12/24/20

Laughing with Kacey about our trip to Cancun man what an embarrassment I was. Lmfao like next level embarrassment. Wow. Hahaha I deleted the more embarrassing shit this morning. We were laughing about how Amelia had been all stingy at her birthday dinner and she was all counting the change. Meanwhile I was letting it all hang out hahahaha especially on the booze cruise 😂 Livy knows what I mean! Getting all mad that they were hating on my outfit. Drinking the worm tequila. Smoking a crusty joint on the beach. Livy wiping her ass with $5 after they were trying to charge Amelia for a birthday shot when she had literally been all asleep on the bar. Jeorge getting all drunk with those two weird white guys on the beach and woke up soaking wet in his bed. He almost missed his excursion. Aaaaaaayyyayyyayyay. I’m one annoying girl.

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12/24/20

Still having pretty bad back, shoulder, and neck pain. My nose feels painfully dry. My throat is sore.I think I started showing symptoms on the 27/28 not sure what day that puts me at right now. I went to sleep on time but woke up early. I don’t remember having any dreams. I need to set daily goals for myself. I want to keep journaling regularly so as to recount this pandemic in a more valid way than just my memory; when let’s face it this is a time we’d just like to forget. Not sure if I mentioned yesterday that I received my, as Chris say, “clitoris check” hahahaha my stimulus check of $600. I woke up yesterday and the first thing I did was open up Twitter and I saw that Joe Biden was trying to tweet some optimistic bullshit and I responded “Shut up bitch, where’s my money you old fart?!” Then I checked my bank account and had to delete the tweet lmfao.

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12/24/20

I’m going back to my roots. I remember diving into music or my work and remembering why I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m in love with my photos, my clothes, myself and the people who I surround myself with. I am very blessed in so many ways. Everyone has been checking up on me. I appreciate what I have and the opportunities I have to continually grow. Let’s see if I make it that far. I know I have good genes but I think I’m dying I always think I’m dying. I hope I’m able to just build immunity.

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12/24/20

I’m grateful for Blondey reminding me about the importance of gratitude. I too want to focus on how I can be more of service to others. Finding better ways to communicate with others. I also need to realize my strengths. His video on Addiction is really great. Today he posted a photo celebrating his 4th year of sobriety. He said that while everyone’s journey is different one thing for certain that you will realize your own personal strength. I’ve been distracted from the things that I truly care about reading, writing, photography, fashion, gardening. I see things brighter for myself. I can actually see a future now. But, I feel like I have such shitty luck that who knows what could happen to me now that I have covid. I should have been safer. I think I had already been so luck aaaaaand now I have the lucky compass. But, I could just be all asshurt because I got blocked which I lowkey am buuuuut at the same time maybe I just got lucky. After all I am currently the owner of a lucky compass. I’m going to ship my film out. I wonder if they repair cameras I’m going to be so hurt if my Nikon EM is broken.

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12/24/20

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Today was okay. I’m still processing how I’ve landed myself into this place I’m at in life. So far no serious symptoms. My nose goes from being dry to runny and my throat is itchy. This morning when I woke up I felt like someone had beat me up. I told Kacey that it felt like while I was sleeping some hit me with a bag of potatos. It was not a productive day for me. I woke up early but idk the day just dragged on. I can’t believe Chris doesn’t like MF DOOM or Jazz. Maybe it just makes him sad because he said his mom liked Jazz and wine and that sometimes I remind him of her. That was really sweet of him to say. I regret changing the subject I think I do this thing where I preventing myself from getting emotional by running things over. Not thinking about them or walking away. I think people think it’s me being cold but I just don’t want to cry or something. There’s a lot of things in this world that are so bittersweet or idk I can really feel other people’s emotions and before I do I just want to disassociate myself from it. Earlier when my Nina was telling me about how she’s been taking my Tio Rudy’s death really hard. I know it may seem like I’m being cold. But I’m not. Idk I think everyone has different opinions surrounding death. RIP MF DOOM. Life is misery but it’s also beauty and death is the same. I think you just have to experience both to become accustomed to that reality. It doesn’t make me cold I just see it. I can’t get lost in my emotions which is why I just change the subject or walk away, or hold it in/hold back. Like the other day when I was on my way to work and my Tio Pepe stopped to talk to me to ask why I didn’t come by for Xmas. I told him I get shy sometimes. He asked me why I would want to spend Christmas alone instead of with family. “We’re your family mija, we love you. I don’t ever personally send invites because I feel like you guys already know you can come over whenever.” I really had to hold back. I wanted to cry. It was very sweet of him bittersweet because I know I just was being a strange little creature. I haven’t been myself. When was the last time I did any of the things I love? Instead I’m having a “senti-mental” day questioning if I will survive this, who else of my family will, and being sad about the opportunities I never took. Better stated, was too afraid to take. I am proud of myself for somewhat putting myself out there with someone I had always had a crush on but they were always in a relationship. I realize that my problem is that I feel that well starting something was the biggest battle and I did that so that’s good enough. I start things and I never finish. I’m tired of being scared. Chris said he feels bad for me because he thinks I never take chances because I’m afraid of losing or of rejection. But he said everyone gets rejected. It’s true and I always say that it’s not fair that I have turned people down and what people aren’t allowed to reject me? Lmao Chris said, “Life doesn’t work like that Leech.” I am grateful that I started running and getting in shape. I am going to continue to get fit and work on my confidence and fearlessness. i need to try to untie the knots within myself that hold me back. It’s okay to express emotions and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is brave. I can be afraid of things but I can’t live in fear.