I had such an amazing time with my family. It just made me feel like such an idiot too. I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for lost time. It felt so good to just spend time together. I think it's fair to say we all enjoyed it. I hope they come back soon. There were moments when my step-mom and I were together and I just wanted to shout, "I'M SORRY, I WAS A YOUNG ARROGANT, IGNORANT, STUPID TEEN FOR EVER HAVING THROWN AWAY MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOU GUYS" But it's not enough nothing feels like it will ever be enough. I have so many things that I'm sorry for. Not just to her but to my whole family; my Dad, my siblings, and her family. They were my family too at one point and now I feel like I'll never get to see them again. If I do I'll be wearing so much shame I'm not sure they'd recognize me. She was always kind, understanding, and able to put herself in the position of others. She's one of my great teachers of life. It makes me think of when I was talking to my Tia Lupe and I tried to apologize for being a shitty kid when I was little. It's like I liked to get a rise out of people. When my Tia Lupe was dying we each had an opportunity to talk to her individually. I tried to think of all the shitty things I had ever done and apologize for them. She couldn't speak, but her eyes spoke to me. She didn't care about any of that she just loved me and i just loved her. I miss her all the time. I know she's not gone; she's just with me in a different way, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. (1.1.18)