Feeling strange and nostalgic about the past. What could have been but never was. I’ve held but never had. Seen but never felt. Imagined and hoped for. Illusional memory. Subconsciously drifting; cutting through new waters with the same wade. Same pace, different place. Different people - same floating, same drifting, floating along. The light peaking through the leaves, through the shade; the cold.

Remember that time Danny and I dove into the water. We just went with it. Daring and cold. Fucking stinging nettle. It was exciting and I felt adventurous. I wonder if the trees saw a different side of me that day. I’m usually there in my spot - trolling. Stoic, pensive, and resting. Lost in nature. Running to run away. Running to catch my breath. To reach the bridge, and troll. Think and smoke. Am I scared? Maybe I should be. Maybe I should be afraid to rest on the soft sand of the bottom of a creek. A tired traveler gets weary sometimes. The sand is so inviting and my eyes are heavy.

-This is about escapism, being daring, and getting away from your troubles taking a nap in quiet woods on soft sands. How beautiful and silent it can be but also dangerous. What if you’re sleeping unsuspecting of any type of danger, and it creeps it’s way in. Even though it’s possible you do it anyways because of the tranquility and beauty. It’s worth the daring adventure despite the risks.

Finished reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It had me re-thinking a multitude of media with racial tones. I thought it was a light enjoyable read minus the racial tones which I historically understood to be what white people thought at the time and if anything Mark Twain thought he was being polite and kind to black people when he wrote about them. Anyways I remembered how I thought to write about this disappointment to find such racially charged negatively worded supposed classic. Here and there excitable hillbilly tale of white kids in a tale of events that would never really take place. When I finished it I felt a sense of wow so that’s it? This is an American classic.

Finished watching Reservoir Dogs(yesterday/today) and I have reflected on my open criticisms towards Tom Sawyer whilst I hold Tarantino films to a high regard. This is a conflicting opinion as I have come to the opinion that while he uses dialogue that is derogatory towards black people, he simultaneously uses black culture to be cool; culturally appropriates while being negative- from a white male perspective.

I was going to watch Pulp Fiction next and I began to realize a pattern. I remembered watching an interview where Tarantino was upset he was being questioned about violence in the media, and his use of the n-word in his films. Many would go as far as to claim he uses narratives and his white privilege to create films where he’s able to write narratives which he feels are historically accurate in their use of racism. As far as representation and blacksploitation goes; Tarantino is able to be racist while appealing to popular culture with his culturally appropriated soundtracks.

He has been criticized about his racist dialogues, and narrows it down to historical accuracy but it’s upsetting to Black Americans to hear about black perspective from a white male perspective. It speaks more on the cultural diversity of film making in Hollywood. It’s prioritizing of ensuring cultures feel represented in their media.

I often feel disappointed in people when I hear they haven’t seen certain films, or heard of directors, movies, actors, etc. I would recommend Tarantino films, but now that I think about it I think about what his films really mean. Their culturally appropriated white perspective. He’s known for great soundtracks. Big deal, another white male taking credit for the great musical works of people of color.

Anyways it’s true what they say about cultural representation. I decided against watching Pulp Fiction and began watching Halloween instead. I think about all these movies I have and how few movies I have where there is a main character who is a strong female Mexican lead role.

It’s important to have people to look up to. Role models. It’s disappointing to think about how Tarantino can put out these films. Which I thought of for a long time as great. Especially Django. But, now I feel as though when we come to think about how his use of the n-word has come under fire. It could be possible that he’s using historical accuracy as an excuse to use this language.

Black culture doesn’t get the same opportunities to express it’s art in film and cinematography nor do many other people of color. However, there are exceptions. I admire Vicente Fernandez’s film's; especially El Arracadas. It’s an amazing timeless film. My grandpa said the horses were malhecho so other than that the soundtrack, Vicente, the cinematography, the dress, are great. We as a Mexican culture have Mexican actors, singers, directors, etc. It’s upsetting to consider a reality where we as a culture weren’t allowed into this sphere of entertainment the way Black Americans are subjected to. It’s disappointing especially because of the cultural appropriation that also takes place alongside the racial exclusion.

I am also confuse about Tarantino’s foot fetish. He is a terrible actor. Not to be mean but he’s also pretty ugly. He was Mr. Brown in Reservoir Dogs because he’s ugly as shit.