Today’s been good to me so far. I started my day reading I can’t believe how far I am into my book already. It’s kind of cool the way it jumps around in perspectives. It’s been keeping my mind busy. For my studies I examined how to heal myself from the wounds I have from my parents and feeling bullied as a kid, and the ways that made me project my hurt onto other people. The practice is writing back and forth to my inner child. Reparenting myself, the things I should’ve been told in those situations. It’s kind of crazy how quickly the time passes when you get started. Before I knew it I had written pages and pages of dialogue. I lost track of time and had to put my shit in gear since I had to ship out that book. Then I was like oh fuck I have to turn in my timesheet today too. While I was at the post office a man told me, “Please forgive me for staring you’re just so beautiful.” I said, “You’re okay, thank you” I’ve had little moments of flattery here and there lmao like the other day how that hottie in the car waved at me I was like oh damn, still got it hahaha jk
When I got to the school I kind of knew someone might bring it up. Lorenzo was like how’s it going with him and I had to tell him it didn’t work out. He was like where’s he at I’ll beat him up. Lmao I was like no it’s okay it just didn’t work out. He asked me what happened and I just said I don’t really know I think neither one of us are ready to be honest. The reasonings just feel like excuses but I’ve just been working on myself. I was thankful that I had to head out to work already so I didn’t have to discuss it anymore. I forgot my papers today my mantras to keep me going. Talking to my friend on the phone I’m thankful that even though I was lowkey getting kind of overwhelmed with all the work I feel like I need to do to love myself, it’s well, not nice to know cause I do feel bad for people but at least I’ve never allowed a man to verbally abuse me the way she was telling me about her cousin. I hope she gets the strength to leave him and work towards loving herself. It sucks that it takes someone taking you for granted for you to realize you’re worthy of more. You need darkness to head towards the light.
I’m so excited to receive my scans tomorrow!! I can’t wait my little Duke’s going to be on there too ahhhh. Lowkey nervous to see those pics of me and Patrick but maybe I need the secondhand embarrassment to keep me going on my sober journey. Also, not that there’s anything wrong with casual sex but I just don’t think it’s for me. Seeing those pics will be a reminder of the consequences of risky behavior. I only want to take those risks with someone who I really care about. I know that ultimately I want more. For me I do have to go to a place of vulnerability to be naked like that in front of someone and I’m still not 100% confident in my body. I’m looking forward to my fitness journey too. That’s going to help me with my body image and overall health. Also, just getting out of the house. I didn’t realize that I really only get out of the house when I have work. I can go to the gym and see what’s out there lol all the hotties, and get fit. When I don’t have time for the gym I’ll do my Gilad’s Body’s in Motion or some yoga. I also want to work on my posture I feel like that’s a large source of insecurity too. I can’t believe I’m coming up on a month of not seeing him, it doesn’t feel that long. Eventually the time will continue to pass and he’ll be a memory of a time I didn’t love myself enough to stand up for what I deserved - just like Isaac. If you think about it this time last year I was all Keith Sweat twisted over Jose and now I could give a fuck about him I’m just like omg what was I thinking dude. I guess I wasn’t. Patrick too; worthless ass guy. Anyways time goes by so quickly and staying busy with my writing and my business will help me keep my mind from wandering back to places and times in my life when I wasn’t respecting myself. I’ll try not to beat myself up about it and just reflect more on how I’m appreciating the work that I’m doing. Even hearing my friend’s cousin’s story because when you’re going down that path of not loving yourself it’s easy to let people treat you like shit, that’s never going to be my story.