I had the night sweats again…

I was hoping to dream with my Tia Lupe. I can’t believe it’s almost been 10 years or omg it has been she passed in 2016. It feels like it in that it feels too long since I’ve hugged her, but I don’t want to start crying before work so I’ll chill on all that.

I have plans with my mom on Sunday. I’m going to get my film developed. We’re going to hit Trader Joe’s too. Damn I’m going to have to drop like $100 on developing fees ahhhhh.

It’s worth it oh well.

I think this Magic Keyboard is a good idea since my newer laptop isn’t working I haven’t been able to blog as often as I feel that I should.

Work’s been boring. Maybe I just need to get to know my co-workers more. I also woke up earlier because I thought to myself, “Maybe you’re irritated at work because you haven’t had a really nice full morning to get to do the things you enjoy.” Plus, I like taking my time to get ready. If I’m wanting to do a really bold eyeshadow that’s dark I have to be careful and take my time with it otherwise it will come out all chopped and screwed. Hopefully I keep blogging I’ll try my best to be more structured. I understand that I have to change my dream like the book I’m reading says. Live in a state of bliss or love. I stress myself out.

Working towards becoming more structured. I’ve come a long way. I’m proud of my capability to say what I really think even if people think I’m a bitch. That’s perfectly fine. Life is beautiful and I’m blessed. I’m grateful for my health, my family, and my friends.

I want to get a scanner to upload my family photos on my website. I was thinking of just doing like a timeline of all the photos I have that’d be sick it’d honestly take forever possibly but it’d be a cool work in progress type of thing. In a way the blog itself serves as its own whereas that one would be more so like film photography or photos shot on a digital camera vs phone. Anyways haber que.

I’ve been struggling to overcome these feelings due to back to back incidents. I’m scared of how I feel. What I’m going to feel when we see one another again. I’m afraid I’m wasting even more of my time on someone who doesn’t deserve it; I still feel like I’m doing the right thing though. I think it’s important for me to take these next 8 days to really focus on myself. Self love, nurturing, and preparing myself for how that day could potentially play out. Here and there I keep getting flash backs of this time last year. I wish I knew how much time this will take to heal. I’ve grown so much over the course of these months. I’m proud of myself. I’m grateful for the time we shared. It served as a mirror to the ways I needed to grow. I’ve been focusing on finding my inner balance of the feminine and masculine. I’m better about setting boundaries, and being honest about where I want to be, or how I wish to devote my energy. I’ve been practicing telling myself loving things every day. Developing better strategies to navigate my emotions, asking myself, “What am I afraid this means about me?”, whenever anxiety rises. Structure, focus, goals, and most importantly action. Applauding myself every time I make better choices that are more aligned with my true morals and inner compass. I’m anxious because despite all of this time I still have strong feelings for him, and I’m afraid of those feelings not being reciprocated. I’m also afraid of looking dumb in front of my friends again. I question if or how I can truly love myself when I’m actively hoping things will somehow resolve themselves between us. I’ve tried to go on dates with other guys, or even just casual attempts to move on. I haven’t been able to forget about the time we shared. Though it was fleeting, I’m so grateful to have experienced such tenderness.