Went to the Kaweah Oaks Preserve today to ask my favorite tree for peace, wisdom, and guidance. I always hug my friend when I first get there. Then I sit on it’s roots and put my feet in the water. I soaked up the sun and sat silently. Catching familiar scents that took me back to running there with my boys. We were always so happy to reach the shade of my friend and cool off in the water. It wells my eyes up just thinking about it. I miss them all. I cried last night because I found that I’d been blocked on tik tok and it made me finally confront the lies I’ve been telling. I tell people he hasn’t reached out to me because I’ve blocked all access but it’s not true. He hasn’t been blocked since the day I we last spoke. I hadn’t seen my co-worker and I told her how I felt guilty for my friends getting it out of me that he was the one who I had been seeing. I felt guilty because I said I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. I’m afraid they’ll treat him differently. They were upset. They said it was typical of him, it’s his pattern. That’s why they tried to warn me about him. I just said I really cared about him and I thought it was fate, I didn’t think he’d hurt me again. I admitted my faults and immaturity in what happened ultimately too. I almost cried talking to my dad today about it too. I told him I was going to talk to the boys about me moving back to Rohnert Park with them that I could go back and apply to Sonoma State for my MA. I didn’t want to run into people who reminded me of him anymore. I gave him a quick run down of the relationship. I had to choke back tears the whole time. He told me I’m a beautiful independent woman and I deserve more. That it sounds like I dodged a bullet. Everyone keeps saying that but it doesn’t feel like that. I didn’t realize until talking to Amelia today that this is the first time I’ve ever been honest with anyone about my feelings openly. It was the first time I got to know and care for someone before having sex with them. It was the first time I’d ever been intimate with someone sober. My first time really having respect for someone else’s feelings, and aligning my behaviors to meet that respect. It’s my first break up with someone completely sober. I’m having to feel everything for the first time without numbing myself. Tarot keeps telling me to trust the universe and let go. I keep telling myself, “What’s meant for me is already mine”. I reflect on what Bob Marley said about being a rasta from ever since, and everything else just filtered itself out. Things will always filter themselves out of your life. I want to let go and I keep praying for this thorn to come out of my heart. I think I genuinely thought he’d come back. I pray to heal and learn from this. I don’t pray for him to come back into my life anymore. I haven’t done that since the first time things ended. I pray to love myself more, to grow and heal from this experience. I pray for my ancestors to protect him and help him. I pray for me to find happiness even if it’s not with him. I pray for all the same for him. I pray for change in the hearts of all evil men, especially those in power. I pray for Chicho’s heart to change and the truth to come to light. I deserve reciprocity, safety, and love. I cry because I’m letting go. I told my Dad when he asked me back in May what he was like I said, “He’s sweet, kind, and has a good heart” I still stand by that statement. I left out the rest not because I wanted to lie, but because I felt that those things were the only thing that mattered to me about him, not his misgivings or lessons he’s passing through. Telling my Dad everything, and my friends everything feels like the nail in the coffin. The other day Des was talking to me about how she still feels some type of way about how things ended at Olive Garden and I told her how even in my recent heartbreak I try to imagine myself on a boat and I get an axe and I cut loose the anchor and sail away. I wouldn’t go back to try to reattach the anchor, one it’d be impossible, but also wouldn’t you want to celebrate your freedom? I’m trying to continue my growth. He’s been a mirror to things I’ve always needed to fix about myself. I’m trying to focus on healing, growth, and gratitude. I need to let go.