then with time you’re just like whatever about it. When I spoke with Kacey she was like I’m just not like that if someone has me feeling some type of way I have to say something. If it’s killing me to not talk to him then I should say something. Why does it take near death or potentially deadly situations for me to express my truth? I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me is already mine. No amount of space or time can stop destiny. I want to keep applying to different places and hopefully I can leave Starbukis. Or step down as just barista. We’ll see. I also know that I can get up early and still play dress up in a sense and just change before work and I would still get that feeling that you get when your outfit is on point. I want to make more money so I can see the world. All things are possible if I put my mind to it. Amelia’s right though, I left the ball in his court and he told me he didn’t want to be with me. He has my number and knows where to find me if he really wanted to reach out. It’s hard because I’m dying to reach out to him, and I know how to reach him; I’m not brave enough. I understand that there’s the chance that he’ll reject me again, or that he’ll just want to be friends. I don’t just want to be friends. Or I couldn’t torment myself in that way. Or if he started dating someone else I wouldn’t want to see that. Maybe later on down the road, right now I can’t hardly even bear the thought. The audio book Samara suggested has me realizing what I lowkey already knew, I was acting as a subset of a ‘Pick Me’ girl, ‘the cool girl’ the one who’s okay with everything. Not that I’m wanting to get crazy about everything, but I should vocalize things that bother me there in the moment. I think I’m doing good by sweeping things under the rug but it ends up snowballing into something bigger. As much as I care about him, I know there was things I didn’t like about him. I want someone who calls me to see how I’m doing, good morning text messages are sweet, but a call sets the tone for the day lets me know you’re checking in and are curious about me, what I have planned for the day, and how you want to be on my mind. I know it’s not always possible but the text should only be if there’s no way you can make a call. I want someone who’s curious to know how my day went. They want to know if it was good or bad, if it was bad how they can make it better; because just that call would make it better. Knowing that someone cares enough to listen to me and ask me about my day. I’m not a needy girl I like simple things. Surprise me with flowers they’re literally $5, Costco pizza is only $2, Agua de Kefirs are $2.49. A hand full of things at the thrift store yesterday only cost me $10 it’s not like I’m asking for the world. Just get to know what I like and show me that you’re listening to me. Even flowers on the first date I don’t think is a big ask. Show effort, demonstrate how you’re trying to set yourself apart from the other potential suitors.