On the train right now. Haven’t been on the train since high school. Wait never mind I think Adri and I went to Sac for my birthday one time in my early 20s I forgot about that. It’s changed so much. They don’t have the food cart anymore. Damn I was really going through it yesterday. Fuck I forgot my daily affirmations. Maybe I’ll have to make new ones now anyways. Hopefully I still have an opportunity to work this weekend. I can always take this opportunity to work on a new restaurant resume. So when I get back on Monday I can go be a pest at Outback. Haber que even if I just get to have some bonding time wt my Dad too might be nice. I’m sad about leaving my coffee at home but it might be a nice excuse to walk the dog in the morning and get a little cafecito. I know I’ll miss my bed but it’ll be that much more comfortable when I get back. I hope it’s just my period that has me all down in the dumps I don’t want to be like this anymore. It still hurts but I think I’m finally hitting reality so it’s going to sting but I just have to push forward. I’m not making room for someone who will actually show up. I need to make space in my heart and let all this go.

I need to go to bed already so I can’t type for too long. I need to write about how I felt today. Maybe everything is only just setting in about the reality of how things were. I’m disappointed in myself for having some type of hope for another opportunity for us. I’m so grateful that everything was dismissed. It’s what I had been praying for. I thought I’d see him again. I can’t believe it’s been a year now since everything happened. I’ve been so sentimental lately. I typed out that I thought he would reach out but I guess if I was thinking I wouldn’t have thought that. I know she wasn’t saying it to hurt my feelings, but it did. Maybe I’m just being sensitive. She said he never liked me. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I feel used, disposable, and unwanted. I also feel brave, loving, and true of heart. I’m proud of myself. I’ve reached a point where I’ve grown angry that someone was so careless about my time, energy, and genuine care. I wanted so much for things to work out that I abandoned my own self-respect. There’s something else out there for me. I need to let go of the past. Hopefully with time I can overcome this hurt.