Last night’s concert was strange. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, but I saw that I thought I was going to be entering a room full of judgemental people and I found myself to be extremely judgemental. There was a lot of middle-aged men in jorts hella getting into this shit. Then there were parts of the concert where the lead singer kept saying that all we are is whatever god says we are and people were getting all lit over it! Like yeah! Hallelujah! Amen! There was a dude yelling Hallelujah in my ear repeatedly all throughout . Towards the end I guess the whole situation was just kind of funny to me. There was a lot of times where I had to bite my lip or just hold in the laughter. These middle-age jort men hella dancing and grandpas like old white men all vibing and stuff little old ladies. It was just strange to me. I had never seen anything like it, but I also felt like an asshole cause these people are just enjoying themselves and hella singing even if they suck. They were totally themselves. I felt like I was seeing a side of them that people only in their inner circle would see. I thought this looks like me when I’m home getting all into some song. I was like man these look like the typically grouchy starbucks customer except they’re hella excited about this like arms in the air singing all loud and shit. I was like man, I don’t know if I’m into anything like this. To be all out in public belting shit. Maybe my first Odd Future concert. I don’t know I think I’m too awkward for all that shit. Or just like idk insecure about my singing abilities or something. Idk cause I know people are judgemental when they’re insecure about something so maybe I’m insecure about my ability to let loose despite whoever’s watching. So anyways it was a strange but cool experience, my aunt was super happy that I went. My dad called me when I was on my way to her house and when I told him what I was doing he started laughing all hard. I was like daaaad lmao that’s how I was at first too but I was talking to Robert about it last night and he told me not to be judgemental if anything it just means that everyone is going to be super nice. I guess I was just remembering that scene in Borat where he goes and there’s all those people speaking tongues

Now having re-watched that I realize how ridiculous I can be sometimes. But anyways he told me he was on his way to a fundraising dinner by himself. He always tells me that the renovation has been really stressful. I think he already has stressful work, then when he comes home - everyone there also has their own stresses. Kids with their school/Bridget wt the kids and her school shit. So everyone’s stressed out then they come home and the house still isn’t done yet. I can see how this whole situation could be problematic. I feel like my dad just wanted a night to get away from it. It’s not fixing the void though. I don’t know if it’s the ego stroke, like he’s used to people being in awe of him and like looking at him like he’s this giant brain, and wants that when he comes home. Then he comes home to stressed out people who miss him all the time, cause he’s missing their lives all the time doing what he does. As you get older the resentment sets in. I think with maturity you start to care less about what other people have, but when you’re young it’s like this huge competition. Growing up with two cousins who were the same age I always thought it was a competition. I wish someone had told me sooner that 10 years from now no one’s going to give a fuck about which iPod you have or whether you even have one. I think it’s shit like that and people trying to figure out who has the best what, families, moms, dads, grandparents, ect. Across the board it just sucks when someone’s not around. I mean I’m used to it but I think you have higher expectations of attention when you literally live with someone. I feel bad that someone rear-ended him and I’m so thankful that he’s okay, but I don’t think this would have happened if he had been home with family. Instead of out in search of a pat on the back or praise. But maybe that’s our problem too. I think we think he gets so much praise from others we roll our eyes and laugh or make light of when he talks about “You know your Dad’s kind of an important guy you know?” But to announce certain things like that maybe he’s just letting us know we’re not doing enough to make him feel like that. Self-reflection has to come hand in hand with criticism. Dad needs to do a better job of spending time making us all feel loved and appreciated, and we need to do the same for him. I often times drink to not feel sad about shit. When I see others at the store buying alcohol I think cheers, “To our sorrows!” But really cause we’re sorry. Sorry about something, something we did something we didn’t, goals we didn’t reach, drive we didn’t have - that now drive us to drink. In my head my Dad’s family was perfect. Educated and wealthy, privileged and religious. While that’s all true, nobody’s perfect. If they were why would a liver cancer surgeon drink at all knowing all too well the end result. Why would I drink as much as I do knowing? I don’t know I have this like in the Skeleton Key by Stephen King there’s this story about a spot on the water that grows as it consumes (humans) lol but to some degree I feel like I have this spot like that a darkness or sadness that either grows or shrinks but it’s always there. Lingering within. It’s been at bay lately. I’ve been keeping myself busy and looking forward to my trip and the future. I wonder what my future holds. Will I come back from France. People keep bringing up the movie Taken and all this other scary ass shit. I mean who knows if I’ll even make it to France. I could die any moment. We all could. “Because we do no know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet, everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps 20 and yet it all seems limitless.”

Long story short, be less judgemental, give more love. Find ways to give back. Understand that time is limited and death certain, but that’s why we must hope and appreciate while there’s time to. Try to live life fearlessly.