The holidays have me a bit down. I guess I just begin to reflect on the past. I get lost in it. I feel the hurt as it stings my heart, filling my eyes with a deep well of emotions. I think of loved ones who I’ll never get to spend another holiday with. I try to remember holidays I did share with them. I think about the people I’ve had to push away to protect my heart. I think of my Christmas wishes, and my hopes for the New Year. Books I want to read. Goals I want to accomplish. I’m tired of being my greatest setback. While I still have life left in this world I’d like to do as much as I can to express the things I feel within me through different mediums. Be the person I’ve always aspired to be. Someone I can be proud of. My lack of self-esteem comes from me behaving in ways so truly against my moral conscience. It’s hard for me to respect myself, it’s difficult for others to respect me too. I can only do better for myself. I’ve decided I don’t want to drink anymore. I think it brings out a side of myself that I don’t recognize. A creature of the night. The creature from the Black Lagoon. I can’t be a better version of myself if I’m allowing myself to turn into that monstrosity.
I can’t stop thinking about how great Nosferatu was. It was sickening; I LOVED IT. I’m so grateful for my friend Kacey going to the movies with me these last two times. A Complete Unknown was amazing too. I feel so much appreciation for the History of Rock & Roll class I took at C.O.S. and Mr. Blakie’s English class. I remember watching I’m Not There and it felt cool having some what of an insight to certain aspects of his life. The previews before Nosferatu were nice too! I whispered to Kacey that the movie was from The Skeleton Key, it was one of the short stories in it - then it came on the screen! I can’t wait to see that one, but also I hope they make a film about the one in The Skeleton Key where there’s that dot on the water that hypnotizes the people into touching it so it can consume them. Anyways, there were quite a few moments where even though Kacey and I are seasoned horror girlies, we were like squirming or wanting to look away from disgust - but couldn’t. A lady who looked like a trumpadilly walked out talking about how “gross” the movie was. It was amazing I’d go see it again. I was laughing at how I always used to tell Kacey that that was her vato. Estaba bien pero bien feo hahaha. In the end when he was all shrivilated I whispered to her, “son parecidos” hhahahahaha.