Scrambling to get everything ready for tomorrow. So excited. I’m so thankful for the experiences I’ve been able to carry myself through despite this thorn in my heart. Lmao there’s literal dust on my keyboard. Not giving myself time to write has also been weighing on me I think. I had an amazing day with Danny at Paradise Creek. I really needed that. I’ve felt aimless in life. I’m wanting more than what I have right now, but I don’t exactly know what that means. Part of me thinks it means going back to the bay and getting out of here, but I also feel like that’d be running away to an extent too. Regardless of where I’m at I will have to grieve over this heartbreak. I read this quote the other day which is something I had reflected on since the day that Amelia and I had gone to Paradise Creek when I saw the carvings in the tree. Which is that you don’t get over loss you learn to grow through it. Tarot says it’s like a gate you walk through. I thought if I did the 30 day challenge back to myself I would be over it. I needed to be more realistic about my expectations for myself, and for him. I thought he’d come back. I didn’t know he’d block me on TikTok. I left that avenue open so to speak thinking that’d be where he may attempt to reach out to me. It’s been difficult. I know I need to let go and I pray to get over him, and let things go. I can’t help but smile when I think about our short time together. I loved having him here with me, in my arms. Sleeping with our arms wrapped around one another. Waking up next to him. My mind tries to imagine how things could have gone differently. Only time and healing will help me to accept things. I’m starting to open myself up to the idea of potentially trying to date someone else. My friend was talking about how she’s been going out on dates. I do have a little crush on this guy who comes through drive-thru late at night. We had a cute moment yesterday. I’d go out with him. His name is Nate. The universe offers you opportunities every day it’s up to you to take them. He’s very handsome, I just don’t know how old he is. I’m just so torn. MF Doom says follow your heart; and the heart wants what the heart wants. I want to reach out to him, but Amelia says I already asked him to give me another opportunity and he said no three times. Everyone says I dodged a bullet. Ever since I got to know him, I don’t want to be with anyone else. The times we’ve spent apart, my heart longs for him and he stays crossing my mind. The other day when I was terrified on the floatie I kept telling myself, well in reality you’re on a big rock floating in space so in the large scheme of things what’s a small floatie on a creek. In the same way I relinquished myself of my fear, I need to relinquish my feigned sense of control. If two people are meant to be they will be. Easier said than done. I have this idea that if I upload all the photos in my phone from the time we were together, I’ll be freed to some degree. Like I don’t have to look at myself, and think of how happy I thought I was. I’m almost there. Anyways I need to get some rest.