Maybe I have the post vacation blues like Livy calls it. It’s all fun and games, then back to reality. I’m thankful to be busy and working so much. I fell off from my housework. Trying to catch up and get my house to where I like it. Yard work is next. My lawn looks like shit. I need to start watering everything too. I don’t want the plants to die. My indoor plants need some love too. I’ve been revisiting old Kanye albums too. Graduation and My Dark Twisted Fantasy. They’ve always helped me boost my confidence in times of depression. I’m not depressed right now though. I’m just heartbroken. I’ve been praying to stop caring about him. I’ve been doing the work and I feel a lot better about myself, my confidence, and my mental-health. I know the changes I need to make. I acknowledge the growth I’ve been making, and have gratitude for the enlightenment I’ve gained through this period of sadness. It’s weird I’m in a paradox of feeling like I like staying busy with work to keep my mind off things, yet I never have time for my own work. Also slightly reclusive. I don’t want to hang out with people I want to read, write, and work on my business. I’m at a point where I’d rather write and essentially talk to myself, or rather visualize my thoughts than talk to my friends. Visiting the boys makes me want to move back to the bay. I came back supposedly to be with family but I don’t really even do that. I can always visit whoever I do want to see. It’s nice having my own place but I feel like I want to get out of here. I wonder what’s here for me. I want to leave. Make new friends. It’d be different. I’d be in a better headspace, have my own room, and actually have a license. I’d even be down to get my own place out there. I wonder if I could find something that’s about the same price range. Or if the boys would even have me there again lol. Or even potentially with Livy. Who knows things may just level out here too. I’m just trying to run away I think. Ready for a new beginning. I think it’s different when you move somewhere and don’t have friends it’s because you haven’t established yourself. Here I guess I just feel alone because the friends I have are usually too busy or don’t make time. I just have to keep busy too or make new friends. Either way I can’t move anywhere until January. I’m just exploring my options. I’m getting better though. Day by day it’s going to get easier for me. It’s hard when you imagined yourself with the person you’ve cared about so deeply for for long. I have to accept the reality of what it really was, and how it’s over now. I think that’s why I’ve been fantasizing about moving away that’d make it permanent. There’s still a small part of me that has hope that he’ll reach out to me.

So tired right now. Woke up at 7, packed up all my shit, grabbed coffee, gas, and zip ties to put together my car lol. Made it home with 20 min to get ready for work. I hope my sleep schedule is fixed now though. I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight. I feel like I’m living on fumes and coffee. Caught up with Chris, Livy, and Robert on the way back down. I was tripping out on Robert’s friend. I see a lot of similarities between us. We both got our DUI’s around the same time, she got a lawyer and hers was reduced to a Wet & Reckless. They told me she’s still drinking and driving and now she’s in this toxic relationship with this very controlling person. I admit I was having a hard time this weekend I think because I took a break from my reading, writing, and healing work. I had an awesome time over there. Lots of laughter and bonding. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by so many people who love me. I’m grateful to be able to have free time, a car, a license, and be bodily able to go and do the things I did, and saw. I just can’t help but miss him. It’s hard though because I see Robert’s friend’s situation and reflecting on the path she’s on in comparison to me it’s jarring. I need some time but I know things ended for the best. If we hadn’t ended I would’ve never started this healing journey, I wouldn’t have reached out to the boys, and I wouldn’t have gone this weekend. Even having to take accountability and suffering the full consequences of my DUI - I’m grateful for all of it now. Not that she needs my pity, but I feel bad for her that she’s on this reckless path. It propels me to continue what I’m doing, and also be more appreciative for things not working out. Everything happens for a reason. I needed to do this healing work. Seeing what she’s done, and the ways she’s acting out of desperation and fear of being alone, highlights the way I was acting. I’m thankful to have willpower that I didn’t have. I still had an amazing time and didn’t feel the need to drink, or even tempted to. I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come.