Very proud of myself. It was super hard to call my Tia Vero today but I did it. One thing about her she says everything that’s on her mind. I didn’t talk about how I was struggling with substance abuse for a bit, but I don’t think I need to tell everyone about what I’ve been passing through. I know truth clears shame, but it’s just hard to feel like I’m disappointing people. On the other hand though it’d be more disappointing if I was still on that path. We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow so who knows maybe we’ll get to that. She was talking to me about how she was passing through depression and how the gym and her travels have helped but she still hasn’t been able to feel better about how she’s lost my uncle. I told her I can’t imagine what she’s going through but that she’s lucky she was able to find a love like what they shared and to have shared such a beautiful life together for so long. Most people don’t get that opportunity. I go back and forth, I think it’s that book I was reading about the woman whose husband is dying from cancer and how they choose to not talk about death at all, but they both know it’s coming. I’m so sad about this recent heartbreak and it wasn’t even that long, and I often think I’m mourning the fantasy of what we could have been more so than what we really were. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when I experience the heartbreak of someone who I’ve shared years with. It’s also different because what’s separating these people is death, I wonder what’s harder to cope with someone just not wanting to be with you or death. I had to be honest with the guy that I went on the date with the other day and let him know I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further. I was kind about it though. I just let him know I stopped seeing someone I really cared about two months ago and I thought I was ready to start dating again, but I’m not. It was also that he was coming on too strong he was making me feel like I had a potential stalker on my hands. I think I am ready to find someone else, I just want them to be someone who makes me laugh, and feel secure. This guy made me feel like I shouldn’t even tell him where I worked, and I never laughed the whole date. I’m proud of myself for talking to him about it though and not just ghosting him the way I would’ve in the past. I’m proud of the person I’m becoming despite the heartbreak I’ve been enduring. In the past my sadness has driven me into a person I never wanted to be.