Yesterday was an emotional day too. The anniversary of Dona Julia’s death. I told Livy about all the things I had been writing about. How I was having a hard time getting over Z. She was like well it’s like that for a bit then with time you’re just like whatever about it. When I spoke with Kacey she was like I’m just not like that if someone has me feeling some type of way I have to say something. If it’s killing me to not talk to him then I should say something. Why does it take near death or potentially deadly situations for me to express my truth? I keep reminding myself that what’s meant for me is already mine. No amount of space or time can stop destiny. I want to keep applying to different places and hopefully I can leave Starbukis. Or step down as just barista. We’ll see. I also know that I can get up early and still play dress up in a sense and just change before work and I would still get that feeling that you get when your outfit is on point. I want to make more money so I can see the world. All things are possible if I put my mind to it. Amelia’s right though, I left the ball in his court and he told me he didn’t want to be with me. He has my number and knows where to find me if he really wanted to reach out. It’s hard because I’m dying to reach out to him, and I know how to reach him; I’m not brave enough. I understand that there’s the chance that he’ll reject me again, or that he’ll just want to be friends. I don’t just want to be friends. Or I couldn’t torment myself in that way. Or if he started dating someone else I wouldn’t want to see that. Maybe later on down the road, right now I can’t hardly even bear the thought. The audio book Samara suggested has me realizing what I lowkey already knew, I was acting as a subset of a ‘Pick Me’ girl, ‘the cool girl’ the one who’s okay with everything. Not that I’m wanting to get crazy about everything, but I should vocalize things that bother me there in the moment. I think I’m doing good by sweeping things under the rug but it ends up snowballing into something bigger. As much as I care about him, I know there was things I didn’t like about him. I want someone who calls me to see how I’m doing, good morning text messages are sweet, but a call sets the tone for the day lets me know you’re checking in and are curious about me, what I have planned for the day, and how you want to be on my mind. I know it’s not always possible but the text should only be if there’s no way you can make a call. I want someone who’s curious to know how my day went. They want to know if it was good or bad, if it was bad how they can make it better; because just that call would make it better. Knowing that someone cares enough to listen to me and ask me about my day. I’m not a needy girl I like simple things. Surprise me with flowers they’re literally $5, Costco pizza is only $2, Agua de Kefirs are $2.49. A hand full of things at the thrift store yesterday only cost me $10 it’s not like I’m asking for the world. Just get to know what I like and show me that you’re listening to me. Even flowers on the first date I don’t think is a big ask. Show effort, demonstrate how you’re trying to set yourself apart from the other potential suitors.

Man, I’ve really been struggling emotionally the last couple of days. I don’t know if I’ve been stirred up with seeing my Tia and reconnecting with her, as well as having to take accountability for my actions before my sobriety, missing my Grandpa, and missing Z. I know my Grandpa would be proud of me for the things I’ve been doing. I’m proud of me. It’s not easy work. It’s hard to face what a careless person I’ve been with people’s hearts, even my own. Yesterday’s art exhibit was so inspiring. It was so moving to see people come together for the culture. Talking with my Tia over lunch I realized it’s kind of crazy how blessed I am to have a life full of loving people surrounding me. Family and friends. She told me how she never really grew up having friends. As I get older and get to know people I see how rare it is, and I am grateful that I’ve been able to share my life with people who have love and accepted me despite my flaws. I’m truly moved. Though I’m sad I have yet to find someone to share my life with in a romantic sense, I see that I definitely do not lack love. Friendships that have stood the test of time, cousins I see as brothers; who I’m closer to than even my own siblings. I’m so blessed. Something to consider would be that I would not have been able to develop these relationships if I had had a romantic partner. I devise that I would have invested my time in that person rather than developing these lifelong loves. It makes me reflect on something Robert said to me about how sometimes he felt that if I ever found someone he would have to mourn our relationship in a sense. I’ve been questioning that quote in great depth about how it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. If that’s true, or in what sense. If I could choose, would I take back my experience with Z? If I could choose, one relationship with someone, or all of the friendships I’ve developed over the years? Am I destined to just live a life of platonic love? I see the sadness my Tia is going through, I see what my Grandpa went though losing both my Grandma and Carmelita. I had to stop reading the book that I was reading about the woman who is losing her loved one to cancer because it was too sad for me. Not that I want to constantly invalidate my own feelings of sadness, but I feel guilty sometimes when I reflect on the pain and suffering of others. They’re not a stepping stone for me to feel better, but I just wonder to myself how I can feel the way that I do and my time with this person was so short lived. I spent more time longing for them than I was actually able to spend with them. I’m still longing for them. Trying to fill the void with nature and platonic love. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to somebody for over 50 years and lose them to death. In my book they’ve only been together 5 years and it’s still awful. It seems that their life was just beginning with one another. Then I feel guilty feeling sad at all when I see the suffering happening all over the world. I feel so silly being so sad over someone who I know how to reach, where to find, and have the means but not the courage to. We’re coming up on the anniversary of our coming together. The first time I nearly lost him. How it moved me to act in ways that I never would have dared to. I’m so grateful he’s still here. I think I stay away because I’m scared I’m wrong about how I feel, or that my feelings aren’t reciprocated. I’m also scared that I’m going to hurt him because I’m too afraid to speak my truth in the moment. I’ll act out in ways that contradict how my heart feels towards him. Or that I’ll live my truth and he won’t like who he sees. I could have potentially lost him again and it softened my pride, I let him in again. Only to be hurt again. We hurt each other. We shouldn’t have treated each other the way we did. I’m working hard to be the best version of myself so that I don’t ever put myself in this position again. Heartbreak is inevitable but I need to learn how to address the hard conversations. Respect my boundaries, and communicate what they are. Never be afraid of what people will think, and always come from a place of love not fear. Most importantly love myself. That’s what’s made this distance so hard. I question whether or not caring for him means I don’t love myself. I choose to not look at his social media because I think it’s bad for me, does that mean on some subconscious level that I really think he’s bad for me? I’m at odds with my head and my heart. It’s been an internal battle I’ve been fighting for quite a bit. It makes me want to just give it up all together. My heart won’t let me forget. I wish I could believe all the terrible things people have said about him, yet I find myself smiling when I reminisce having him near. He opened my heart in ways I never even wanted it to be. In some ways I thought my heart was closed off. I don’t know what will happen in the end, but I’ll forever appreciate the ways he made me soft. I miss him dearly and I wish I could hold him in my arms again.