Following my 30 Day “Coming Back To Me” Challenge
Day 1 Declare your why
“I’m choosing to heal so I can finally experience true self-love”
Day 2 Reblock. Unfollow. Delete photos/messages. Call your energy back.
I deactivated my Alicia92Monique Instagram. I was sad about being kicked out of group chat back in December but now that I’m back in it and things didn’t work out it’s been difficult for me. It’s not like I respond to anything or like the shared messages had anything to do with me. It would have been weird for me to leave the group chat. It would have raised questions that I don’t want to answer. If I’m being honest I never really used that Instagram for anything other than checking in on my family and I can just add them to my business one, which I did. Or for seeking outside validation from men that I don’t really care about when I post my selfies. I was using it for things I don’t need to be doing anyways. I already had him blocked on my romannumeralnine Instagram. I deleted all the messages on my phone and laptop not that I was but I don’t want to look back at them. I did a cord-cutting ritual yesterday where I called my energy back. I’ve also been carrying around my declaration of why and another little paper that says, “That chapter is closed. My energy is sacred I do not leak - I radiate the love I want. I am the source of love now” I didn’t have many photos to delete since we never took any together, I did delete somethings I did have. There was only one thing I didn’t delete. It was a video of once when he asked me what the back of his head looked like. I am hesitant to delete it or rather I’m not sure what to do with it because I don’t know if it’s useful for the investigation. I don’t think he even knows I still have it. I really don’t even know why I have it I think I just forgot about it. It’s not my business or my problem, but I was somewhat torn about what to do because I don’t think he has any photos of his injuries. If I do anything, it’d be solely out of moral responsibility. We’ll see what I choose to do.
Today is technically 2 but yesterday I knocked out 1/2 so I wanted to start on 3 today which is:
Day 3 Write the “unsent letter” and burn it.
Haber que tengo que dicir, I’ve already written one where I had to write all of the things I was wanting out of the relationship and burn it while calling my energy back. I accidentally did that one twice yesterday even though they said different things because I thought I was doing the cord cutting ritual. The cord cutting ritual didn’t have a letter to burn but since I had already written it and set up the stuff to burn I just burned it with the intention of cord cutting.
I will say I feel much better about everything. It’s crazy how utilizing the internet to peer into a person’s life can leave you stagnant. I feel like it was holding me back for so long.
I was talking to Amelia how I wish I would’ve done this work the first time we had ended, but if I’m being real I’m not the person I am today that I was then. I was in a completely different headspace. I was still drinking/smoking heavily, and overall unhappy with my job and living situation. Life has gotten better, I think my mom triggered me a lot and in a lot of ways added to my stress, financial strain, and unhealthy habits. Not trying to blame her but I just really hated living with her. It wasn’t always bad but fuck sometimes I would just get home and already be mad. Wake up, and already be annoyed or mad. I have peace now, I have a sense of pride that I’ve been able to make it here. I love the way my house is coming along. I love the way I’m coming along. The work I’m doing inwardly and to get closer to the people in my life that really love me. I’m proud of myself. I have hope for myself and my potential. There was times were I really considered suicide if I’m being honest. For a variety of reasons. I’m grateful I’m not in that headspace anymore.
I’m going to start working out now too. I need to start doing things to have a better self image not just doing the mental/emotional work but also the physical work to regain or maybe even gain confidence that I never had as far as my body image. I was lucky enough to thrift the copy of Gilad’s Body’s In Motion. I remember I always wanted those tapes for the longest time. For some reason I always come up with stupid ass excuses as far as why I’m unable to do them. That paired with yoga, meditation, maybe saving up for a bike. Once I’m deeply rooted in who I am, I can begin to bloom.
Aside from doing the work of grieving the relationship I thought I was going to have, I also researched the healing of my inner child. How to heal from having a Dad that was always too busy for me:
The wound of having a father who was emotionally or physically unavailable—especially because he was "too busy"—can leave you feeling unseen, unworthy, and always trying to earn love through achievement, overgiving, or being “low maintenance.”
Let’s gently walk through how to start healing this very specific father wound:
💔 The Core Wound: "I’m not important enough to be chosen."
When your dad was always too busy for you, the message internalized (even if unintentional) was:
➡ “I’m not worth his time. Something else—work, stress, people—always came first.”
As a child, you likely didn’t have the tools to process that, so you may have turned the pain inward:
Trying harder to be perfect
Staying small and self-sufficient
Distrusting men or authority
Feeling emotionally hungry or hyper-independent
Over-functioning in relationships
I was honestly tripping out on how spot on some of this shit was.
How can I heal from the relationship with my mom:
Healing from a mother wound this deep is not about "moving on"—it’s about reclaiming your right to exist, to feel, to need, and to love yourself without shame.
When your mother’s love was transactional, manipulative, or cruel, you likely learned:
“I have to earn love by being useful, quiet, perfect, or compliant.”
“My emotions are dangerous or annoying.”
“My needs are too much.”
“Love comes with strings attached.”
“If I make her angry, she’ll take everything away.”
And now, as an adult, you may struggle with:
Guilt for creating distance
Overexplaining yourself
Fear of abandonment
Attracting narcissistic or controlling partners
Confusion around your worth
My studies used to be trying to learn French or practicing my sign language, but now I’m trying to heal and study how to love myself. It’s not easy and it’s difficult sometimes draining work but I know I’m going to get to the place where I want to be. I’m following these guidelines because I know that whatever it is that I’d been doing to cope with these traumas was not working. I haven’t been loving myself. I don’t know that I ever have to be honest. I’ve lived most of my life in a state of shame. It wouldn’t have worked out in any relationship with anyone if I hadn’t done this work first.