I finished my book yesterday morning before bed. I’m always sad to finish a book, it means I have to start a new one. It threw me for a loop though. The main character that I thought was going to end up with the guy that got shot in the head, didn’t even really care about him the way I thought. Things aren’t so black and white. Even if I were to get together with someone that’s not to say we’d be together forever. They could leave me or I could leave them. Married - not married, kids - no kids. It’s like she was just with him to pass the time. I mean to an extent she liked him enough to have him around and to have sex with him. It almost seems like it was just something to do, something to pass time with. Meanwhile, he thought he was falling in love. He had no idea that she had lost her brother, and lover at the same time to a terrible hunting accident. Their shared best friend accidentally killed her brother and went to prison. He never thought she’d forgive him so he refused to see her in prison, and couldn’t face her after he’d gotten out. She never even told the other guy about her brother getting shot. She said she just let him talk about himself and his experience about getting shot. She never went to him, she just let him show up and things played out as they did. I don’t think she ever thought 25 years later the real love of her life would show up and apologize for everything one night. What are the odds that he hits a roe-deer like the one he and her brother were hunting? What are the odds that he finally has the balls to face her? It just made me think that life is really just random and playing out as it should and timing is crazy. The universe is crazy. You just have to trust that things are playing out as they should, as they need to be and everything will work itself out in the end. It’s like when I was on my hike yesterday and I was reflecting on how proud of myself I am. I was happy that even though my plans with my friends fell through. I was okay. I was able to find comfort in the disappointment and make my own way. I knew I needed a day to immerse myself in nature. I had wanted to do it with them. At the same time though my friend reminds me a lot of the person I’m trying to forget about right now. Maybe it was divine intervention and seeing her and potentially hearing about him would have thrown me off my course of self-healing. The old me would scramble to find someone else to go hiking with but I didn’t. I was happy to go by myself. To venture past the point of Skyline that I had ever gone. For a moment I thought to just stay at the creek where I relaxed the last time, but I said to myself, “No, let me see how far my legs will take me, I can always turn back and head back the way I came.” Before I even reached the creek I got a text from Jon V asking if I wanted to paddle boat. I told him to come through and meet me at Slick Rock that I was already at Skyline. He was shocked I went w/o them. I told him I thought he was bailing. I had taken my headphones with me to listen to music but I remembered how I had seen something on the internet about people being pissed that fellow hikers go and listen to music loudly when the purpose is to listen to the nature sounds around you and they’re disturbing the experience for those around them. I also remembered the coming back to yourself challenge and the silent self-date. I had my headphones in my fanny pack but when I was texting him back and taking my phone in and out of my fanny pack they had fallen out. I didn’t even realize they were missing until I was coming back down the mountain. I was bummed about it at first and really unsure of where they might be. The sun was going down and I had already been on my way back down the mountain for quite a bit. I didn’t want to go back and look for them, and it had already crossed my mind that they had probably fallen out when I first took my phone out to text him early on in the hike. I was already constantly scanning the ground for snakes, and knew that if nobody had picked them up I should be able to see them plain as day. I came back down to the creek. It was hot and I wanted to cool off and read at least one chapter in my book with my feet in the water. It was getting dark but I told myself not to be scared. I finished my chapter, and started towards my car. I picked flowers, watched butterflies dance around me. I accepted that I probably lost my headphones. I told myself that if they were meant to be mine again, they would be. If I didn’t find them, that just means I needed new ones anyways (they are a little bent lol). I still kept an eye out just in case, but wasn’t counting on it. I thought about what kind of headphones I’d get next. The same kind, or the over the head ones. How I was almost done with my book, and how I’m excited to join a gym soon. Then before you know it, right where I thought they’d be around the bend where I had first taken my phone out. I was meant to have them back. Regaining my trust in myself, in the universe, and finding comfort in the fact that I can’t control everything; I don’t need to control everything. Everything is playing out as it should. I was shocked to hear from Oscar today lol. I’m not asking him to hang out again though I’m okay if we don’t. Whatever happens, happens. I’m grateful for the butterflies of excitement, the possibility of a new beginning, and the flattery of someone so handsome/talented reaching out to me to compliment my photography. His curiosity about me. I had forgotten about how we were supposed to have just a 10-15min conversation to see if we’d vibe before we hung out, that turned into over an hour. My heart wasn’t in it the first time we saw each other. He’s so handsome and there’s so many things I like about him, but I was still longing for someone else who had broken my heart back in August. Now that I’ve closed that chapter of my life, and started the journey of loving myself I can see beyond it. The sun setting on one part of the world is a sun rise in another. My love and growth for myself has relieved me of my desperation to be chosen. Given way to acceptance and trusting that what is mine, will be mine no matter what. Also writing that letter to myself called deleting the fantasy helped me to realize that I was in love with my own imagination. The love I felt was actually a reflection of the love I was putting out. The person I cared about never felt the same way. I can’t force anyone to love me, or to want to help themselves. I can recognize disrespect, and lack of prioritization. I was choosing to ignore it when I should have been choosing myself and self-respect. I was crediting him with all of the work that I was doing. I got myself a better job, I got myself to the place that I’ve been wanting to be. I’m still doing the hard work. I’ve been in love with myself and my own capacity. It was just misplaced.