I had a dream about my Tia Lupe I held her in my arms and she died from one second to the next. I miss her so much. I’m thinking about her and my grandpa so much today that I’m overwhelmed with emotions. My dad told me to sell my grandpa’s walker; I guess it’s expensive. I hadn’t been able to part with it. Or look at it. I had it tucked away, folded, untouched. I don’t know why but I saw it. I took it out & opened it. I brought it out to the living room and Duke wagged his tail and got all excited. I followed him around with it the way my grandpa would. I was talking with my co-worker about the loss of my grandpa and how you learn to just suck it in. When you feel like you’re about to cry you just breathe in and suck it up. Keep going. Don’t cry. Don’t think about it. She recently lost her mom. She was there when it happened, just like me. When I said that about sucking it in she was like yeaaaahhh. We were talking about Gardenias. My grandpa planted one and I’ve been pruning it and shaping it since I got here. It was her mom’s favorite flower. When the first one bloomed I felt my grandpa’s hand clasp my cheek like he did in his last days. I thought they were done blooming. Right after we talked about it, they started blooming again! I haven’t let myself cry in a long time. Today is just hard. I miss them. I’m remembering and Duke is too. He’s always hiding out under my grandpa’s bed. It was real right? You remember too? My heart fills and empties at the same time because it’s just a memory now. I can’t suck it in. What is in? Where does it go? A dark part of the mind where we just don’t see it. Out of sight out of mind - within the mind?