It’s been a bit since I’ve written. I love to write, but it’s also a great emotional pull. I should change my mindset or re-frame it to consider that it’s just taking a load off my mind. With that, I won’t try to find excuses not to do it. Disappointments help to realign what your objectives are. I had to remember that I wanted this job so I could leave the shop, afford this place on my own, gain supervisor experience, fix my front tooth (lmfao), and get new glasses. I just started qualifying for my benefits. I have the experience. I’ve been surviving here on my own. I’ve been doing really well for myself. Nothing has changed; other than a reminder that nothing is for certain. I’ve been loving life lately and have been in a state of gratitude. The people that I work with are great, but I work for a corporation. I have to make the distinction between the people and the company. I am a cog in the wheel. I am disposable and replaceable to them. I cannot forget that. I took some time heal and grow from my recent experiences. I’m proud of myself. I’ve been slipping up lately though and I know it. There’s worse consequences. I’m actually lucky. This has been a wake up call. I have been feeling settled recently. Or not in a stir to grow financially, or I’ve been doing too much reflecting on it or wanting it - not acting on it. I’m already in a position to make way more than I have been. I’ve been sleeping on it, physically and metaphorically speaking. I need to get to it. I’m excited to see my development progress. I have to remind myself to be in a state of curiosity vs fear. I’m curious to see what I’ll do. I don’t mind what I do I just wish I made more money for it. I don’t feel like I have job security. I wish I did something where I worked in nature. I’ve always wanted to work for the Kaweah Oaks Preserve. I need to look into my options even if it means going back to school for something else. Maybe conservation? I’d rather have that be my big girl job that funds my side hustle of reselling and taking film photos. The emotional labor that I endure on a daily basis can be stressful. I’m grateful to have such a great team; it definitely lightens the load. I want a job where I can wear whatever I want. I need to get more clothes that fit me. I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. I probably do have more clothes that fit me, but since I can only wear certain colors. I’ve put them away. I realized how much expression via clothing means to me. I do feel like I’ve risen to the challenge to utilize the clothes I already have to conform to this dress code. I think some of it has to do with running into people I went to school with. Feeling like I’m not in a better place in life. It all comes down to the work I’ve been doing on my mental health. I should have said when something bothered me and expressed myself. I was in a people pleaser mindset. I still have work to do. I’m ready to do it though.