Getting better at setting boundaries and standing up for myself and others. I’m proud of myself for my progress. I can only control so much but there are a few elements I can alter about my surroundings if I vocalize my needs in the moment. I pushed myself to speak my peace a few times today and it worked out. Work was eh. It was kind of a rough day for me. I’m proud of where I’m going and I forgive myself for where I’ve been. I guess I’m just disheartened by the reality of love. In the end self-love is the only thing that really matters. People will disappoint you, leave you, die before you, etc. You have to be able to love yourself enough to carry yourself through the many disappointments in life. I guess I just had this movie soul-mate idea of love. It’s just not real. I’m mourning the fantasy. I’ve been listening to Natanael Cano’s Diamantes on repeat crying. I’m okay though. I’m not who I was before. Trying to be more grounded and live in the present, not look too far back, or forward. Searching for my inner peace even when the waters get choppy. Maybe my inner-child is disappointed my Dad’s not going to be able to make it this weekend. I’m still working on finding comfort in disappointment. Understanding that my emotions shouldn’t be dictated by things that are out of my control. The week went by so quickly. I don’t want to be afraid of the things I’ve been asking for in this life. I know in my heart what I want. I have to be fearless surrounding the love in my life. I’m not always going to know all the answers. I can seek guidance, but part of life is the unknown. The pleasant surprises. I’m disappointed in not having something to look forward to this weekend to keep my mind occupied. I’ll have to make new plans. That still help me feel like I’m healing and grateful for the people I have in my life. Maybe this song makes me cry because he’s acting like he’s happy with all this shit, but he looks numb in the video. The instrumentals pull at my heart.

Had a great day. Work was good. Got to work with Spencer, he’s a clown he cracks me up. I’m sad he’s morning/mid. I wish he was a closer. I love playful banter. He makes me ugly laugh. Today he was talking about how he was telling his friend about how my cousin and I were slamming our bussy’s on the ground. I was laughing so hard, I was like, “Why did you tell your friend that?” He said because it’s funny. Lmao, “Then the neighbors called the cops on them!” I told him, “Your friend is probably like, ‘And this is your supervisor?” omg we were laughing so hard. He and Christian said they’re going to start a cooking show I was like can I be in on it? They were like we’re gonna be shadowing you the whole time, the show is completely dependent on you and your cooking but then you’re only featured in the title, “Cooking Bros ft. Alicia” or “Cooking Brothers and Alicia sometimes”. He called me Alicialations today nobody’s ever called me that, that was hilarious. What a good time. I talked to Robert today briefly, I told him about yesterday and how I’m learning how to self-soothe. I just wished I’d had more time to talk to him. I feel bad it was like word vomit, I need to learn how to ask and listen rather than try to get all I can out before time is up. He said I have to come to terms with the fact that this guy is probably not good for me. I think he sees what’s happening to Bella and doesn’t want that to be my story. I understand it’s coming from a place of concern. Also, first and foremost he doesn’t even want to be with me so I need to accept that. Secondly, neither one of us were good for each other and the place we were last month. I’ve already grown so much in such a short amount of time. I’m learning how to love myself. I did a cord cutting today and soul ritual bath. Basking in gratitude and releasing what no longer serves. I’ve done a few, but I have to keep doing it. What’s meant for me is already mine. I’m manifesting the highest version of myself. Someone who sees me in the sea of people. The love I’m looking for will meet me where I stand. I want someone to grow with. I’ve been very intuitive lately. Divine timing is acknowledging my work. Aligning me with what I need. I hope I get to see my Tia Gloria this weekend when I see my Dad. I also saw Rita the other day at Costco. I’d like to reach out to her and let her know I’m sorry for the disconnect. I’m learning how to mend. Not everything is easy and not everything will work out but I’m wanting to try. I didn’t want to change. I just wanted to get out of my DUI. I didn’t want to admit that I had commonalities with the people in the home, or at the AA meetings. I didn’t want to admit I had a problem. I wanted to act like I just had bad luck. I wasn’t like them. I had mental division. Them and me. I’m grateful for the ways life has shaped me and forced me to recognize who I was, and that I’ve had the strength to change the things I didn’t like about myself. I’m working towards the person I want to be every day. I’ve been writing, and doing my journal prompts. Manifesting. Being honest about the things I want in this life. Facing my truths without self-hate. Pushing myself to do the things I want to even if I’m scared.