As the jobs are not as readily available as I thought, I’m beginning to question whether or not I made a mistake. If I did the only way I can make it up to myself; is to utilize this time I have to create the space I’ve wanted to for myself. Both in terms of my physical space, as well as my online presence. I have to eliminate the factors I feel prevent me from being able to pursue what I want to. For some reason, I feel this weighed guilt. About my absence from certain persons. A collection of persons, and the discomfort of knowing that I have been absent in friendships, family, whilst still posting as though I haven’t been shining those people on. Also I sometimes feel that my need for validation should come from myself and often times if I put myself out there I will begin to seek outside validation for my style, fashion, intellect, etc.
However, as Outkast said best, “the only liable limitation is yourself”
I still remember the first time I heard that song when I was in NYC ice skating in Central Park. I always hear this line and question the ways in which I’m limiting myself. I’m trying to be open to the possibility of pushing myself into having a drive or passion. I find that my limitation is in the fear that I am actually incapable. Whereas if I never do it I’m just lazy - not incapable.
It’s easy to slip into old habits instead of pulling myself up. Proud to say though that I have had the opportunity to take that road but have chosen my success. The continuance of my sobriety from alcohol helps me to sort through my thoughts in a healthy way.
I still am dealing with the repercussions of my past of heavy drinking. The shame and embarrassment. The guilt of not staying sober -initially - or in contact with my friends from the women’s shelter. I feel guilty reaching out to them because I don’t want to influence them in negative ways.
I also feel that while I enjoyed the connections I made there, the people there are too religious and it makes me uncomfortable. I can be sober from alcohol without religion. I don’t know that my friends can separate substance abuse and religion. I feel that it hinders my connection with them. I also felt somewhat of a pressure or like they kind of looked up to me that I was able to go and come freely, go purchase whatever I wanted to drink or whatever; yet chose not to. Chose to go and take part of a mutually beneficial relationship where we’re discussing the issues that led us to drink. Discussing the importance of continuing to open our eyes to the abuse we were subjecting ourselves to. The types of situations our abuse put us in. So to tell them that I broke that bond of sobriety seemed to heavy for me.
I wonder what they think of me. It weighs on me. I want to tell them that I will never forget the bonds we made while I was there. That I’m sorry I couldn’t beat the statistic and for thinking that I was being a good friend by breaking contact. I’ve come to find that it was an act of selfishness. The inability to have self control, accountability, and respect for myself and my friendship to others. The responsibility we had to one another, to support each other’s journey.
I relinquished my responsibilities as a friend. I was a shit friend. I’m sorry for it but I’ve been too ashamed to show my face. I hope one they know how much they’ve helped me to grow, and that I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to them - or myself.