Today was okay. I’m still processing how I’ve landed myself into this place I’m at in life. So far no serious symptoms. My nose goes from being dry to runny and my throat is itchy. This morning when I woke up I felt like someone had beat me up. I told Kacey that it felt like while I was sleeping some hit me with a bag of potatos. It was not a productive day for me. I woke up early but idk the day just dragged on. I can’t believe Chris doesn’t like MF DOOM or Jazz. Maybe it just makes him sad because he said his mom liked Jazz and wine and that sometimes I remind him of her. That was really sweet of him to say. I regret changing the subject I think I do this thing where I preventing myself from getting emotional by running things over. Not thinking about them or walking away. I think people think it’s me being cold but I just don’t want to cry or something. There’s a lot of things in this world that are so bittersweet or idk I can really feel other people’s emotions and before I do I just want to disassociate myself from it. Earlier when my Nina was telling me about how she’s been taking my Tio Rudy’s death really hard. I know it may seem like I’m being cold. But I’m not. Idk I think everyone has different opinions surrounding death. RIP MF DOOM. Life is misery but it’s also beauty and death is the same. I think you just have to experience both to become accustomed to that reality. It doesn’t make me cold I just see it. I can’t get lost in my emotions which is why I just change the subject or walk away, or hold it in/hold back. Like the other day when I was on my way to work and my Tio Pepe stopped to talk to me to ask why I didn’t come by for Xmas. I told him I get shy sometimes. He asked me why I would want to spend Christmas alone instead of with family. “We’re your family mija, we love you. I don’t ever personally send invites because I feel like you guys already know you can come over whenever.” I really had to hold back. I wanted to cry. It was very sweet of him bittersweet because I know I just was being a strange little creature. I haven’t been myself. When was the last time I did any of the things I love? Instead I’m having a “senti-mental” day questioning if I will survive this, who else of my family will, and being sad about the opportunities I never took. Better stated, was too afraid to take. I am proud of myself for somewhat putting myself out there with someone I had always had a crush on but they were always in a relationship. I realize that my problem is that I feel that well starting something was the biggest battle and I did that so that’s good enough. I start things and I never finish. I’m tired of being scared. Chris said he feels bad for me because he thinks I never take chances because I’m afraid of losing or of rejection. But he said everyone gets rejected. It’s true and I always say that it’s not fair that I have turned people down and what people aren’t allowed to reject me? Lmao Chris said, “Life doesn’t work like that Leech.” I am grateful that I started running and getting in shape. I am going to continue to get fit and work on my confidence and fearlessness. i need to try to untie the knots within myself that hold me back. It’s okay to express emotions and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is brave. I can be afraid of things but I can’t live in fear.
