I’ve been feeling better about everything. I don’t know why it’s not like things with COVID-19 are better. It’s actually getting increasingly worse as the days go by. I’m happy to know I don’t have to return to work until June 1st wt pay. That makes me feel safer but it reminds me of that Drive-In movie scene in Grease about the blob or like lava in the volcano movies. It’s quickly but slowly encroaching it’s existence into my space. My mental space, physical space, etc. These walls help. I feel physically more in shape with these work outs and walks. Even though I haven’t been watching what I eat very much. I caved and bought hot Cheetos yesterday. My facial rash is going away. If it’s the foundation I’m sad. If it’s the lemon I’m also sad. I love lemon and even though the foundation was a bit too dark for me I was excited to do my make-up. That was interrupted this past Monday too wt the drama that was going on due to COVID-19 and my dad getting upset feeling as though we weren’t following the rules. I am. It feels like it’s everywhere though. You can take as many precautions as you want and drive yourself nuts but even doctors and nurses are getting this and bringing it back to their families. I’ve limited my drinking and smoking. It sucks I miss smoking my joints freely throughout the day whenever I feel like it. I lasted longer w/o smoking than I did w/o drinking. Not out of personal preference just bc I’m taking it easy on my lungs. It’s really hard to focus wt this shit too man. My paranoia grows with the numbers. If I die it’d suck, but I haven’t taken care of myself in the recent years. I’ve been looking back more than forward. The outlook is bleak. Hopefully my body is not as weak as my mindset has been lately. I could’ve been handling shit this whole time. Time flies

This whole situation definitely has be going through ups and downs. I’m scared for different reasons. I worry for my family. I worry for myself. I get disappointed about things I haven’t done yet that I imagined myself one day doing. I stopped smoking. I’ve made the switch to edibles. I attempted making olive oil and messed up the first time. Last night I successfully made the best brownie edibles I’ve ever tasted. It was a box of brownie mix + directions +marijuana butter/vegetable oil+cinnamon+ vanilla extract. Not sure exactly how potent they are but they’re delicious.

You would think that with all this time on my hands I would be more productive and accomplish more of the things I always say I have no time to do. It’s complicated it’s like I can’t fully concentrate on things. All conversations center around how the virus is spreading, how people have been careless, how gov’t handling of containment; or lack there of. I read something the other day on twitter about how we’re fighting Corona virus and stupidity. I saw something else about how Donald Trump is promoting ideologies of American Exceptionalism - creating the belief that the economy; monetary gain is of greater importance than a foreign virus. Touches on disassociation theory. If it’s a “Chinese” virus, it’s not an American problem. It’s a problem that’s devastating other countries, but America’s the country renowned for being the greatest health care system in the world. Yet, they’re lowering the protective gear standards, teaching medical staff how to re-use gloves and masks. These people are risking their lives, and instead of accessing all possible venues to get them the materials they need - the American people are being lied to causing them to spread the virus; flooding the hospitals past capacity. Therefore, putting my family members at a greater risk, and myself included at spreading this disease at a rate of up to 53,000 per person that gets it.

I worry about the people in other parts of the world who are more vulnerable to this type of situation; who are far less prepared. It hasn’t hit this area yet as badly as New York. Doctors say what they are seeing is Apocalyptic. It’s sad that so many people are dying and thinking that I may be one of those to fall victim to it. It puts things into perspective for me and the way I haven’t been taking care of myself as well as I should have. If my body fails me - it’s because I’ve failed my body. Years of smoking/drinking. Taking my life for granted. I’ve lived a good life though. I’ve made beautiful relationships throughout my life. If I die from this I think people will know I had a good honest heart, I was funny, friendly, idk I think it’s sad that a lot of people are dying alone. I know we all die alone but it’s strange how being there by their side makes you feel better because you can say all the things you never got to say.

I worry about the homeless. There’s hardly any local shit available to them, they are very susceptible. Lack of hygiene and resources. I’m disappointed about people’s unwillingness to lend a helping hand. I myself, only made a few calls and asked a few questions to the Bob Link’s office ,Devin Nunes’ office, who gave me Gavin Newsom’s office’s number, etc. They kept giving me different numbers to call. Most questions were answered with “I don’t know”

Their lack of authority will lead to the spread of this COVID-19. I hope that people realize the many inequalities, and flaws within the capitalist society. The Prison Systems, the Police, Government allocated spending (providing Police Force/ICE with masks before hospital staff as priority), the immigrants being held captive at modern day concentration camps; at risk against their will. The many people around the world who will die from lack of treatment, lack of preparation, and lack of intellectual capacity to have self-control.