Nervous about my trip to France. Excited but I think other’s doubt has gotten to me to some degree. I’ve been reading Moby Dick. I really like it so far, I’ve been reading a chapter or two a day and I’m close to pg 200. I’m sad I’m not fluent in French yet. I’m trying to stay on task with my little to-do list cycle shit! Things are going well so far. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. This morning I was thinking about how I felt conflicted about this shit that Tyler had retweeted. He was talking about how his bank account or some shit trying to put someone else down in the crowd. All that person had to say was “Yeah you have all that in your bank account but you’re still alone” and they would’ve hella killed him. Then I thought back to that post yesterday where he was trying to find something to do. It’s like you can have all this money, fame, and still not have shit to do on Halloween. I think the key to keeping loneliness away is staying busy. When you’re mind and body are busy, you don’t have time to think about things. Memories are great, they bring warmth and smiles, but they bring sadness too because you remember that they were long ago and might never happen again. I also told myself that every time I saw myself in any reflection I would work on my posture as that would be true reflection and change. lol.

I need to start doing more of the things I love. I need to grow. I look at what Samara is doing and am proud because despite people thinking she was taking a route that was unorthodox she is successful and happy. Surrounded by friends who she gets to call her co-workers. I feel like I’m this weird little extraordinary person who is suspended by this hyper reality of what I think I need to do. I feel like because people consider me to be ‘smart’ I need to get my degree. In reality I don’t give a fuck about a BA or school at all really, I’m just doing it because I’m tired of feeling like I have to limit myself financially because of my income. I know I can do it because I’m capable but I really don’t care. I feel like I don’t care about a lot of things. I don’t care about shit, I have no drive, and I had a dream but I feel like I put it on hold to fulfill what others expect or feel that I’m capable of. I’ve been lazy and lost. It feels good to know I’m intellectually capable of doing this shit and I’ve known that all along but I think it’s just hard to feel like you’re not really invested in it. I don’t know what I want anymore. Life has been fine but stagnant. Still. Very still and very disappointing. I want to feel again. I want to strive and feel alive. I want to dream but I hate that I’m so easily discouraged. I wallow. I bathe in self-pity and loneliness. I feel like I’m suspended in this uncertain perpetual nothing. It’s so bi-polar because I thought things were finally working out for me. Life calls; life sometimes sucks balls. Like, I’m not suicidal or anything like that I just feel like what the ‘fuck where is this shit going man’? I’m a rainbow of emotions. It’s just hard to feel like there’s not an escape. I feel so annoying when I say stupid shit like that because there is an escape, I am my own escape, I just haven’t been drawing it out for myself. I think that’s what’s been hard. Someone the other day mentioned about how someone tried to but them down by saying, “Oh yeah, I heard you have potential…” and I told them well technically that’s just an adjective or a preamble to a follow up, like really you’re capable of doing whatever you want to do in life. It made me question the things I really want in life. Is it easier feeling like you’re never going to get to a destination and not trying than it is to try and not get there. It’s easier to say you could’ve than you didn’t and didn’t bother. In reality that’s why I’m bothered.