I think for a long ass time I was feeling like "Oh fuck, I've never liked anyone like this I have to do what I can to keep this person cause I would hate to lose them over a moment of honesty" Which is weird cause I felt like there was points in time where I was maybe too honest and brutal. I came to the realization that it doesn't matter how cool I am or the other person is; it never gives you the opportunity to treat anyone with anything other than mutual respect. I was so scared that he wouldn't want to hang out with me if I told him the truth about how I felt about him but that alone should have told me the reality of the situation I was living in. If someone's so ready to easily drop me for speaking my mind then I shouldn't mind that they want to drop me. After today I'm assured that things will only keep consistently getting better for me. If I allowed someone to treat me with such disrespect and unappreciation, what does that really say about how I must feel about myself? I claim to have such high confidence but if I did I would have had too high a respect for myself to allow someone to treat me so nonchalantly as if I was just someone who could be kept on the side. I know I didn't exactly treat him like he was the only one I would act super flirty and out there to I guess what I felt was incite him to want to make me just his but in reality probably made him think I didn't care about him at all and I'm also sure made him think I slept around when in reality I've only been with him and that's how I wanted it to stay. I was stuck wondering where it was that I went wrong or what I could have possibly done to make the situation different but maybe it was ultimately that this was supposed to be nothing other than a learning experience and for the longest time I was interpreting it as fate. I thought we were the same. To some degree I felt like I saw a lot of myself in him like we've both never had anybody give a real fuck about us like really love us I mean I had my Tia Lupe but he seemed to have not even that; someone who without obligation openly loved you to the fullest without any expectation or reciprocation. I guess I wanted to be that for him. Not saying I gave it my all like my Tia Lupe did for me but I think that I was trying to embody her in the process and show him a love I thought he'd never seen but at the same time I was trying to imitate him in his ability to show everyone how little he cares. It's like I was living both extremes. He wasn't always bad to me but there were moments where he treated me how I didn't deserve to be. He often treated me like dirt and I stuck like mud. Which I can't believe since that was something he would say all the time and I was subjected to the losing end of it all. But it's cool to see my own personal progress and growth when it comes to loving and losing. It really is crazy how nostalgia makes you feel like things were better than they really were. After seeing Joesph today I told Maritza that I couldn't wait until the day that I can go back to Martha's and not feel anything the way that I do when I go to Espy's and see Joesph. I'm glad to see myself progressing and not returning to my old ways of what only now seems to be a desperation for affection that I never even really received whole heartedly.